The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

And now, another Teach fan-fic :D
Teacher2B wrote:Well, 500 posts later...my 4k fanfic... :)

Well Angel, I think is my duty to show you the Cave and introduce you to its dwellers. Are you comfy on my shoulder? Great. And you, little devil? No! No being naughty or I will bring out the chibi-paddle...

Well, that's DnE's bunker. He is the Lord Marshall of the Kodiak Bear Guard and keeps the entrance of the Cave safe... No, no, don't be afraid of the Kodiaks. They won't hurt you, as you are with an Elder. And they are easily bribable with bacon...plus, they fear the Kodiak sized paddle... Oh, that? Ah, that mountain is the Glassheap mountain. It is made of empty Bailey's bottles... Yes, we drink too much of it.

Oh, over there you can see the Bubbliebaff. Our Tentacoo Goddess lives in the depths of it. But now she has gone on honeymoon with MS, our Pirate Jesus. So JVD, the lizardy Queen is taking care of her place... Oh, to the East of the Bubbliebaff is Farsingeru's room. But I am not sure where, as it is too well hidden...

This is the throne room. Those are all the Elders thrones. Mine is that dark blue one over there. Very comfy it is... Hush, Beary Mod is asleep on his throne. Be careful not to awaaa..... Xar! Come here, you naughty kitty!! No sharpening your claws on the thrones!!! Ermm.... Oh, hi Bear. No, no, it's ok. These are my new Pets. Yes, I will take care of them. Yes, I you can have more Bailey's. Here you go... Sleep well... Phew… That was close... I think I'll better take you to the kitchen... LSD lives there. She does the yummiest foods. Do you want some kitty treats?

I told both of you not to eat so many treats. You're both a bit heavy on my shoulders... Hey! No biting... Oh! Here's the Garden. Be careful of the Audreys. They bite... The Zen Master of the Garden and his shadowy minions are not there at the moment. We should take care of the plants one of these days >>

That over there is the balcony. That's where our Sithlord and Sithlady live. Oh, and they have a petting zoo too!! No, we are not going there... Too many stairs >> I still remember after last Christmas. My legs were aching too much... No, no, hush, hush… Don't be scared of the buzzing sound. That's just Radbaron flying over the Cave.

Well, before finishing I want to show both of you something... This is my room. Very big, isn't it? Oh, and there are two other smaller rooms here. One is Frankie's, though he rarely uses it, and the other is Alison's bedroom. So cute, all in pink and full of plushies. Oh, wait, Frankie's room is also like that... Oh, look there! See that up in the walls? Those are the tunnels. Pepperkitty uses them to come and go quickly. Those there lead to other forumites' rooms. Those gave easy access to the ebil things stock… I hope Az has not been raiding it again. But I want to show you something pretty. But wait... BAMF! Ahh... Kitty form again... So nice. Why do I always keep my human form? Oh, yes... Thumbs! Well, follow me through this tunnel...

Isn't this pretty? This is the Forest behind the Elder Cave. Here resides our Lynx Shaman, but now he has gone to India for two months... This place brings back so many memories... Yes, I miss him a lot *sigh*... No, I am ok, thanks... Now that I remember, he used to have loads of candy ammunition, though that was before the Kodiaks raided the place. Let's see if we can find something...

Good you could find some caramel over there. Tenjen is very fond of caramel... Erm… Nothing... Oh, look there! The critters are building somethi... No! Xar! Bad kitty! No playing with lun... Erm... No scaring the critters! And no pouting at me!... Aww, why so scared? Turn around? Okay... Epp!! Frankie! No, Frankie! It's me, Teach... BAMF! How many times have I told you NOT to hug me while in kitty form?... Wait... Why are you all looking at me like that? Ack! Naked again! I really need to look for better clothes in that shape-shifting catalogue...

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

Oh noes! Not another Don fan-fic! Just kidding :P Enjoy.
Don Alexander wrote:DISCLAIMER: The following text may be disturbing to some. It is not funny. It hardly contains any references to anyone. It continues from my #4000 fanfic

Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction

Part XXIX: A Looming Haunt

Silence surrounds me as I approach the huge mountain with long, purposeful strides. Under my heavy footsteps, the regolith crunches, and small puffs of dust shoot up, to be torn down again with eerie speed in the punishing gravity. Total silence kisses the blasted landscape like the embrace of a dead-cold succubus, yet the seductive whisper of the Dark Force strokes my innermost being, a sibilant hiss promising salvation through annihilation. And it emanates from the mountain in front of me, that impossible Black Cathedral which rears upward to strike lethally into heaven's heart. Whatever I must confront, I must confront it there.

