The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

[Bear]

Part Three: The Mischievous Duo

A few days passed as the Hermit made his way over the rolling fairway-green hills ever nearing his destination. Here and there were single full-grown trees, the cool breeze keeping the leaves constantly swaying. Perfectly ripe fruit from some of the trees fed him, allowing him to keep his supplies longer; pure water from the occasional stream quenched his thirst, keeping his flask filled.

Reaching the top of yet another hill, the Hermit saw a single open building on an adjoining hill. The gray brick structure resembled a strip mall shop section, only the rest of the shops were missing. The building held a bizarre combination of a watch repair shop and a call control center. The intertwining of wires, tools and parts made it difficult to determine where watch repair ended and call control started. Working the shop were two men, one in his late 30s wearing a medieval costume suitable for attending Renaissance Festivals, with an evil grin spread across his face. One could almost hear maniacal laughter passing his lips. The other, in his middle twenties, wore business casual behind the small sales counter. His expression was more playful and mischievous.

When the Hermit started to climb the hill of the building, Khachaturian’s Sabre Dance reached his ears. Momentarily raising an eyebrow, he continued up to the entrance.

“Look! A customer! That’ll show the regional manager!” cried the younger man from behind the counter.
“Just don’t start…ahem…with yourself. You know Elder Radbaron caught you doing that when he flew by several days ago.”
“C’mon! It’s so fun, and so naughty!” said the younger with a snicker.
“Shh! Here he is! I just hope you washed your hands after you finished this morning!”

The Hermit narrowed his eyes. Heightened senses and instincts told him of the location’s unseen ill repute. The inner voice, silent and obedient since the meeting with bulletbrides, suddenly began to protest loudly. The Hermit ignored it, intent on his purpose. He had a duty to fulfill. He got right to the point, before either man inside the building could speak.

“So where can I find this ‘Pixie Witch?’”
The younger man raised open hands in front of his chest, shaking his head. “Now you’ve done it! Ravenhull won’t shut up now!” Without missing a beat, Ravenhull’s voice broke in on them:

“Ah! The Pixie Witch! Such loveliness! Such presence! And…she has cat’s eye glasses!” Ravenhull stared up at the ceiling, his face covered in a dreamy look. A happy sigh escaped his lips.

An impatient sigh came from the Hermit. “Where can I find her?”
“What do want from her? She’s a real, live witch!” said the younger man.
“How do you know she’s a witch?”
“SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT!” cried the younger man.
Ravenhull’s head tilted to the side, exasperation replaced the dreamy look while his irises rolled high under his eyelids. The Hermit gave the younger man an icy stare with a single eyebrow raised.
“Wa-wa-whua…I got better!”
Ravenhull turned to the Hermit. “You’ll have to excuse Recca. He likes tall tales.”
Recca snickered. “We both do.”

Another audible impatient sigh came from the Hermit. “Where can I find her?”

“What do you want with her?” asked Recca.
“What do you think he wants with her? He’s a fanboy.” The evil grin returned to Ravenhull’s face. “The gods put her here to tease all the fanboys!”
“I do not concern myself with such matters. I wish to enter the Elder Cave.”
“You don’t want to go there!” said Recca. “The place reeks of evil!”
“The Elder Cave is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.” Ravenhull leaned in close to the Hermit, raised his hand to one side of his mouth, and spoke in a lowered voice. “It also has a negative side.”

“Hahahaha!” laughed Recca. “You do know the Elders keep a huge octopus-like creature with hundreds of tentacles that resemble giant worms with eyes, which swallow and digest their prey alive, for punishing their enemies?”
“What?” The Hermit could not hide his disbelief.
“Where do you think Stephen Sommers got the idea to write and film ‘Deep Rising?’”

“Enough of your foolishness!” shouted the Hermit, raising his walking staff against them. “I am on a serious mission given to me by the gods of the forumiverse! Now: where is she? Where can I find the Temple of the Broadsword?”
“All right! All right!” Ravenhull hurriedly said. “Follow the path behind our shop. It will lead you right to it!”

Recca snickered again. “The path is there so Ravenhull can easily go to see her and those cat’s eye glasses!”
“Oh, come on! You’re checking her out all the time!”

“Enough!” The Hermit’s impatience with their irreverence showed clearly on his face. “You say the path behind leads straight to the Temple? You’d best be telling me the truth, or I shall be back!” He turned on his heel and stalked out of the building, muttering to himself about how he couldn’t wait to return to Mink Hollow an instant after he finished this duty. The inner voice muttered in perfect cadence to his. The Sabre Dance faded from his ears with each successive step.

[Bear]

Part Four: The Temple of the Broadsword and the Wisteria-Amulet

On the outside, the Temple of the Broadsword was an adobe-constructed single-story building resembling the Taos Pueblo Church, without the Christian crosses. Instead, he once again met the image in his dream: the detailed silhouette of a naked woman holding up a broadsword was carved on the walls on each side of the entrance. As he stepped through the entrance, he saw inside circular entry room was dimly lit by a yellow-orange burning candle atop a tall wooden stand on one side, with a violet-blue similarly arranged on the other. A few feet away a third matching stand with a simple vase with eldritch markings held a dozen black roses. A high round wooden table stood in the center, on top of which burned a white candle in a lantern. Sharing the tabletop with the candle-lantern was a fresh tarot deck, and two heroic-looking hand-drawn portraits, one of a man, the other of a woman. Two tall chairs sat opposite each other at the table.

The Hermit’s instincts told him someone else shared the space with him. Turning to his left, he asked, “Are you whom they call the Pixie Witch?”

Stepping from a previously empty doorway into the dim pool of light offered by the side candles, the other in the room replied, “I go by many names, Pixie Witch being one. But you,” with the beginnings of a smile, “may call me Holly.” As she spoke, the sound of an acoustic guitar, without revealing its location, began to play “Norwegian Wood.” The sound seemed to come from everywhere at once.

Holly wore a featureless off-white robe that made her appear like a Jedi Knight, with a hood that kept her face in light shadow except for a few locks of bright red hair. Her green eyes appeared to glow with her direct glance. The elegant lines of her lovely face suggested a bit of elfin blood flowed in her veins. The contrast between the two standing in the room could not have been greater: both she and the Hermit had each seen many winters, he was grizzled with age while her ethereal youthful beauty still radiated powerfully in the darkness.

“So! What brings you here?” with the hint of a giggle, as she picked up the tarot deck and drew a card from it. Without removing her riveting eyes from him, she held up the card she had drawn, showing him the face. The Hermit.

“A tarot reading, perhaps?”

“I seek to enter the Elder Cave…and return from the trip unscathed without the trouble of dealing with all the red tape. I must make the Tribute of a Thousand Scribings, commanded by the gods themselves, and I wish to make it as quietly as possible.”
“Ah!” said Holly with a knowing smile, the lamps in her eyes slightly increasing in intensity for a moment. “You have come to the right place! I have the knowledge and the power to grant such a request. A Wisteria-Amulet is what you seek. And I can make it for you. I already have all the necessary ingredients to create it! But,” with a mischievous-yet-tinged-with-ebil gleam in her green eyes, “it will cost you much.”

“But I do not carry any money.”

Holly smiled broadly at this, suppressing a giggle. “I do not require money. What I require is fealty. Yours.”

The Hermit had no response, so Holly continued with a straight face of intent: “I am always looking for new followers to gain power and influence in the arcane arts of webcomictry. You could gain them for me,” as her smile slowly returned, “by maintaining and updating where my followers gather. New followers are subject to my mod-powers and mastery of Color Magick. But there are none among the ranks willing to make the tribute. That’s where you come in. If you wish to posses the Wisteria-Amulet, you must pay tribute to me six times a fortnight.”
“Pay tribute to you?” snorted the Hermit with a sneering upper lip. You might have access to spells, and a run of good luck in card-drawing, but Mod-Powers? Color Magick? And pay tribute to you like a goddess? Preposterous!”

Holly’s knowing smile reached its full extent. “Ah, but I am a goddess! A goddess of the Hourglass!” Her hands reached up and pulled back the hood, letting the robes down. The robes turned a pure bright white as they slipped down her shoulders, stopping at her hands before they hit the stony floor. As the robes slid down, the room quickly became more illuminated, the dark orange glow of the candles rising in intensity, burning very bright. The new influx of light came from every direction, making no shadows across any inanimate object. The brighter light revealed Holly in all her strikingly beautiful glory: finely sculpted womanly curves scantily clad in a stylish mixture of black velvet, lace and satin. She wore a medieval gorgeously Goth outfit, bearing the distinctive stamp of a Betsey Johnson creation. A gold bangle encircled her left arm above the elbow, while the image of some strange animal graced her right in tattoo ink glory. Vibrant red hair crowned her head and cascaded down her back and over her bare shoulders like a shimmering silk cloth. Gold sandals adorned her slim dainty feet.

As all this happened, an all-directions-at-once opening guitar riff to “Revolution” fired up, then trailed off as Holly spoke:

“So! Do you agree to pay tribute to me in exchange for the Amulet?”

