when were you happiest?
I had just been to an extremely depressing job interview where I received false compliments so that the company could scam me out of money in return for looking for work for me. I was walking back to the bus station to go back to Fireboys house (I was homeless for the second time in my life and staying with him until I could get back on my feet) and I saw Juan Mann. He had his free hugs sign and he looked like an appoachable chap so I went over and hugged him. I enjoyed the hug so much that I ended up staying in Pitt Street mall for 5 hours straight hugging strangers and hearing snippets of bad days made better by the kindness of strangers. That memory will always stay with me, and I am terribly angry at myself for losing the sign that Juan gave me.
what is your geratest fear?
I don't think I have one really. Possibly the incredibly selfish fear of being misunderstood. It makes me extremely anxious when I think that people think poorly of me when I have done my best in a bad situation. I suppose I also fear myself. I have an inkling of what I am capable of and it can either be incredibly good or incredibly bad, or a complete waste of time. I've consciously chosen to head towards good wherever I think I have a choice, but I always give a little lingering look down the bad path and I see how much easier it would be for me if i went there.
what is your earliest childhood memory?
I have a memory of sitting in a car seat in the back of my mothers car and having her look over her shoulder on her way to work, noticing I was there and saying "Shit, I forgot to drop Alycia off at preschool!"
what living person do you most admire and why?
I don't know. I don't know if I have the capacity to admire the works of others. I think, like farthingale, that we all do the best we can with the lot we're given, and that any attempt at measuring these things empirically is both redundant and insulting. To admire a rich, famous someone for incredible good deeds is to devalue the amount of energy it takes a chronically depressed nobody to get out of bed. Both are equally worthy of admiration in my books.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My selfishness. I don't tend to see it until too late, but I can be an incredibly selfish person if I am not paying attention.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Failure to ask "why?" and "why not?".
What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought (not including a property)?
When I was 16/17 I saved up AU$3,500 and I bought myself a computer with it. Although my education has cost me more money, I haven't actually paid for it yet, so when the bill comes in, I'll count that instead.
What is your most treasured possession?
I own a lot of things, but I don't really treasure any of them. I'm not a particularly sentimental person, although I used to try so hard to attach meaning to objects, I found it difficult and always assumed it meant I was emotionally stunted and cold-hearted.
Where would you like to live?
I don't care about the location, as long as I am among friends.
what would your super power be?
Like Neko, I would be a shapeshifter. I have never felt entirely comfortable in my own skin, and I have never really been able to reconcile who I am with who I see in the mirror. I wish my body could reflect who I am at any given moment. I don't want it to be beautiful, just true.
what makes you depressed?
My limitations. The fact that i can see the barriers to my happiness so clearly and understand them so well, but I am unable to take the small step over that incredible and gaping void in order to make the changes to my interactions that I need to in order to solve the problems forever.
who would play you in the movie of your life?
I would need to be animated, i think. I doubt that a female actor could do me justice, and I find it unlikely that my life will be a romantic comedy or a farce in order to facilitate the cross dressing required for an adequate portrayal by a male actor. hence, I think I would be better off animated. I would be voiced my someone fun.
what is your favourite book?
I don't really have one. I have books I enjoyed reading, and books that have changed me and the way I think. Both of these things are found in only the rarest gems of books.
what is your favourite smell?
The smell of food when I am hungry. The smell of sex on my partner after we are both sated and lying in each others arms. The smell of a woodfired oven. The smell of the beach from far away. The smell of freshly cut timber. The smell of clean me after a shower or bath. The smell of clean linen freshly brought in from a sunny day. The smell of clean water running in a stream.
what do you most dislike about your appearance?
Gods. Where do i start? I dislike my skin, since it breaks out in pimples whenever i am happiest. I dislike my hormones for fucking with my brain every month. I dislike the area under my chin where I have little neck. I dislike my tummy since it will never ever be flat. Anything else I dislike will probably just make me depressed, so i will stop with that.
what is your guiltiest pleasure?
Making fun of people who annoy me through no fault of their own; Comparing stupid people to Wendy and finding out that Wendy is still the most assinine creature I have ever dealt with.
what do you owe your parents?
I owe my mother for saving my life when I was 4, and for keeping me when she didn't want to, and for doing her best when she had no idea what to do and didn't have anyone to turn to. I owe her half of my intelligence and for the shape of my chin.
I owe my father for for the things I know about his life that have made me want to be better than him. I owe him for creating the one situation I have ever been in that proves that my mother loves me. I owe him for the shape of my hips, the colour of my eyes and for the sound of my voice. I owe him for my flighty and compulsive personality and for the other half of my intelligence.
what does love feel like?
Love feels like being lost and found at the same time.
who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
All the people i love and cherish.
which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Your mum's a [insert object, concept or name here]; How are you?; Is there anything you want?
if you could edit your past, what would you change?
I would use the understanding I have now to make the good decisions about the people I choose to spend time with earlier than I did.
when did you last cry, and why?
I cried at Washington DC Airport at 3 in the morning when I found out my plane had been cancelled and I thought about hearing the disappointment in Ugo's voice when I would have to call him and tell him.
how do you relax?
I read a book, play a game, snuggle with someone I care about, go for a walk, sleep or talk to a friend.
how often do you have sex?
It varies depending on who I am with and the sexual dynamic between us. In Australia it varies between 2 or 3 times a week and once a month. Here it's at least twice a day if we have the privacy, but we are intimate every second we are together.
what's the closest you've come to death?
When my mother found out she was pregnant with me, she was going to have an abortion. A couple of days before her appointment, her good friend, Lillian died, and she decided that she was going to keep me and teach me to be as good a person as the one she lost.
When my father found out my mother was pregnant with me, he repeatedly punched her in the stomach in the hopes of forcing a miscarriage.
When my father met me for the first time when I was 4, he went a little nuts and came back that night to kill me. He didn't know where I was, and my mother underwent torture at his hands and still refused to tell him.
what do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being a pretty good person in the scheme of things.
what keeps you awake at night?
worry about the future and the things I have to do in it.
what song would you like played at your funeral?
Boo to funerals.
where would you like to be right now?
Among the people I love and cherish. I have one of them here, but I wouldn't mind having the rest of them as well.
(that means most of you guys, too)