My march continues, and slowly but surely, I approach. The mountain looms, as if wanting to topple and crush me, meager little soul of an invader. The feeling of the crunching ground under my armor-clad feet begins to change. I look down, channeling an inkling of Force to heighten my senses. Glass shards! Everything is covered by wicked shards of glass, just made to tear lesser clothing (space suits?) to bits. Some of them have... paper glued to them? After a while, I can reconstruct the label: Bailey's Blood - nice... By this time, I have more or less puzzled out what will await me. A twisted reflection, a mirror that is a blade. A circus of perversities, in which all dreams are rent beyond recognition... Or... no! There shall be recognition, and it shall be all the more painful.

Time passes, and monotony creeps into the folds of my brain. I trudge. The mountain looms ever larger. And finally, I make out the point of entry. Weep, Karnak, weep, oh Petra... Stretching out onto the plain is an alley of tremendous columns. They seem to be made of blackest basalt, though, as I approach and they come to tower over me, I see that they are eternally weeping a black, viscous fluid, as if multitudes of captured souls within were crying oily tears. The capitals are of the ionic order, the volutes comprised of writhing tentacles - tentacles which move and glisten in a stately dance... Between the columns, which reach, as far as I can judge, several hundred meters high, and which seem incredibly slim and tapered in this crushing gravity, the plain has been flattened, now comprised of irregularly outlined flagstones, each many meters in diameter. Everything here is gigantic, as if, despite the huge pull of weight, the beasts that tread this dimension were hulking juggernauts...

One by one I leave the columns behind me, and now the end of my journey is in reach. Thirteen columns on each side, each one separated by maybe 200 meters from the next, and the passageway is this wide as well. You could easily land a jet airliner here - not that it would be able to fly without air. And finally, the portal, the gateway, abandon all hope, ye who enter here, looms before me. (I seem to be using the word "loom" often - but it is just so fitting...) The structures based on swirling, slowly writhing huge tentacles are repeated here, they knit intricate mind-raping forms along the walls of the mountain. Further inward, an overhang l... leads to the actual gate. As I approach, the ground begins to shudder, as huge black masses tear themselves from the walls in a slow-motion dance and begin to waver around me - though they do not approach too closely. They do not seem to be aggressive, or fulfilling the roles of guardians. Which makes me wonder if I am... welcome here?? Quite a disturbing thought, I wish no part of this bitter realm, yet deem my entry into its heart to be the only solution for my return.

After so much symmetry, finally a break appears. The massive gate, which seems to consist of dark, even charred wood beams held together by cold back steel, lies off to the right of the center line. On the left side of the Cave entrance, a small - well, small in light of all this gargantuism - fortified building juts out of the side of the mountain. Suddenly, I sense movement behind me - I turn, and see something like a curtain descending, while the massive guardian tentacles withdraw. Again, it is constructed of trembling tentacles. As it attaches itself to the ground and utter darkness falls, unseen vents emanate glowing yellow clouds. Some kind of very probably noxious gas, and what might pass as a "breathable" atmosphere in this realm. It disperses rapidly, and soon after, the surroundings are bathed in a sickening soft yellow glow. The stuff must obviously transmit sound... And a short while afterward, I hear two thuds, followed by rumbling, as two parts of the wall of the fortress descend into the shaking ground. Out step lumbering creatures, hulking beasts cloaked in shimmering, oily dark brown (oh, wow, almost garish after all the shadings of black) fur. Bears. But, oh, what has become of the majesty and pride of the Kodiak Guard Bears?? These shambling buffons seem both well-muscled, yet emaciated, their ribs clearly sticking out. Quite often literally, for these guardians are... zombie bears?? Great wounds gape in their sides, their muzzles drip suppuration, maggots squirm in their empty eye holes. Good thing I cannot smell them, they must reek abominably!! After a dozen have shuffled out, they position themselves in a half-circle. Finally, a really small - barely higher than myself - gate opens between the two bear portals, and the lord of the fortress steps out. Pretty much what I expected. A hideously twisted, humpbacked olive green goblin, snaggletoothed, mismatching eye colors, long, warped claws caked with dried blood, hair like a steel brush sticking out of two long ears full of holes, the naked, bald head trailing scurf on to the ground. Dirty and evil... Right.