Holly’s glory overwhelmed his enhanced senses, fully engulfing him. “Ah-eh-oh-er...”

An impish laugh escaped Holly’s lips: “I'll take that as a yes! I fully encourage goddess worship here!”

Holly, with a slow deliberate motion, placed her hand over her mouth with her fingers pointing upward, giving it a sultry kiss, then dramatically blew it towards the Hermit while never taking her eyes off him. Reaching down for the hem of her robe, she pulled them back into place. The intense light level returns to dim candlelit, while the robes became once more off-white.

“How is that possible?” inquired the Hermit, slowly regaining his senses.
“I told you: I practice Color Magick!” she replied with a twinkle.
“How did you gain access to the Book of Color Principles?”
“I didn’t,” said Holly, a mischievous smile appearing on her lovely countenance, “I simply used some spells I learned along the way.” The Hermit didn’t want to believe her, but how else to explain what had happened? He felt what little resolve left quickly slipping away. She had enchanted him with her beauty, and there was nothing to do about it but accept the Wisteria-Amulet and go about his quest. He had lost his isolationist purity to her wishes. The inner voice screamed ‘I told you so!’ over and over again. Over the screaming, he heard the melody of “I’m Down.” Was it an earworm? Or did he really hear it?

Placing her cat’s eye glasses on the bridge of her delicate nose, Holly began the work of preparing the Wysteria-amulet. She first purified the circular room with a broom while the pungent smell of burning incense filled the air. As he worked humming a tune that sounded suspiciously like “You Know My Name,” she gathered the necessary ingredients, tools and implements, laying them on the center table, now cleared of any unnecessary items. Between runes and marking rituals and chants with the sharp clear sound of a small bell, she used a black-handled athame complete with occult markings to direct energy at the wisteria, freshly cut with a white-handled boline.

Holly held out the finished amulet for his inspection, a mischievous look in her eyes. The Hermit gently took it from her and briefly looked into her eyes while a yet another knowing smile spread across her face.

He examined the amulet as he held it in his hands. It seemed to pulsate and radiate with power, as his eyes searched the surface, looking for any flaws. He hung the Wisteria-Amulet around his neck, but didn’t look up at Holly, though he longed to drink in her beauty yet again. He was too ashamed of his weakness to face her mastery over him.

With a pat on his shoulder blade as he turned to leave: “Remember, you must pay tribute to my Mod-Power and Mastery of Color Magick!” Once again, he heard her impish giggle as he walked out the temple door…along with a surround-sound single acoustic guitar playing “Yesterday.”

[Bear]

Part Five: The Battle of the Elder Cave and the Great Feast

While making the Wisteria-Amulet, Holly gave the Hermit much information about the Elder Cave: what to expect and the proper path to take to reach the Elder Plains. It was those instructions he followed now, walking once again across rolling hills of perfect green grass, the landscape dotted with single trees.

As he walked, he noticed the hills became lower and the land now stretched out before him, the single white-capped mountain still in the distance. The Hermit continued in silence, only his footfalls and an occasional gust of cool breeze keeping the vegetation swaying the only sounds ears could hear. His journey covered many miles, and still more miles laid in front of him, but his determination to see this duty through to completion drove him forward; his resolve, tested and forged by many years of experience, never lagged. The inner voice, scolding him as he departed from the Temple of the Broadsword, now was silent. As before, he dined on the fruit, which seemed sweeter and more filling, providing more energy to his limbs. The water he drank from the stream feeding a cold spring he found seemed lighter and faintly glowed with energy. “Hmn…maybe this is Holly’s secret to youth,” he mused, as he felt the strength of younger years fill him.

The land became farmland flat as the mountain became closer. The Hermit continued to walk, each stride bringing him nearer to his destination. Then, he spied a division of land imperceptible to most eyes, but the Hermit’s airborne-predator-sharp vision missed nothing. To him, the grass on the opposite side seemed dark brown if not green. He crept up to the edge, carefully using all his powerful senses to examine what lay before him. Deciding it was safe, he took a step forward over the divide. A powerful scent nearly overwhelmed his senses, for it surrounded him and permeated everything porous. Many years had passed since the last time he sampled that particular smell, but he knew it immediately, also knowing Holly’s instructions to find the Elder Plains accurate.

Bacon.

Again following the Pixie Witch’s instructions, the Hermit reached for the Wisteria-Amulet hanging about his neck, carefully placing his fingers on certain spots. Instantly he found himself in the Elder Cave, bypassing the Kodiak bear guard.

He peered around the cave, noting the inviting warm waters of the stone-surrounded Bubblibaff, the freshly arrived shipment of prime bacon, and the beautifully carved wooden thrones of the Elder Mod-Power Trinity across the room. He studied the thrones carefully, taking in the details of the inscribed symbols. The center throne displayed a hammer with a huge striking head attached, crossed by a lightning bolt. On the left, an elaborate carving of a hockey goaltender’s stick graced that throne. The third contained a simple carving of a paddle. Purple silk inlays and coverings accented the scene, with purple silk banners and a narrow purple carpet leading up to them. White marble comprised the floor where the thrones sat. The scent of freshly cooked bacon hung in the air.

Suddenly a speaking female voice drew the Hermit attention; the voice did not speak to him. A short distance away, a bespectacled adorable young teen woman with multicolored hair played a computer game while a small brown tabby with white paws looked on. “Hmn…that gal has angel wings! And she seems to be talking to herself…while naked! Remarkable! And the cat has bat-like wings…and small horns!” The Hermit took in more of the Cave. There were others in different spots in his vicinity, but they had not yet taken notice of his arrival. However, one did, and approached the Hermit, a question on his long-bearded face. His constant presence in the Elder Cave took in everything, yet so silent and unremarkable was the Hermit’s appearance that even he missed it at first. His attire bathed him completely in black, and the emblem on his clothing was of the planet Jupiter.

“I don’t recall you coming in,” said the man in black, “but I wasn’t paying close attention to the visitors. Good to meet you, my name is Don Alexander,” extending his hand in greeting. Don’s cordial welcome attracted the attention of the teen, named Cyanide Angel, and the tabby, called Xarlaxas. Don’s reputation as the Most Verbose of the Elder Council far preceded him, yet always had something important to say, so the other Elders listened.
“I am Paul, the Hermit of Mink Hollow.”
“Hermit of Mink Hollow? I clearly do not recall that in the introduction listing. How did you get in?” Don pressed the issue, stepping closer to the Hermit. “Who let you in?”

The Hermit decided honesty, of a sort, was the best policy. “A beautiful woman let me in,” smiled the Hermit, “and I just came inside. Actually, a couple women did. And two loony guys helped. Having guys go loony is a good thing. Twonie even better.” A hint of mirth could be heard in the Hermit’s voice.

“Aaaarrrr!!!” roared the Ebil Sithlord, raising the Bad Pun Stick against the Hermit. “How dare you mouth such evil in this chamber! No true guest would utter such words, only an intruder!” As if on cue, the opening to the Carmina Burana: O Fortunata started up as a sonic backdrop to Don’s attempt to land the first blow. Don swung the Bad Pun Stick repeatedly at the Hermit’s head, but the Hermit caught each blow skillfully with his walking stick. Finally, a swing by Don took him slightly off balance, and the Hermit pressed the advantage, quickly disarming him, the Bad Pun Stick clacking to the ground.

Don’s defeat drew the one called Tenjen forward from a small group conversation. Quickly changing into anthropomorphous lynx form, he batted away the Hermit’s walking stick. The Hermit, fully aware of his surroundings, backed away from the huge, crouching, ready-to-spring werecat. The Hermit backed away two more steps, and then seemingly preparing himself for the inevitable. The Carmina Burana: O Fortunata continued along in its quiet section.

Tenjen leaped at the Hermit, claws extended, seeking to knock the Hermit on his back. But just before his paws made contact, the Hermit nimbly dodged Tenjen’s attack, tapping him on the belly as he passed overhead, adding energy to his momentum, causing Tenjen to land squarely in the center of the Bubblibaff. Swimming to the side, Tenjen climbed out on the surrounding rocks, spitting water and shaking his head and limbs.

A frowning LadySheDevil, sensing her whispering-in-the-ears useless against the Hermit, flit off to find Asaryu, whom she found playfully menacing yet another filled-with-fear uninvited guest with a raised tentacoo, singing “Tentacoo Buttsecks! Take it!” to Steely Dan’s Babylon Sisters.
“You must come quickly!”
“And leave my favorite sport! No way!”
“Another intruder has already defeated Don and Tenjen! Please! We need you!”
With an annoyed sigh, Asaryu grabbed the fearful intruder firmly with suction-cupped limbs and tossed him into a holding cell, heading to join the battle.