The hideously malformed creature approaches, its breath wheezing, until it stops a few meters in front of me. It spreads its long arms... and bows!! And a deep rumbly voice issues from the scrawny frame, carried by the thick poison fog:

"Masssttteeerrrr... It hasssss been ssssso loooong. Velcome baaaack..."

To be continued.

Damn, I hope DnE has a sense of humor... : P

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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And now presenting DnE's second fanfic :
Dirty n Evil wrote:Kilopost Fanfic - post #2,000!!!

As the Lord Marshall of the Guardians of the Elder Caves, it's my responsibility to take care of the Kodiaks. Which really doesn't bother me, because they're fully grown bears and for the most part they can take care of themselves. In addition, I've always been fond of animals and the Kodiaks are no exception. Only, there is one of their members that often requires a bit of extra special personal treatment. I'm sure you know I'm talking about the one and only Frankie.

The other Kodiaks just curl up and sleep outside... Frankie has his own little cushioned bed in my bunker fort. We've all seen the way Frankie feels the need to be the center of attention, loving how Alison dotes over him. But what most people don't know is that he insists on me reading him bedtime stories before he turns in. He likes a lot of the old classics, but he also prefers to hear about his many friends among the Elders. Which is why I have to twist the old stories around a lot, and they end up something like this.


Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest... what was that? Oh, all right Frankie - Frankie Pink Riding Hood was skipping through the forest, bringing some coffee and bacon snacks to Teacher2B. He knew she was missing her dearest Tenjen, and thought the gift would help brighten her day. Strolling along the woodland trail Frankie Pink Riding Hood paused to watch a little spectacle at a nearby cottage. Alison was dressed up in a lovely frilly dress and was running away from its three residents; Farthingale, Asaryu, and JVDifferent. It seems that Alison had eaten their cupcakes, played dress up in their nicest clothes, and built a couch cushion fort that she fell asleep in when they came home. If she hadn't spooked so easily, she might have realized that they just wanted to join in.

Strolling further along on his path, he passed by Don Alexander and the most enormous beanstalk that reached up into the clouds. Frankie thought perhaps the beanstalk was a short cut he could use, and climbed up with Don. There a Bear the size of a mountain chased them down while wielding a giant hammer, threatening to ban them both from his cloud kingdom. They were in a real pickle until Cyanide Sweet showed up wearing seven league boots and helped lead them away. Don was quiet happy to be reunited with Cyanide Sweet, and Frankie Pink Riding Hood climbed back down the beanstalk to give them some time alone.

The trail took him further on and on, passing a crew of pirates on the beach lead by a long haired Captain Midge-Shrimp-Hook. He and his men were plotting a scheme to catch the Captain's nemesis, the mischeif making Azrael Pan. They looked a bit dangerous, and Frankie Pink Riding Hood skirted in the shallows of the water to avoid them. In the water he met a lovely scarlet haired mermaid who called herself Lady Sexy... er, Lady She Devil. She was very interested in things that happened on land, and chatted with Frankie Pink Riding Hood for a bit before swimming back out to sea.

Frankie was tired of holding his basket of goodies above the water, and once he was past the bucaneers he quickly made his way back to land. Only, he was lost and found himself wandering through a forest. He encountered the pair of Ithilion and Morwen, laying out a trail of breadcrumbs behind them. They were nice enough to explain it was their special garden with pet Audrey's, and they were currently quite happy as they'd found their friend Mouse being that she was missing previously. The invited Frankie Pink Riding Hood to stay a bit longer in the garden, but he insisted he needed to head to Teacher2B's home and give her the goodies he had. So they pointed him the way out and waved him goodbye.

Frankie traveled on and on, seeing many interesting things. He saw a tiny Radbaron riding a butterfly and having an aerial battle with a finch. He was helped by an equally miniscule Lilianna, who asked the spiders in the flowers to build a web that the finch was tangled in and allowed Radbaron an advantage. Later, he passed a brick house with Otaku201, GothPoet, and Atherakhia inside. Just beyond their door was a wolf who'd nearly blown until he passed himself out, but the three of them were engaging in a massive video gaming tournament and had personally forgotten that the mangy fellow had been chasing them.

Next, Frankie Pink Riding Hood passed by a massive castle that was overgrown with thorny bushes while the guards Thaldin and Kamino Neko dozed in the front. They roused just barely long enough to explain that this was the home of Princess Swayambhu, the sleeping beauty. The story passed along was that she slept under a magical curse, but rumor had it that she'd simply wanted too many glamorous dresses of the finest styles, trying them on one after another until she fell asleep from exhaustion. The entire kingdom was napping while she did, and nearly mid-sentence both Thaldin and Kamino Neko slipped once more into deep slumber. Tip toe-ing away, Frankie continued on his way to Teacher2B's.

There was also an encounter with a very nice fellow named Zgwortz, who for some reason referred to himself as a Beast. He tactfully explained to Frankie Pink Riding Hood that there was a very pleasant Beauty waiting back for him that he planned to have some adult fun with, but this is a polite bedtime story so we won't be going into any further detail about that matter.

The most frightening encounter that Frankie Pink Riding Hood had on his trip was that of the Headless Horseman, JTHomeslice. Frankie had heard of the ghostly Hessian, and even though he suspected JT wasn't the least interested in a pink Kodiak head, Frankie hid himself at the side of the road all the same until the Horseman road long past. It was after that he came on a small group and made the acquaintence of Fen White with a gang of seven dwarves. Fen White said she wasn't going to wait for some silly prince or a rotten stepmother, she and her friends were off to see a concert. They also invited Frankie to stay with them, but he had a duty to complete and kept to the trail.

It was then that by the edge of a lake Frankie Pink Riding Hood passed a ninja cat wearing boots and a young man who claimed to be Teacher2B's pet, Xarlaxas. The cat, Pepperkitty, explained they had a plan to make Xarlaxas into a Marquis but if Frankie knew the way to Teacher2B's cottage that was better by far. Once Xarlaxas dried off and dressed, they finished the last leg of Frankie Pink Riding Hood's long journey. Teacher2B was happy to see all of them and offered hugs to her "pet", hugs for Pepperkitty whom she called her "sis", and was of course happy to see Frankie (especially with gifts of coffee!)

That was when Frankie brought out a special gift for Teacher2B from his basket, a bundle of letters that had come from far away lands and over the ocean. They were correspondences from Tenjen, just the thing to tide her over until he returned in person. Happy at the surprise, Frankie got the biggest hug from Teacher2B.

The End

(Hopefully, I got most everyone with this fairy tale / kilopost fanfic! If you were a bit confused as to which fairy tale was being referenced, here's a little guide:

Little Red Riding Hood: Frankie, Teacher2B
Three Little Bears: Alison, Farthingale, Asaryu, JVDifferent
Jack and the Beanstalk: Don Alexander, Bear
Hop 'O My Thumb: Cyanide Sweet
Peter Pan: MidgetShrimp, Azrael
The Little Mermaid: LadySheDevil
Hansel and Gretel: Ithilion, Morwen
Tom Thumb: Radbaron
Thumbelina: Lilianna
Three Little Pigs: Otaku201, GothPoet, Atherakhia
Sleeping Beauty: Swayambhu, Thaldin, Kamino Neko
Beauty and the Beast: Zgwortz
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow: JTHomeslice
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves: Fen
Puss in Boots: Pepperkitty, Xarlaxas
special mention: Tenjen!

I hope you all enjoyed it!)

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

LSD fanfic number two :)
LadySheDevil wrote:Green eyes flashed with a tinge of red as the cloaked figure scurried about the dark room, somehow managing to not run into any of the racks that were scattered about her. She whipped around with a grin when she heard the “ding!” of the oven signalling that the next batch of sweets was ready to come out. She deftly whipped the pans out and slid them onto the nearest rack, almost knocking a pot of boiling water as she put in yet another pair of pans to bake.

“Don’t you dare!” She scolded the seemingly inanimate object under her breath. It seemed to listen, as it settled down immediately.

She dumped in a bag of peeled potatoes and put the lid on.

The sound of the heavy door creaking open caught her attention, and she was there in an instant. “Who goes there?!” She whispered sharply. Everybody should be in bed right now.

A tiny pair of glowing eyes looked up at her in the dimness. “Oh! I’m sorry!” Pepperkitty climbed the cloaks up to the figure’s shoulder and sat down. “I got hungry!”