Meanwhile, Engy, who just bought a glowing orange gift-shop t-shirt that read “I will leave this thread alone as soon as others stop posting after me” in bold black type, joined the fray. Quickly pulling out his wrench and PDQ, Engy fired up his teleportational dispensers, housed in toolboxes in another dimension. Several supercharged sentries immediately teleported into the Elder Cave, all of them quickly advancing on the Hermit. “Ha ha ha ha,” laughed Engy, “My sentries are unbeatable, and my PDQ controls it all!”
“You control those with that?”
“Yes, and you can’t stop it!”
With blinding speed, the walking stick-less Hermit drew, aimed and fired his mystically powered shotgun in one motion, scoring a direct hit to the PDA screen with a deer slug. The force of the shell hitting the PDA carried both it and Engy’s hand into his chest, knocking some of the air from his lungs, leaving him gasping.
“I never thought of that,” Engy managed to get out between gasps. The sentries halted, much like the droid army in The Phantom Menace. And the Carmina Burana: O Fortunata continued along its slowly rising crescendo.

But the Hermit had no time to savor his victory, as the red-and-black-corset-wearing JVD the Lizard Queen, smacking aside an unmoving sentry, squared off against him. On her scaly right hand, she wielded her new power gauntlet, which resembled a smoldering welding glove. He had not met the other combatants before, but this one, he recognized by the scent and from his past, but only knew her from a distance. But she gave him no time to introduce himself. “I don't need to sully my claws on the likes of you! I'll bitchslap you into oblivion with my new toy!

FALCAWN PAWWWWNCH!”

But the Hermit once again, using the added power he gained by eating the fruit and drinking the glowing with energy water during his trip, dodged an attack.
“You forgot, my queen, the punch has to land!” The effect of the gauntlet instead struck another of the unmoving sentries, instantly vaporizing it…and a newly arrived specially marked package. It was a prime stash of bacon, and the outer layers clearly displayed its owner in a single word: Bear.

As the Hermit evaded JVD’s attack, the just-arrived Asaryu slowly snaked out a tentcoo, slipping it underneath his feet to capture him. But the Hermit, still fully aware of his surroundings, easily took himself out of her reach. Tentacoos writhed in frustration, while Asaryu’s face wore a deep pout at having her favorite sneak tactic foiled. And the Carmina Burana: O Fortunata continued along its slowly rising crescendo, ever higher, as the full company of voices announced their vocal presence.

The Hermit picked up a faint scent that was simultaneously strange and familiar to him. One that he pondered for a nanosecond how that particular scent could be here. But he had no time to investigate it, or listen to anything his inner voice told him. For an immense Kodiak bear grasping a gigantic hammer now appeared before him. The sound issuing from its throat was a terrific mixture of a human and bear growl.

“You!” boomed Bear. “You are responsible for denying me my right as Grand High Supreme Megalomaniac Dictator of The Elder Cave, for Life to the richest, tastiest bacon found on the planet! You! How dare you come here uninvited and use trickery to deny me that which is rightfully mine?” Wielding the freshly oiled and polished Mjolinir, the Mighty Mystic Ban Hammer, Bear swung at the Hermit repeatedly. The entire Elder Cave shook and shuddered with each massive physical hit on its floor. The other Elders stayed back as more and more of them arrived on the scene, watching the Hermit nimbly dodge each blow from the thoroughly angered autocrat.

In a certain bedroom, where every day a large patch of sunshine directly hit the floor, a lovely scantily-clad young woman suddenly awakened from her midday slumber. Long dark reddish hair crowned her head and short tiger-striped fur covered her slender, lithe curvaceous hourglass form. Rising on her hands, she surveyed the room with two beautiful cat-slit eyes, her slender cat ears perked up to take in any noise. There it was again: the room shaking accompanied by a mighty slam. Glass tinkled on her bureau as the room shook yet again. The fur on the young woman’s back slightly rose, her retractable claws extended from her fingers and toes, and her tail began to twitch angrily. “That’s Bear’s hammer! The Cave is under attack!” Her eyes narrowed as the slits grew larger while she lept to her feet and ran down the hallway to join the battle.

Bear, sensing his opponent too quick for him, engaged the Lightning Upgrade, roaring: “My given name is Bear, but to you it is Smitey von Doompaw!” With that, smaller bolts flashed as the Lightning Upgrade quickly charged and lashed out at the Hermit.

With unhuman speed and precision, the Hermit once again drew his mystically powered shotgun, firing a 6 shot slug. The airborne field of small round spheres instantly dissipated the terrible lightning strike with their mystical structure. “I trust you’ll not try that again,” was all the Hermit said.

Pitchforks suddenly appeared in the hands of every Elder. All the Elders the Hermit had battled now held one in their hands. Even Elders and invited guests who hadn’t joined the battle: Dirty’nEvil, Radbaron, Kamino Neko, smexy pirate Midgetshrimp, Pirate-Queen-in-a-oh-so-just-right-tight-red-dress Posseforlife, GothPoet, Retarius, Thaldin, Exploding Joe, The Dude, Azrael and Lilianna. Even MerchManDan abandoned his Gift Shop post to join the pitchfork legion. Fen, visiting the Cave on a break from her worldwide busking tour, lit the pitchforks with a single fiery breath. Not raising a flaming pitchfork, Cyanide Sweet instead charged up her lightsaber. The Carmina Burana: O Fortunata now reached the peak of its crescendo, the last full verse, the chant reaching full volume.

Claws clicking on the floor as she ran, the tiger-striped young woman arrived in the Great Hall. Instantly she gathered Cyanide Angel and Xarlaxas, placing them on her shoulders. It was then that she peered towards the advancing Elders and saw just who the opponent was. Surprise crossed her whiskered face as she recognized the Hermit’s face.

Launching herself between the combatants so quickly that both companions fell rolling across the marbled floor, the young fur-clad woman placed herself with her back to the Hermit, facing the advancing Elders. “Stop!” she shouted. But the Elders paid no heed. Bear growled “Teach, stand aside! This interloper has no place here!” Undaunted, the young woman stood her ground. Xar, arriving as fast as he could with his devil wings, stood in front of her, hissing at Bear.

The Hermit, seeing this young woman’s striking appearance and bravery, reminded him so much of one he had known many years before. His mind flashed those pleasant memories before his eyes, events before his long path of solitude.

Then he caught her scent.

Though it had been a long time, and the scent didn’t quite match the person he saw in his flashback, he knew her identity…and why she stood in his defense. But he said nothing.

Bear growled once again: “Teach! Stand aside, I tell you!”

In a sudden puff of smoke accompanied by loud noise (it sounded like “bamf”) the young woman became an enormous adult cat with the same stripe pattern, towering over the group. Her ears were back, her tail swishing angrily; she stood defiant, fixing the entire group with her stare. Her voice sounded unnatural, like an alley tomcat that was about to fight for garbage can rights with another of its kind, as the four words she uttered echoed throughout the Elder Cave.

“HE IS MY FATHER!”

Silence filled the Elder Cave, except the sound of the pitchfork flames, and the light humming of Cyanide Sweet’s lightsaber. Even the Carmina Burana: O Fortunata came to a sudden halt, as if a conductor had waved his hands and motioned across his neck. The Elders stood in shock as they slowly digested this information, except Bear and Dirty’nEvil, who still had their doubts.

“What! You know the interloper?” hissed Bear.
“Who are you really?” followed up Dirty’nEvil, glaring directly at the Hermit.

Teach transformed back to werecat form, while the Hermit, knowing by previous experience of her mother’s transforming power, had his cloak ready to cover her nakedness. “He really is my father,” she said coldly. “Let me show you. You know our mother gave me the Crystal Locket of Revelation many years ago, so I would always know what my father looked like, even as he aged.” Cyanide Angel and Xarlaxas came running up to her side, carrying the crystal locket collar she often wore. The Hermit recognized the crystal locket as one he gave Teach’s mother as a gift. But still he said nothing.

As Teach took the collar from her shoulder minions, she popped open the Locket, carefully placed two fur-cloaked fingers on each side facing outside the collar. A three-dimensional mystical image leaped into view, consisting of a portrait from the shoulders up. The shaded monotone white image contained a blurred image at first, but slowly came into focus. Audible gasps issued forth from many of the Elders as the image became sharp.

“It is him!” Bear exclaimed. Teach, after closing the locket, glomped onto the Hermit, purring contentedly as she nuzzled his chest, marking him as she held the locket in her hands. But none of this impressed the skeptical Dirty’nEvil, a man with a military-green complexion and a penchant for books and mischievous commentary with the college-age females that worked with him. “If you really are Teach's father, you will answer me these questions three!”
An impatient sigh came from the Hermit. “What are you, the man from Scene 24? You don't look like him. Your face is that of Gary from Menage a 3.” The Hermit had spied printed-out copies of the comic among the disheveled belongings of Ravenhull.
“Nay, I am Dirty’nEvil,” as a tone of annoyance crept into his voice.
“We can all see that, but who are you?” The Hermit did not stir a muscle of his grizzled countenance after his sentence, but his eyes betrayed his joking intent.
Dirty’nEvil gave him a stern look. “What is your name?” he demanded.
“Paul, the Hermit of Mink Hollow.”
“What is your quest?”
“To bring the Elder Council The Tribute of a Thousand Scribings.” More audible gasps came from the Elders. Even Teach looked up from her nuzzling. “No outsider has ever been charged with such a task!” they muttered among themselves.
Dirty’nEvil ignored the other Elders and pressed his third question. “What...or tell me,” a smirk beginning to cross his face, “who is Ron Hextall!”

Without missing a beat, the Hermit answered: “The best stickhandling goaltender in NHL history, a scoring threat with an opposition empty net, and a third generation NHLer.” Dirty’nEvil’s eyebrows rose.
“How did you know that?"
“Did you think I grew up in a forest cave?”
“Ach! I'll get you yet! What...is the name of Chris Isaak’s first work?”
“Silvertone,” came the ready reply.
“How did you know that also?” Dirty’nEvil expression was positively incredulous.
“You have to know these things when you are a character named after Todd Rundgren's 1978 release.”
“Ah, but what is--” Leaving Teach to his cloak, the Hermit gave Dirty’nEvil a Boot to the Head, cutting him off in mid-sentence. “That's enough out of you!”

With identity established and confirmed, the Hermit tells the Elder Council of his dream, his long time of solitude, his journey to them and the people he met on the way. “The gods certainly work shrouded in mystery,” said Bear as the Hermit finished his tale. “Doubtless the fact you sired our sister is why the gods chose you as one of the deliverers of The Tribute. I am surprised that your coming was not foretold to anyone here.”
“That was hidden even from me,” explained Teach.
“No matter; you are here now, and we will accept your tribute. But first,” Bear said with an ebil look in his eyes, “We must celebrate with a feast!”

There was much rejoicing, for they had a thanksgiving dinner that couldn’t be beat. Tables, dishes, tableware and covering were all colored pink to honor Frankie. The now rescantily-clad Teach, shoulder minions in place, brought forth her indescribable BBQ Bacon Meat Pies and Triple Devil chocolate cake, washed down with Bacon Vodka and Baileys-infused noms, supplied by LadySheDevil. The time the Hermit spent dining and conversing with the Elders was so pleasurable the inner voice remained completely silent, even when Asaryu leaped on his back. She wrapped two tentacoos around his shoulders, yelling “Giddyap!” while two more tentacoos slapped his rear. The sight of the Hermit racing around making a horses’ neigh sound with a giggling Asaryu slopping hot chocolate as she rode brought much mirth to the assembled company.

“But I don’t understand how you knew me on sight,” the Lizard Queen queried the Hermit as they proceeded to face the Elder Mod-Power Trinity. “We haven’t met before.”
“Not personally, but by reputation. I served in your army in the Battle of the Frost Dragon while you were unavailable, when General Julius was in charge.”
“Ah, that is why. I would have remembered such fighting skill had I been there. Now that you mention it, Julius raved about one warrior in that battle. It must have been you. Glad to make your acquaintance.”

Everyone took their places as the Elder Mod-Power Trinity ascended their thrones, dressed in their official purple robes. Bear’s countenance had a look of a natural-born leader, ready to make any hard decision facing his responsibilities. Dirty’nEvil’s visage showed satisfaction that all tests revealed the gods did indeed intervene by bringing the Hermit to them. Teach wore an expression of loving devotion to her father.

It was her father that now approached them, presenting the Tribute. Before he could reach them, Azrael stepped forward.
“Let me see that,” spoke Azrael, holding out a hand for the Tribute. “Hmn…uh huh…mnnh…ah yes…but we’re all feeling much better now.” Then, in the curious manner all the Elders spoke, he said: “Buddy Ryan win.”
The Hermit replied: “But Buddy isn't coaching anymore in the NFL. Rex is. Son of the father win.” Using the word ‘win’ became so habit-forming the Hermit picked it up in the few short hours after his arrival.
“Not the Buddy Ryan I was referring to,” answered Azrael. “Wrong conclusion fail win.”
Leaning in closer, the Hermit defended his case. “You didn't say which one you were referring to. Clarification fail win.”
Azrael moved in closer. “The clue was in the quotation. Improper pop culture research fail win.”
Now they were a foot apart. “There were no quotation marks surrounding the quotation. Lack of proper form fail win.”
Asaryu tentacoo-separated the two combatants of words. “No arguing at the presentation. Stern look win.”
Engy leaped forward, proudly wearing his new “I will leave this conversation alone as soon as others stop posting after me” t-shirt. “I only show this to annoy others win.” More and more Elders claimed wins one after another, breaking up the ceremonies.

Jumping down from his throne, Bear stamped the handle of the freshly oiled and polished Mjolinir, the Mighty Mystic Ban Hammer on the floor, creating a minor thunderstorm in the cave. The rumblings caught the attention of the Elders, causing them to fall silent. Once again Bear stamped the Hammer on the floor, three times to stop the storm he created. “I am Grand High Supreme Megalomaniac Dictator of The Elder Cave, for Life, and I claim the win by right! Now, bring forth The Tribute of the Thousand Scribings!”

The Hermit gave the Tribute to Bear. He inspected it with an approving growl now and then. “Well done and orderly! Excellent! Beary-Mod approves of this Tribute!” Bear rolled up the scroll and cast a quick glance at Teach. He then addressed the Hermit:

“You obviously are well-read, articulate and knowledgeable. You also fight with skill and cunning few own. In addition, you are polite, kind and respectful, and take to friendship with us well. We would be favored to have you join the Elder Council!”

Many voices grunted their approval as Teach let out a gasp, and two happy tears fell from her lovely cat-eyes.

The Hermit stood silent for several moments before he spoke.

“Your offer is generous. Joining the Elder Council is a great honor, one of prestige that many seek but few attain. Becoming a member would hold many privileges, the best of which my daughter and I could catch up on all the years lost to us. But I am long in the ways of the Hermit, and my feet are set on that path. I must follow that path and find whatever it holds for me. So I must respectfully decline.” The Hermit did not reveal his obligation to Holly.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww,” said Teach. She came down from her throne, embracing him in a huggle. “Will I see you again?” Her cat-eyes could not hide their sorrow.

“You’ve always held the means to find me,” said the Hermit. “I must not have shown your mother how to work this part,” as he tapped several locations on the Crystal Locket of Revelation, then opened it. A projected map much like the ones seen in the Verizon televised ads flashed into view, showing their location in the Elder Cave and the way to Mink Hollow, like a mystic GPS device. “I gave her this so you would always be able to find me, when you were ready to meet. I never allow visitors to my home, but you…Sweetie…you will always be welcome.” More happy tears flowed from Teach’s cat-eyes. “Thank you...Daddy!” She hugged and glomped the Hermit tightly, nuzzling him yet again.

Amid many handshakes, huggling, glomping and tacklepouncing, the Hermit took his leave using the Wisteria-Amulet, after swearing an oath to return to present The Tribute of the Second Thousand Scribings. The inner voice was content, since the trade-off of meeting his only daughter more than made up for his six-times-a-fortnight tribute to the Pixie Witch.


Epilogue and Postscript

Once again the Hermit found himself on the land divide that few could see other than he. Armed with bacon provisions (though he would not need such in the land of golden fruit and energizing waters) his walking stick and mystic shotgun, he started on his return path. Looking about, he saw no other person in sight for miles. Immediately the horn section in the Finale of the William Tell Overture fired up.
“What is this? Why is there music starting up every time I do something?”
“Because we will not be ignored!” bellowed a chorus of voices.
The Hermit looked around with his airborne-predator sharp vision, sampling the air with heightened senses. “Who are you?”
“We are the musicians and minstrels the author of this story chose not to include! It was we who played the music in Mink Hollow, in the shop, in the Temple and the Elder Cave!”
“But not bulletbrides.”
“Silence! Who do you think gave her the computer? Where else do you think she got a computer with a backlit Broadsword logo? Now we demand the author of this story recognize we will not go away, and better write us into the next frantic, or he will be dreadfully sorry!”
The author spoke up. “All right, all right! I’ll get you in the next one!”
“Good! But to show you we mean business, we provide you an insult! Your mother was an anteater, and your father smelled of elderberries! Now write on, or we shall taunt you a second time!”
The author rubbed his hands together, a fiendish smile crossing his face. “Oh they’ll be in it, all right. Wait till they get lost in a snowstorm with the Elders, fulfilling another MP reference! Or get trapped in a zombie apocalypse! Or when Yuki gets ahold of them! Heh heh heh heh!”
An impatient sigh escaped the lips of the Hermit as he turned once again to head home to his solitude and servitude.

[Bear]

And because its fun

I decided to write a bit more, inspired by these words:

Aww... I didn't get to smite anyone.

Let this be a warning to you: never inspire ideas in someone who has a four-and-a-half decade record of chronic daydreaming. You just might get your wish.

Beary Fanservice

“Say Bear, how many have you actually smited?” queried the Author. "What's your smiting record?"
Bear looked around uneasily. “Ah…well…um…”
“How would you like to improve that?”
“YESSSS!!!!!”
“You remember the annoying musicians in the last fanfic? The way they would just blare their instruments in nearly every scene? Holly did like her Beatle pieces, I’ll grant them that. But the rest…GROAN!” a sickly look spread across the Author’s face. “Masterpieces, those were, but way overused! They are clichéd! No original material!”
“Yeah, the way they droned the Carmina Burana: O Fortunata was appalling!” added Bear.
“I want you to ‘take care’ of them for me. Here’s your chance to make full use of the Lightning Upgrade! All I have to do to set it up is write you and them in, like this.”