“Ah, it’s you! When did you get back? I thought you were going to be another couple days.”

“I just got back... I don’t want to wake anyone up though. I’ll see everyone in the morning,” the feline purred.
A pale hand emerged from the robes to scratch her under the chin. “Well, I’m glad to see you back little one. Would you like to help out?”

“What are you doing up so late? And...” Pepper raised her head, sniffing the air, “cooking? At this hour? What’s going on?”
She scanned the room, spying many Cave-dweller favourites: Everything from cheesecake topped with fresh fruit, to a 35-lb bacon-wrapped turkey (which was undoubtedly also stuffed with bacon), to slushies of every conceivable flavour, to a huge tray of McLovecraft’s own Cthulhu fries.

The figure grinned, and Peppercat could see a fang glint in the light.

“I felt bad for almost-abandoning everybody... I’ve really missed you all so, so much that I need to make it up to everyone the best way I can. So, happy tummies it is!”

“I’m sure they’ll love this... But for breakfast?”

A devilish giggle echoed into the hallway, “hehe... Well, there are breakfast-y things as well... But really, at least half of this is for the Kodiak Guard alone. You know them... They’ll eat anything, at any time.”

Just then, they both turned their attention to a noise coming from a hidden entrance in the far corner of the kitchen. Another dark figure entered, lugging behind him a cart piled high with bottles of Baileys an rum.

He huffed and collapsed to the floor, “here’s... Your damn... Booze...”

Pepperkitty had already scurried out... Cats...

Chef She-Devil rushed to the aid of her new kitchen-helper.

“Well, you didn’t have to run, Erebus! I don’t need you dropping dead from exhaustion before the wedding!” She picked his chin up and planted a kiss before helping him up and getting him a glass of water.

“Get some rest. You deserve it. You’re a life saver, trust me.” She smiled and, after kissing him on the forehead, shoved him gently towards another hidden door where their sleeping quarters were.

He shut the door behind him and she continued on. She had strudels to fill, cookies to bake, cream-puffs to bukakkify, and a bazillion other things to do before morning, which was fast approaching.

***

The hall smelled wonderful as the Cave-critters and the Elders awoke, rubbing their eyes as they filed in from all directions and none. LSD had even gotten in a couple hours of sleep after convincing some of the Kodiak Guard to set up the tables and bring out the...

Food...

She blinked and rubbed her eyes, looking around.

The food... Was... EVERYWHERE.

Mashed potatoes and custard hung from the stalactites, dripping occasionally onto the floor at her feet, on her head...

Everywhere.

There was pasta strewn between pillars and meat balls stuffed in the eye-holes of the Guard helmets that were displayed throughout the hall.

Pastries decorated the walls, making splatters that she was confident forensic investigators would find fascinating.

There was a gasp of shock behind her, just as she saw the cheesecake squashed against the Beary-mod’s door. A trail of strawberry juice and chocolate trickled down below it.


She turned around to find Asaryu and Midgetshrimp hand-in-hand, staring at the new decor.

“What happened,” the resident Tentacoo-Goddess wondered aloud.

“Looks like a shitstorm,” Midge chuckled and tugged her towards the table.

“Tastiest shitstorm I’ve ever seen,” Azrael’s voice came from another corner of the hall.

The Lady sighed in defeat. “That should show me to trust a bunch of mischievous and hungry bears to do my job for me.”

Ithilion and Morwen looked at each other for a moment, nodding. “You didn’t happen to tell them to have fun, did you?" Lith inquired with a smirk. "You know they don’t quite understand sarcasm.”

She sighed again, “guess I should have known better.”

“Well...” A familiar voice floated from behind her, and she turned around just to see the Sithlady scooping up a handful of mashed potatoes that had fallen to the floor, “who says WE can’t have fun?”

With a wicked smirk, she whirled about to smash the potatoes into the face of her very own Sithlord, giggling hard as he sputtered and wiped the spuds from his eyes.

He wasn’t one to get mad though. He got even. LSD watched as he spied the remnants of a cake nearby, which quickly ended up in his Lady’s face using the Force.

Alison and farthingale were already back to back in the middle of the room, on the table, chucking yams at passers-by. One of them hit Dirty’n’Evil right in the chest. He grinned evilly, as only he can, and whipped the armful of buttertarts he had been carrying at the girls in rapid succession. Farthingale deflected much of the attack with quick pirouettes and her rapier, and even managed to kick one into the face of JVDifferent, who was thrashing about gleefully in a veritable pool of Jell-o at the time.