*Puts annoying musicians and Bear holding Mjolinir, the Mighty Mystic Ban Hammer in same room*

Immediately, the annoying musicians started up a butchered muzak version of “The Girl From Ipanema,” bringing forth a snarling growl from Bear. Whirling the well-oiled and polished Mjolinir, the Mighty Mystic Ban Hammer at a furious pace overhead, Bear began to smite the haphazard orchestra. With each smiting, he spoke in a Count Dracula voice:

“One! One smited! Two! Two smited! Bwuh-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Lightning bolts flashed so repeatedly there was more light than dark as the smiting continued.

“Five! Five smited!”

The annoying musicians scrambled, looking wildly for any exit, some dragging their instruments with them. They found every door and window blocked and sealed.

“Ten! Ten smited!”

Some in desperation tried to rush him.

“Twenty! Twenty smited!

Others simply tried to hide.

“Forty! Forty smited! Bwuh-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

But none escaped the power of the Lightning Upgrade.

“All of them! I smote all of them! Bwuh-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

One window near Bear suddenly popped open, and Don poked his head through the opening. “Yes, they are all smitten!” Don said, mischievously grinning with his tongue sticking out.

“Growwwwwwwwwlllllrrroooooorrr!” Bear grabbed Don by the neck and dragged him into the room. “I am Grand High Supreme Megalomaniac Dictator of The Elder Cave, for Life! How dare you pollute my Glorious Smitacalvacave with a bad pun????” Bear bopped Don hard, fast and continuously with the Bad Pun Stick. The room was filled with Loony Tunes sound effects: Boom! Bap! Bep! Bihn! Barroom!

*fade to black*

[Bear]

Amidst all the people passing 1000 marks and not writing fanfics, I shall do the opposite!! I present my next one early!!!

But, as you all know, there is a momentous occasion!!!

LADYSHEDEVIL (CHANIE) AND EREBUS (DEREK) GOT MARRIED!!!!!!

So, similar to when Fae Fae married, I deemed this created the demand for a fanfic. And since I am a lazy dude, I invited a bunch of people to contribute. So, thanks to all of those that did!!!

Some wrote me complete, quite long texts, other just sent me ideas for gifts around which I built a little text. I have highlighted the names of the contributors.

So, here goes!!

Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction

Part XXXV: OH HAPPY DAY

On this day, the smell of cooking wafts through the Elder Cave. Industrious noises emanate from LSDs kitchen! For on this happy day, she and Erebus will be married!!! But the bride-to-be will not sit back and let herself be served, oh no, she has been spending days preparing the feast and the area where the wedding was to be held!! She will accept help though, and the industrious tentacoo goddess Asaryu is helping out with her multitude of tentacoos!

"All I'm saying is that perhaps you should restrict yourself to the pastries and the boobies for a little while," huffed Asaryu, getting increasingly frustrated at how difficult it was getting to keep the wedding decorations in their place.
"Where's the fun in that?!"
"For one thing, you'll be able to have a wedding that goes off without a hitch, instead of having pink and purple polkadotted baby elephants come in and walk all over the cake and drink the punch like they did in the rehearsal!"
"But they were adorable!"
"They were annoying and destructive, and then you had to make another cake!"
"It gave me a good excuse to bake a giant titty wedding cake though. The large pale breast looks wonderful now," LSD looked over at her newest bakery creation: a large white cake, modeled on her own expansive and delicious bosom.
"Fine. Yes. The cake is wonderful, but at the very least if you stopped playing with madness for just a moment, I'd be able to put up these decorations and be sure they weren't going to keep turning into flocks of flying origami turtles."
"Alright, fine… although flocks of flying origami turtles would be a pretty cool decoration" LSD pondered, thoughtfully.
"Look, if you want them to be flocks of flying origami turtles, then I'm happy to oblige, but the sheet said red and white ribbons with flowers in autumn colours to match the dress and the bouquet"
"We can have red and white flying origami turtles, then. With flower patterns on their backs to match the bouquet!"
With that, Asaryu let the streamers fall and fold themselves into graceful turtles, swimming lazily through the air around the room to join the other ribbons that wouldn't stay up. Orange and yellow confetti bubbles streamed up from their paper mouths a short way into the air, before losing momentum and floating down to the ground.
"I think I have this under control for now, I figure I'll let the rest of the decorations take on a similar theme, and as long as they aren't destructive, then I'll let them do what they do." Asaryu smiled, relieved that the decoration issues had been sorted and that LSD was happy. "Now, be sure to leave a short amount of time at the end of the wedding. Make it a good, long kiss. I need some time to slip out and transform into the tenta-pony so I can take you in the carriage to the ship for your honeymoon."

Meanwhile, over at Teacher2B's abode, other kinds of preparations were being made - while unbeknownst to her, Xarlaxas has found a new plaything.

.oO(Well, this has been a long day. Let's see if the package has arrived) *opens a big package and takes a big wooden spoon* .oO(Ohhhh…yes!! Cool! Solid, heavy wood) *pats it in her hand* .oO(Yes, I think LSD will totally love this spoon. Big enough to cook for 20 elders and a pink Kodiak... and it may have other... entertaining uses) *grins wickedly* .oO(I think Erebus will approve of this too. Now I just only need to wrap it nicely…) *looks around her bedroom for the wrapping paper and ribbon*
-"(string of Spanish cursing) Where's the paper? And where's the ribbon???!!!!" *finds the shiny wrapping paper in small pieces in the living room* "What's this?...XAR!!!!!!!!!"
-"Mew? What is happening Mistress?" *comes from behind the sofa, putting on his best innocent face*
- "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE PAPER?"
-"Miau! It was shiny and I…" *kitty eyes*
-"I KNOW IT WAS SHINY!!!...BUT IT WAS FOR THE PRESENT!!!" IT WASN'T FOR YOU TO PLAY!!"
- "But…but…but" *pouts*
- "BUT NOTHING!! AND POUTING WON'T HELP YOU THIS TIME…Well, I will wrap this in the purple bondage tape…but I will try it first on you!" *waves spoon in her hand*
-" Mew! No Mistress! I got them a present too!"
- "Oh, really? What did you get them?"
-"See!" *takes a badly wrapped present from under one of the cushions and hands it over timidly*
*Teach opens present*
-"Ohh! A pitch-fork! Nice!" *admires*
- "Mew! An extendable pitch-fork! She can use to catch and drag Erebus away" *nods proudly*
- "Great! But why didn't you ask me to help you?"
- "I…I didn't want to bother you, Mistress. But the scissors are too big. And it was difficult…Sowwy!" *makes big kitty eyes*
- "Awww…It's ok. Just ask me next time and I will help you, okays?"
- "Mew!" *nods nods*
- "Well, I still need to wrap this…and we should re-wrap yours" *grabs purple bondage tape* "Let's use this and then I need your help to prepare my clothes for the wedding. They are just too big."
- "Mew!!!"

Out on the Bubblie Baff Sea, a Pirate Jesus named midgetshrimp, for once not in the company of his tentacoo goddess, was searching for a gift of his own.
*rummaging though his stores of treasure, comes across a gift he believes perfect for such an occasion* Ah, I remember this adventure well. *gets a cloudy look in his eyes as he reminisces, tapping the shimmering golden scepter against his open palm. The gift is pure solid gold, and capped with what seems to be a quite busty diamond tittycake* Peggly, we ready the gift as soon as possible, fetch me some velvet. And some silken ribbons. It must be presented properly.

In the wedding area, LSD spied an anomaly. There was a little box lying here, unmarked, which she could not place. Asaryu sidled over: "What is it?" "I dunno," the SheDevil replied. "someone must have put it here while we checked the oven." "Well, open it, open it!!" The bride opened the package - and guffawed. She took the coiled object out. "Well, hello there!" It was a shower head. Blue. In the form of Dr. Manhattan's... you know... The SheDevil blushed a bit. "We two, we will have a lot of fun together." The tentacoo goddess grinned. "Methinks I need to get married as well."
And in the shadows, Otaku201 chuckled. Later, he would preside over the ceremony, but for now, he was a baaaad boy...

Out, far on the plains of n00bz, justverydifferent was having big trouble!! "Noble steeds, indeed!! Stay here, you darned beast!!!" Swinging her lasso, Clever girl chittering behind her, she ran after the... creature, trying to catch it. If this went on, she would be late and miss everything!! And on what then would LSD and Erebus ride into the sunset on, trailing clanking cans??