LSD decided to jump in. It looked fun! And well, if the bears can play, why not them?

She dove into the mix, tossing creampuffs at Lilianna, who was innocently passing through.

“Hey! What was that fo-” She couldn’t finish the thought, because from the other side, Teacher and Tenjen were filling balloons with Baileys and throwing them about, one of which had hit Lil in the arm.

LSD couldn’t respond, since at the same time, she was pelted in the back with blueberries, which Thaldin had fashioned a gun for.

“Grrrh!” She leapt aside and attempted to tackle him, but slipped in a puddle of whipped cream.

Thaldin couldn’t laugh for long, because he wound up slipping too.

That might have been a good thing, as a whirring sound passed above them shortly after, and Radbaron could be heard laughing as peas rained down from a net attached to the bottom of his plane.

Sway had popped out a pink and black striped umbrella and was pushing her sunglasses up her wrinkled nose, “I can’t believe he just PEA’d on us!”

The whole of the cave fell silent for a moment.

Fen was in mid-throw, but her ammunition fell to her feet, where she was soon to land in a fit of giggles.

Everybody followed suit, filling the Cave with laughter, shaking the stalactites to an alarming degree.

It was good to be home.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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Don Alexander wrote:CELEBRATING ONE YEAR ON THE FORUM AND 8000 POSTS! :ymparty:

So, I actually had something else planned, but that will take some time to prepare... But recent happy circumstances gave me an idea!! This is still from the same story arc as my last one, the one that started with the "McLovecraft's" fic.

Kristy, this one's for you!!! Welcome back!!! :ymhug: ;;)

Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction

Part XXXIII: McLovecraft's - Now Hiring!!

Wuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

The little platypus stretched luxuriously, then paddled around in its lagoon a bit at the foot of the dread Phoenix Keep in the depths of the Elder Cave. She felt refreshed and rested.

Which was not a good sign!

Time to get to work, she thought, and morphed into her human form, rushing into her patented McLovecraft's uniform, only the duckbill platypus cap being reminiscent of her former aquatic form. She zoomed up the levels of the cave, finally erupting into the main cavern.

Hm, quiet here. No marauding masses in front of her restaurant demanding coffee. Maybe she was not too late yet.

As she came closer, she slowed down and her radiant smile disappeared... What the... The restaurant looked dirty, and somehow run down! There were boards in front of the windows!! :-o It had not looked like that yesterday when she had bid her assistant and Don, always the last customer, good night!

Even closer, she realized there was some life here, even if the rest of the Cave seemed deader than a doornail. There were three little... things in front of the restaurant. Some kind of... Critters?? They were chittering.

Left Critter: "You lost the bet, Daring Bob! You have to go in! Dem's da rulez!"

Right Critter: "And we aim to obey the rules!! IN!!"

"Daring Bob": "I'm really not so sure anymore! They say it's haunted and all!"

Both others: "Of course it's haunted!! Do you think losing a bet on the last piggy race would imply you have to do something easy? Be glad you did not bet on going into Teach's abode!"

Daring Bob shook a bit more. SP thought to herself that at least Teach still seemed to be around...

"Uh, guys?"

All three little critters leaped about six feet into the air, emitting high-pitched screams!!! They landed and were just about to scatter when they seemed to notice...

"Uhhhh... Who are you?"

"I'm SidewaysPlatypus! I run this place! WHAT are YOU??"

The three look at each other: "We are all little Bobs! Our race was planted hear by the great Bear and then ran wild!"

"How come we don't know you? You say you... own the haunted Slow Food place?"

"Erm, it's more like Fast Food, nothing fancy, but has all the needed caffeine, acrylamide and saturated fats for Elder Obescification - LSD-tested and approved!"

"No, slow food, If you go in there, and are two slow, you become food!!!"

"Err... I did mix some rather extravagant stuff together but..."

"I Elder Cave, restaurant eat YOU!! It's like the only place left, ever since it ate the big guy from the balcony!"

"WHAT??? My restaurant ATE DA??"

The irony was ridiculous...

The little beasts nodded, obviously realizing she was not going to eat them.

"When did that... eating happen?"