Another while later, LSD and Erebus went to the Ban-Hammered Barrel to stock up on drinks. The Elders were going to be thirsty tonight, for sure! It was here that a rarely seen dame made her appearance, the suave Swayambu!
With lilac heels clicking daintily on the dank tavern floor, a lavender Sway approached the coil-haired bride, and came bearing a gift.
Hidden in a cotton paper envelope, and sealed with kiss-shaped wax, she folded one arm behind her back and proffered the Bosom Mistress' secreted present with the other. And even though a smile is hard to come across with Sway, known more for her coy grins and artful eyes, her friendly demeanor today went unfailing even as she wordlessly scampered off for the bride to acquaint herself with the enigmatical woman's gift.
Which LSD, of course, put aside for now, gifts were for after the ceremony!!

Ah, yes, the ceremony...

As you can all imagine, it was stunningly beautiful!! And everything went off without a hitch. But I think it is the new bride's to tell... ;)

And, yes, the kiss was long. But the applause was longer.

Then a buzzing sound was heard, and, spewing red smoke, Radbaron's plane zoomed over the festivities, and in daring loops, he spelled out the following well-wishes:
On this day, this blessed day, Lady She Devil and Erebus have walked the plank of marriage, and sailed off on the seas of Matrimony.
Forever will LSD be cherished and adored by her loyal captain, while Erebus shall know no bounds to the pleasure of "Tittycakes".
The God of Rock has looked favorably upon this new band merger, deeming them to be 6 stars out of 5.

Then, before we all proceeded to the giving of gifts, a little kitty with a crooked tail and some nicks in his ears sauntered up, giving off a rumbling purr. Normally the mischief maker, Azrael now wheezed and mewed out a wedding wish for LSD and Erebus:
May the sun lay light upon your shoulders
And your roads be smooth and your dragons few
May you find cool comfort on the hottest days
And warmth and joy on the darkest Winter nights
May you both know true friendship and fortune
And may the fires of your love last through the aeons
And as ever, may you live as long as you want
But not want as long as you live

Amid the gift givers, the little CyanideAngel fluttered up. Her wedding gift is a little bit of magic! It's a small crystal in which the bride and groom and date appear every time someone looks at it. Like a photographic memory that sparkles a lot. And there were a few cute little fairies always fluttering around it. The Angel giggled: "I gave them sugar so they are very giggly." It seemed she had nommed quite a bit of sugar herself!

Then the newlyweds were approached by the friskeh lynx kitteh Tenjen! He dragged something with him and plopped it in front of them, with only a bit of kitteh drool on it. He grinned: "It's a faux fur coat and faux fur pimp top hat. With nipple tassles with shiney deep red glitter on them! It's meant to be worn together with each other and nothing else :3 " LSD laughed and Erebus had a mad look of appreciation...

The feasting had begun, but some Elders were suspiciously absent... Where were the Sith??? Surely they were not so ebil that they misanthropically avoided the fun??
Suddenly, with a Force pulse, the doors to the great hall of feasting were cast open!!! "Oi, careful there, Engy!!" Ebil Sithlord (and acquitted ladykiller) Don Alexander called to the driver of a big flatbed truck. A truck loaded with... a cake!!!! A GIGANTIC CAKE!!! A cake so luscious that Ebil Sithlady cyanide_sweet was grumpily sweeping her light saber at pestery critters who were trying to steal crumbs. Finally, it was all in, Engy tipped his Engineer's Helmet and, merrily wielding his wrench, disappeared again. CS retracted her weapon and leaned against the wall, overloaded. But sooo proud of the cake she had designed. It truly was massive, ten meters long, and about four meters deep and high!!! It must weigh TONS!!!
"Well, people!!" the Sithlord thundered. "I thought we might not have enough to eat, so we came up with a little bit of something extra... Also, well, seeing it's so quiet here except for the slurping, burping and nomming... I spared no effort to organize a bit of musical entertainement!"
Sith lightnings crackled, and with a whoosh of fog and dry ice, the huge cake EXPLODED, covering everyone in yummy crumbs and delicious icing!! And even while the last rests were splattering to the floor and gooing onto the ceiling...
Dream Theater struck up "Pull Me Under"!!!! LSD and Erebus gasped, and almost fainted. There they really were!!! Portnoy, Rudess, Petrucci, Myung and LaBrie - playing at THEIR wedding!!!!

The following hours, as you can imagine, were raucous.

Finally, everything was winding down, and everyone had licked themselves clean, and even Myung had managed to say "Congratulations!" to the newlyweds. Asaryu shifted to tenta-pony mode, slightly suspiciously eyeing all the cans attached to her proud tail...

"Oi, hold up" Engy grunted as he came running into the Elder Cave "I got a surprise for y'all. Just follow me outside" he added as he walked out again. Outside, only his pick up truck was standing, completely cleaned up. Engy walked over to the back, picking up a controller. He pressed several buttons as the sentries on the truck started to move. They aimed to the air, before firing. Soon it became apparent that Engy had changed the ammunition into fireworks, the clear sky soon filled with beautiful colours and figures. Small hearts and the words 'Just Married' appeared in the sky. Engy was holding his cowboy hat on his head with one hand as he looked up into the sky. "There we go" he grinned as he looked at his present to the happy couple flying into the air.

Suddenly, the door to the Fortress of Hibernation slammed open, and a raging beary-mod, who had totally slept through everything, emerging, slinging his ban hammer!!! "WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS NOISE!!!! AWAY, ALL OF YOU, OR THERE SHALL BE BANNINGS!!!"

[Bear]

Well, better late than never, part 1 of my 7 k fanfic is here!

This was thought with the intention of cheering up a certain devil kitty, so it is especial for him. I hope you like it =^_^= And I hope you all like it too ^_^

Also, I include a scene with my forum Daddy that takes place whenever I chat to him before kitty-snooze time :3

There it goes!

The Elder Cave Sitcom: Part 1 ½.

Christmas dinner

[Very early in the morning, the bell rings. A cranky, disheveled Bear gets down the stairs, waving his hammer in his hand]

Bear: [grunts] Who rings the damned bell at this hour?! Decent people are trying to sleep! [grunts all the way to the door and picks the mail] Stupid postman coming so early!

[CS comes out of the kitchen and addresses Bear]

CS: Oh dear, it’s not that early. It’s 10 am after all and everybody has already got up and had breakfast. Even your sister… and she went out last night.
Bear: But it’s early for me!
CS: Tsk, tsk. Don’t grunt so much. And you should stop opening the door with that hammer in your hand. That’s why the postman always run away from our house after leaving the mail. We don’t even need a dog to chase him!
Bear: [mutters something as he goes through the mail] Bills…bills…bills…This hockey sticks catalogue must be for DnE…bills…bills…Ack, this surely is for T2B. I don’t think anyone else in this house has a subscription for “My kitty and me”…bills, bills…at last! A letter…ohh, T2B is surely going to be pleased! This one is from her Dad.
CS: Oh, let me take it to her. And drink this tea meanwhile, so your mood gets better! [hands a big cup of tea]
Bear: Caffeine! Yay! [gulps the tea, as CS leaves the room with the letter in her hand]

[Don is in the dining room, eating his oatmeal. A smiling T2B enters the room, with a small tabby kitty in one of her arms and waving a letter in one hand]

T2B: Oh Tata! [huggles], Daddy sent me a letter and told me he is coming to dinner with us! [smiles widely]
Don: Good, good...I like your Dad. He is a decent man. That woman should never have left him [grunts] She is not coming, isn't she?
T2B: No, she is in Germany with her new husband and wrote me telling she won't come. She is sending all of us presents! [pets Xar and addresses him] Including one for you, my pretty kitty [scritches behind Xar's ears]
Xar: [purrs happily]
Don: hmmph...Good, good [grunts]
T2B: He will be arriving just in time for the Christmas dinner.
Don: Hmmphh [grumbles] I don’t see why we have to celebrate on Christmas Day. In Germany we celebrate on Christmas Eve! That is the proper way [muttersgrumbles] And we eat Kromberschniedcher! [haumphs]
T2B: Gesundheit! What’s that?
Don: How can't you remember that? Potato pancakes!
T2B: [drools] Ohhh, those! Don’t worry, Granny is cooking those.
Don: Good, good [grumbles] Children these days are so picky! I ate nothing but canned red beets for two weeks in the trenches of Verdun!
T2B/Xar: [disgusted look]
Don: Harrumph! Red beets are good for you! When I was a child we had red beets every day and night, even for Christmas!
T2B: [yawns] Yeah Grandpa, and then Herr Drosselmeyer gave you a nutcracker [cheeky grin]
Don: Such insolence! You must have got it from that…..woman! [disgusted look]
T2B: DON´T REFER TO MOM IN THAT WAY!
Xar: [hisses at Don]
Don: That woman is a slut. She has had so many men [grumbles] Hmmphhh...And it runs in the family! Look at Asaryu, married with that....hippy! And you are going their way, missy!
T2B: Leave them out of this. And I am not going their way [pouts and storms out of the room]
Don: Hmmmpphh!!! KIDS!!!

[Few hours later. The bell rings again and T2B runs down the stairs, carrying Xar in one of her shoulders. Opens the door and freezes in her place]

T2B: Daddy!! You came earlier! [glomps him and hugs tight] I missed you so much! [nuzzles]
Paul: Hi Sweetie! [hugs back] Oh, my, you’ve changed so much since the last time I saw you [gives and adoring look] Oh! [looks at the kitty on her shoulder] and is this the little kitty I saw the last time I was here?
T2B: Yes! He is my Pet and goes with me everywhere [pets Xar, who purrs happily and nuzzles her face]
Paul: He seems to be a nice kitty. Aren’t you? [scritches Xar’s ears, who purrs louder and paw paws playfully at Paul]
Paul: Thought so [smiles and scritches Xar again, who nips on his fingers]
T2B: Come Daddy! Let’s take you to greet the rest. Oh, and I made Triple Chocolate Devil Cake! I will give you a big piece [tugs Paul by his hand before he can protest and flees to the kitchen]

[Dining room. After dinner, CS and Don had already go to sleep, and only Bear, DnE, Paul, T2B and Xar are there]

T2B: Ufff [rubs her belly and yamns] I am so full and tired!! I think I am going to bed. Daddy, would you tuck me in? [makes kitty eyes at Paul]
Bear: [rolls eyes] Aren’t you a bit old to ask to be tucked in? And why do you never ask us anyway? [humphs]
T2B: Because you've never asked? [smirks] Also, I don’t see Daddy as much as I see both of you!
Bear: But…
DnE: Oh, hush Bear. Don’t be so cranky. Let her do as she wants [warm smile]
[T2B stucks her tongue out at Bear and puts on a smug face]
Bear: [rolls eyes]
T2B: Aww, don’t be cranky! [hugs] Night all! [waves and flees to her room, with Xar in her arms]

[A bit later, T2B is sitting in her with her sleeping clothes on, petting Xar. Paul enters the room and heads in her direction]

T2B: Tuck in time Daddy!
Paul: [tucks T2B in and places Xar in her pillow, who nuzzles Paul’s hand sleepily] Good night Sweetie. Daddy loves you very much [hugs and kisses her forehead]
T2B: Night Daddy! [hugs and falls asleep immediately]
Paul: [kisses once more, smiles while turning out light and closing the door]

End of Part 1 ½
Part 1 ¾ to follow soon-ish…

[Don Alexander]

Teach delivers us her 8k!!! It's Anarkitty vs. The Man, a never-ending battle!!!

A little exchange in Jabber gave me this idea, so I wrote a very short fic for the 8k fanfic I owe, thus giving me time to finish the big one I have on the process of writing.

Apologies for grammar and punctuation, but it's late and I haven't had it proofreaded:

Rebellion?

“Look at them. They all look so happy, almost intoxicated. Oh well, maybe they are really intoxicated. What with all the Bailey’s and rum going around. Or maybe there is something in the water. I suspect those blue and pink bubbles are not only the result of an awesome soap…though I have to admit that it smells very nicely…NO!! I must remain strong to fight the establishment. The Anarkitty won’t give up in his life! Though I have nine lives…what am I thinking?!?!?

They look nice but I fear them. I have showed my opposition to the system by scratching the mod thrones and shedding over them, raiding the kitchen, painting the balcony pink and writing “Mods eunt domus” (it was not fun when I was caught and made to write “Mods ite domum” a hundred times). I have done everything and all I get is a “Oh Az, you naughty kitty!” from Teach and some treats. The worst I have got is some cussings from Don, but he is geriatric so he is not really a threat. They all look nice, but the claw has disappeared and I know they are there hiding... lurking... observing... waiting to come raging in, swinging the ban hammer...I must fight, I must resist!

They are still there in the BubblieBaff, having fun, enjoying life, drinking Bailey’s straight from the bottle and eating…*drools*…Choco-Bailey’s cookies and titty cakes, provided by LSD…They must reallt be intoxicated or mind controlled… LSD is wearing such a tight and revealing top…wet top!... What am I thinking? I can’t be defeated… Teacher is there too, inside the BubblieBaff and wearing about the same about of clothes…And SP is getting into the water too, wearing her new bikini….Oh hell! Why should I try to resist what I cannot change? Bubbliebaff is for me! Save a place for me….CANNONBALL!!!!!!!!!! *SPLASH*”

[Don Alexander]

Ecchi-Spud delivers his first!! Our first new writer in quite a while...

WARNING: Product of an out-of-practice fanfiction writer. What's worse, it's short, and it doesn't have an ending (yet).

I don’t own the Elder Cave; it belongs to the Pixie Trix Comix webforum. I’m just hanging around it for a while.

Somehow I think Sir Paul is going to shoot me for this . . .



BANNed, On the Run

An Elder Cave fanfic by Ecchi-Spud



Part One

The story you are about to read is TRUE (sort of). The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
For example, David Foreman is now called Lovey Moonrise.

-----

“Our fugitive is reported to be in the vicinity of Elder Cave, and has been on the move for at least five hours. He is on foot, carrying a large backpack with camping gear, and is believed to be an expert in outdoor survivalism. He is heavily armed, and extremely dangerous. What I want is a hard-target search of the Elder Cave area, including the Cibola Forest, in the perimeter out to the limits of Perfection, Maison de Nue, and Camp Anthrax.

“Our fugitive’s name is G. Mason. Git ‘em!!”

-----

“Heavily armed? Extremely dangerous?” Only gun I have on me is my takedown “Fave,” which I can barely hit a “Texas bulls-eye” (re: “side of the barn”) at 50 yards with. It’s just something I take as part of my camping gear, in case I want to add rabbit stew to the menu. As for “expert in outdoor survivalism,” . . . Does getting kicked out of the Boy Scouts qualify? (I swear, just ONE little accident involving flaming marshmallows and a tent . . .)

Anyway, this is what happens when you don’t “pay your dues” in the Elder Cave region. The local Sheriff starts to act like that actor (YOU know who I’m talking about) and does a speech to his men (all five of them, at this moment), and sends them out into the forest and surrounding towns to track down the poor sucker who didn’t write a fanfic.

No, I’m not making this up. A fanfic. Actual ordinance. Penalty’s supposed to be stiff. Repeat offenders get a last meal; take it from there.

And it’s not like I PLANNED to violate this particular ordinance; I just didn’t know about it when I first came to the Elder Cave region about – hmm, nearly three months ago. It’s not something that you hear in the advertisements about this place. Either that or they slip it in at high speed somewhere in the middle, like the mention of side effect in a drug commercial. I was more focused on the parts of “lush forests” and “naturism trails” and the like.

So there I was, just enjoying a beer in a bar in downtown Perfection. I had been in the area for two months, enjoying the sights (and WHAT SIGHTS!!), and the Sheriff drops by. He mentions that there was this little matter of a local ordinance, and that I was expected to deliver. After that, for the next couple of weeks, I start to go into panic mode. I mean, I had written fanfics before; last time I had checked, they were still posted on the Web. Problem was, I hadn’t written any in over two years; doctors called it a terminal case of writer’s block. And while I had been enjoying the sights of Elder Cave, I had absolutely NO idea what to do in this case.

This brings me to now. I got all of my camping gear, I picked up a box of 100 Mini-Mags (no, not Hydro-Shoks) at the general store, and headed out into the Cibola forest. Where am I going? I don’t know yet. Why not just leave the Elder Cave area? Hey, I’m not done with the sights. Besides, for all I know, there may be a fanfic in all of this.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to hit the trails. I may not be as heavily armed as the Sheriff claims, but I saw what he and the deputies were packing.



To Be CONTINUED?


DAMN!! Forgot to pick up bacon at the general store!!

[Don Alexander]

And here my return to the forum after like a ten-day break... ;)

Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction

Part LIII: BACON TO ORDER

No.
No!
Exactly.
Yes.
Yes...
Yes, I know how much a ton is.
No, I don't care if it's metric or imperial - though, imperial... Um, where was I?
Yes, anyway - same order of magnitude. And not just a ton, but several.
Indeed.
Oh, I know it'll be expensive. Listen, I have a gazillion imperial credits on my...
WHAT? Since when do you not take imperial credits anymore?
Oh, that. Well, okay, I guess... I have other funds.
Yes, please go ahead and check. *sigh*
.........
I told you so. Now, can we continue?
Well, i don't care if you do use a dump truck.
Exactly. A dump truck full of ewoks.
No, I was being sarcastic. Of course I still want bacon!
Say what?
Yes.
Exactly.
We are that Elder Cave. So how about not messing around.
Yes, I realize you are from out of town, but our supply lines dried up when we had a change of management.
No.
No, I will not.
You claim you can deliver anything on your webpage. I find your lack of delivering ability... disturbing.
Yes, several tons of bacon count as well. Shall I force-launch the Merriam-Webster against your head?? Anything means exactly that.
No, you are not squirming out of this.
Choke you? Come on, I'm trying to make business with you. Though if you test the patience of the Sith any longer...
We have more subtle methods. I'll just send our Elder Ninja Kitty.
Does it matter she has not been seen in months? She's a ninja!! Of course she's invisible!
So, you don't believe me? Hold on a sec.
*Imperial March*
You're wearing a blue tie with Krusty the Klown on it?? Jeez, your sense of taste is just... wrong!
Yes, exactly.
No, you won't be able to see her.
Oh, and stop watching porn during office hours.
I see.
Thank you.
Sure I can thank you. Well, maybe I should reserve it when the dump truck arrives and the pink bear is sated.
Has been nice doing business with you.
*click*


The line "A dump truck full of Ewoks!" is actually from my childhood, a friend of my father used to say it when trying to come up with the ideal present for me...