"Oh, months ago!!! They found the other guy the next day, spouting madness... After that, no one wanted to go in, it is said. We were not around then yet. But lately, the Cave has become so boooring! No danger any more of being run over by cavorting Elders on Tentaponies... Or being eaten by stealthy ninja kitteh minions. As long as we keep off the piggy race tracks and away from the cephalopod lake and Teach's abode [they all shiver], we are safe. Booooring! Anyway, the Teach is occupied by all her kitties anyways. Even the lizard queen, who sometimes gobbles us, has been rarely seen lately. And the chocolate lady is nice..."

Oh dear. She had snoozed a LONG time!!!!

She unlocked the door, and a gross stench hit her. Seems the power was off and the stuff in the freezers had thawed, mutated, preyed on itself and finally starved and rotted. Ugh. The kitchen was a total mess!!!! It looked like something had exploded out of the wall.

This was going to be a LOT of work. She set to it.

She was happy to be back. :x

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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Lilianna wrote:I know, I'm breaking a cardinal rule and double posting, but I wanted to make my fic my actual thousandth post, so I had to post it before I could post in any other topic.
So now, without further ado, after 299 days, including my long hiatus, my first Kilo-Post!
The Ten Choco-Mandments
1. Do not have any god before Cacao. Do not make any chocolate flavored idols. All chocolate must be pure and non-imitation. Because seriously, imitation chocolate is disgusting.
2. Do not take the name of Cacao in vain. Who wants to say “CACAO!” or “COUNT CHOCULA!” when they stub their toe? Just go eat some chocolate instead of cursing. I mean, jeez.
3. Remember to eat chocolate every day, but especially on the seventh day of the week. Dark, white, milk, almonds, I don’t judge. Well, unless you aren’t a follower of mine. Then I smite thee.
4. Honor thy Hershey’s and thy Reese’s. And thy Twix, and thy Godiva, and thy Dove.
5. Do not murder, even and especially in the name of Cacao. Nobody likes a religious fanatic.
6. Do not commit adultery. Sometimes you need a significant other to bring you more chocolate. However, if he/she brings you imitation, commit adultery like there’s no tomorrow.
7. Do not steal. Seriously, chocolate is like less than ten dollars, and what else could you possibly want to steal?
8. Do not lie and say your fellow person did something wrong. Karma’s a bitch. Or, um… Guess I shouldn’t say that in a holy text. Karma is… very very bad,
9. Do not check your fellow person’s significant other. I mean, they’re already buying chocolate for somebody else, they can’t buy it for you too.
10. Do not get jealous of your fellow person’s crap. Err… stuff. Things. If you want something, buy it your own self, lazy whore. Or… lazy… I got nothing.

That is all. Go forth, and evangelize! Remember, “And the Cacao said let there be milk fat and lo and behold, there was milk fat.” Not sure how that applies… but remember it!

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

JVDifferent wrote:Here's mine.

And presenting... my first kilo-post fanfic. Enjoy!

############################### ### #........................
Episode One: Cry Havoc, and Let Slip the Bobs of War

"So what's the verdict?" critter claws clacked nervously as Awww eyed the battle blueprint unfurling in front of him.
"Nary a whisper on the wind nor a speck in the shadows," came the reply. Bob Tzu squinted at the blueprint and then passed over a hefty looking report to Awww's expecting claws. "Be it by choice or misfortune, your scaled menace appears to be gone." Awww perused the report carefully. It couldn't be. The Lizard Queen and her Compsognathus Clever Girl had been nuisances to the critter species for too long for them to just up and disappear without explanation. Some devious plan had to be in the works, but absolutely nothing in the report supported his suspicions. Awww closed the report, and started placing the Cave Elder figurines from his "My First Battle Plan" set onto the blueprint. If the Lizard Queen truly had disappeared, the Bobs of War were all going to argue for renewed efforts against the felines once more, and there was nothing he could do about it.

"General Awww! General Awww!" a rough, gravelly voice grated through the air. Astride a dashingly deep black cavepig, Genghis Bob burst into the war council meeting. He was panting hard, visibly exhausted from a hard, fast ride.
"What is it?!" Awww cried, and rushed over to help the bedraggled critter from his noble porcine steed.
"The Cave Elders!" coughed Genghis Bob, "They're... gone! All of them!"
"WHAT?!" Bob Tzu, Bob Solo, Bobin Hood and Bob Fawkes all exclaimed at once.
"Impossible!" came the delayed, drunken gurgle from Captain Bobbeard. General Awww helped Genghis Bob to the nearest council seat, and waited on baited breath for the warlord to catch his own.
"Is it true? Are all the Cave Elders gone?" he coaxed, getting slightly impatient.
"I had the Bob Scouts circum-navigate the Cave parameters thrice already," Genghis spluttered some more, "We even tripped the alarm to their Baileys stash. There is no way they could be present and not react to such an intrusion."