[Don Alexander]

Out of the blue, Tenjen graces us with a fic about Lynx-Kitteh's first day on the job!!

Kilo-post fanfic II - Lynx Kitteh's First day on the job! WRitten in my trademark, phrase by phrase style!

Yay job! yay Salary!

*lynx kitteh goes to work*

My ID is processed! *clipped to his tiny stub tail*

AAAHHHHH *twirls around trying to get it off*

argh, nevermind time to meet colleagues

*hops onto his desk and is introduced to his colleagues, many scritches and pets are had*

Yay, colleagues are great and explain neat work stuff. Time to get busy.

*large stack of papers comes crashing down*

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH *crushed under mountain of paperwork*

*rustling inside*

Got to check if the info on these are right. Gotta get the photos glued on too. *movement inside mountain of papers*

I found a mistake on this job designation! THis one and this other one too! *colleague takes them and shows how to send them back into processing*

*lynx kitteh grabs the uhu glue stick in his maw and glues the photo's, then presses them on the photo square insertion thingy spot on the important legal documents*

YAY WORK.

*listens to colleagues explain the system of work and how documents need to be prepared and what goes where and how to do it and whats coming up.

We're gonna have an oracle system soon! I'am all up for a dancing nubile girl. *thinks about "oracle" scene from 300* SOFT RESTING MOUNDS PLACE!

*new mountain of paperwork buries lynx kitteh*

*more shuffling as lynx kitteh climbs around inside them, putting them in order and marking and tagging them with their code*

Iam learning new things! where these documents come from and where they go from here!

*finishes work*

TIme to put htem in the out box!

*grabs some papers in his maw and throws them into an odd box near the desk*

FFFFFFFFFFFZZZZZZZZZZZZZZHHHHHHHTT

Hmmmmmm this out box makes funny noises

*throws in some medical documents and insurance papers*

FFFFFFFFZHHHHHHHHH

Hmmmmm this needs more investigationisms.

*pushes a mount of passports and visa's with his head into the strange outbox bin*

FFFZHZHHTHTHTTTTZHHHHHHH

This grinding noise can only mean one thing.

MAGIC OUT BOX!

*a colleague arrives, gives lynx kitteh scritches and brings him a staple remover to use*

Lynx kitteh looks at staple remover, also known as STEEL JAWS OF KITTEH DEATH!

IT EATS ME! *lynx kitteh swipes at it and knocks it away*

The magic outbox will save me!

*jumps into the bin*

*horrifying grinding sounds*

And thus the conclusion of "Lynx kitteh's last day on the job"!

Tune in next time for "We own you body and soul lynx kitteh, there is no escape, not even death"

[Don Alexander]

The DA finally presents his 15K 850 posts late!

[quote="Don "Writer's Block and Lazy Butt" Alexander"]Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction

Part LV: YIRA INTREPID AND THE CRITTERCULT OF VASTDEEP

Episode 1: Versus the Darkness

"Darkness, ho!!" cries Yira Intrepid, dashing young beautiful explorer, as she adjusts her Trusted Fedora just so™, ready to set out and find out all about the mysterious critters, the mystery critters, the critter mystery, and whatever that was all the about. She checks that her faithful companion, Tenj the Lynx Kitteh, is snug in her armor pouch, and takes the first step on a very long journey...

... only to come face to face with a wall of impenetratable darkness, a pall shrouding the passage into the deeper Cave.

"Scuzzyous scalliwags, what be this now??" She reaches forward, and her hand disappears into cold, slowly pulsing mist. It feels... icky... She quickly withdraws. Tenj turns his eyes into strobes, but the light is swallowed by the darkness, which grinds it up and spits it out as weak sparkles, soon to die as they float to the floor. Tenj whimpers and withdraws.

"Since the dawn of man, he hath combateth darkness with fire!" Yira makes a triumphant gesture, lopes over to where Iceman is lying dead drunk next to the new Nameless Tavern, and borrows some sticks from the fire in a trash barrel. She pokes at the darkness... and the fire is snuffed!!!

"I think I know what is needed," she hears a voice behind her. Turning, she sees a tall, foreboding man, his gaze hooded in shadow under his wide-brimmed hat, wielding a staff worthy of a a wizard. He is a wizard!!! He is Lighthawk!! "Step aside, young Miss. I cast... Magic Missile! I attack the Darkness!!!" A lance of steely fire shoots from the tip of his outstretched staff, disappearing with a "SCHLOMPF!" sound into the Darkness. Out of the depths, a dull thud reverberates, a deep, dusky crimson ball of fire blooms outward... only to dissipate and disappear. The Darkness is unperturbed.

While Yira stands nearby, tapping her foot, anxious to be on her way, other Cave dwellers try to help her. Adamas gets Darkslapped, Tellus loses even more Magic missiles... Off in a corner, Azrael looks on with a smug expression and licks his crotch.

"This be of no use, these notorious nincompoops know nothing! Tenj, I suggesteth we query someone who is truly a Master of the Dark!"

Off they go, leaving Tellus and Lighthawk to shout out who really has the longest Magic Missile, while Yen Sid whips out some legal documents to sue The Darkness for sounding like AC/DC and taking his money.

"Mew!" Tenj-Kitteh peeks out of his pouch. "Yes, we will arriveth soon. Blasted Bollywocks of stupid stairs! Why doth he dwell so far from us all?" Finally, she arrives upon the top of the sparse, spartan Geriatric Blacony. In the middle of it, a hulking anthromorph figure, looking like a golem made out of smoky glass, is sitting on the bare floor in Lotus position, feeding several little animals. A racoon, a ferret, and a little red panda. All three rush over as soon as our intrepid explorer arrives, bouncing up and down out of joy. Tenj-Kitteh hisses at them, because, indeed, Yira can't keep herself from handing out some kitteh treats to the frolicking mass of fuzzy fur.

"Greetings, Yira," says the Sith Lord Don Alexander as he rises up and approaches her, each movement slow but inexorable. "What can I do for you today?"

"Well now, DA, I am on a most holy of quests!! I seeketh the location of the critters, those crumpets, which once in Age of Legends did often troubleth the Cave with their shoddy shenigaggins."

"The critters... They have not been seen in quite a while, indeed. It's not like they left when the great Beary One was un-ban-hammered... And even more so, now that you speak of it - it's peculiar that they are not running rampant since their ancient enemy, Teach, has sealed and shrouded the door to her kitchen, perhaps for all time... Yes, a big mystery indeed. But why have you come to me?"

Yira looks over the balcony railing, having to stand on tip-toes (great of heart is the Intrepid Explorer, but small of stature). "Seeth he down there? 'Tis a vast and impregnable Darkness that has been raised vilely 'gainst my passage!"

"Ah, that. Heh. That's just Azrael playing a trick on you with his portable Pocket Netherrealm Generator. It should run out of ichor to juice it soon. But... It was good for you to come to me anyway!"

Rising up to his full seven feet of height, the Dark Lord of the Sith suddenly wields a light saber in his closed fist. Crackling, the blade extends, red, pulsing, flickering, blistering with powerful current. Yira steps back, perplexed, though not afraid (she has never been afraid of anything!). Tenj mewls and hides deep in her cleavage.

Don Alexander swings the light saber, but only slightly - and now a play of shadows catches Yira's eye. Shadows on the wall where there should be no shadows, where just a smooth wall should be... She approaches it, and only then makes it out to be a tunnel into the side of the Elder Cave mountain!!

"This here is one of the many hidden entrances Pepperkitty, the Ninja Assassin of the Elder Council, used back when she snuck around the cave on her mysterious business (which mostly involved ninja-stealing bacon treats from Sideways in McLovecraft's). It is marvellously cloaked, but becomes visible when bathed in the light of my blade, Dark Mischief. It is a shortcut to the place you are seeking, and you are small enough to fit in and peruse the hidden passages. A map I have not, so you must use your intrepid senses to find your way."

Yira grins and puts down the Balcony zoo that had been making their homes in her arms and on her shoulders. "Sorry, my little friends of the fur, but I shain't be taking you with me. Too many dangers await, and only my Tenj-Kitteh is truly attuneth to me." She looks to the secret entryway.

"Tunnels, ho!!"

Half an hour and thirteen multiple crossings later, Yira admits to herself she is hopelessly lost. To add insult to injury, Tenj-Kitteh, having eaten too many kitteh treats, snorgles into the armor pouch and goes to sleep, plunging them in darkness.

"Oh, boisterous bedoodles, Kitty, wake up! Even I mayeth not penetrate this ghastly gloom with mine own eyes!"

Silence.

Then not silence.

"What... was that... NOISE???" Yira whispers to herself.

The Adventures of Yira Intrepid MAY continue!!!

(If the box office results don't disappoint, that is.)

;)
[/quote]