Again the Bobs of War gasped their disbelief as a singular unit. An agitated silence crackled with expectant energy. "What about the pink floral one they call... Frankie? The one that just does nothing but...consume," Bob the Great was brave enough to voice what everyone was thinking.
"I personally tripped the alarm to the bacon stash at McLovecraft's," Genghis croaked, "And... nothing." Awww blinked in surprise, and twice more for good measure. Forget the suspiciously absent Lizard Queen. Forget the rampant felines. The evidence was undeniable. If the critters were to ever rise victorious against the mighty Cave Elders, now was the time to strike.

############################### ### #........................

Where have the Cave Elders gone? Will the Bobs of War really take over the Cave? What about that poor abandoned bacon and Baileys?! You'll have to find out next time I hit 1000 posts. Same Lizard-channel, same Lizard-place.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

Teacher2B wrote:And now, for something completely different, it's...Teach's 6000 posts fanfic!!

The Elder Cave Sitcom: Part I

[Dining room. Bear and DnE are talking with T2B, who has a tiny kitty on her arms. She is wearing a knee-length skirt and a tight blue blouse which reveals a bit of cleavage]

Bear: Where do you think you are going, young lady? You are not going anywhere with such a short skirt!
DnE: And showing your breasts!
T2B: Awwwwww! Guys! Whyyyyy? [whines] I like it like that! Isn't it nice? [shows her clothes]
Xar: [meows in approval]
Bear: Those are not proper clothes. You have to set a proper example. Do you want to end like Asaryu? She used to wear those clothes all the time and now she has married that long-haired guy. A decent girl like you should not wear that. I have seen the neighbours oggling you!
T2B: Aww, Bear, don't be so cranky all the time. Relax a bit! Chris! Say, can I wear this? Pweeeezzeeeeeee? [makes her best kitty eyes]
DnE: Ack, not the kitty eyes! Gah, it's ok. You can go.
T2B: See Bear? Chris said I could! [makes kitty eyes at Bear too]
Bear: But...blarh...okay [sighs], but leave that kitty at home!
T2B: No! He is my pet and he likes being with me! [cuddles tight]
Bear: But you take him everywhere! You even have that kitty with you when you have the bubble baths!
T2B: He likes playing with… the bubbles! Isn't that true kitty?
Xar: Mew! [makes innocent kitty face]
T2B: See? He says I'm right...Who's mommy's pwetty widdle kitty? [scritches Xar's ears]
Xar: Mew! Puuurrrrr...[purrs happily and sticks out tongue at Bear]
Bear: Blarh...you can take him. [shrugs] And what about your other pet, Angel?
T2B: She comes and goes. I am not sure where she is now... [pouts]
DnE: No, don't pout [hugs]. We want our lil sis smiling. Isn't that true, Bear? [looks at Bear]
Bear: Sure! Okay, hun. Who are you going with? I hope not with that Azrael, what with that motorcycle and full of tatoos! And an anarchist to top it!
DnE: Or with that Atherakia! With that long hair! And listening to that awful rock and roll music! [rolls eyes]
Bear: Or ExplodingJoe! He drinks all the time! [shakes head] Really, those friends of yours!
T2B: Nooo... I am only going with Pepper and SidewaysPlatypus. And you know SP is engaged! We will be very good [crosses fingers behind her back] … And Xar will take care of me, right? [pets Xar and puts an innocent face]
Xar: Miau! [adopts a defensive posture in T2B's arms]
Bear: [rolls eyes]
DnE: Dear, those rocker friends of yours are no good. You are a decent girl...You should date our neighbour, that Engy. He is a decent guy and is studying to be an engineer. He will have a steady job in the industry. He is a good boy for you.
T2B: What the hell, Chris? Are you crazy? He wants to hit me with the wrench every time he sees me! And he doesn't like hugs!
Xar: [hisses]
Bear: Mind that language, young lady! Where did you learn that? [frowns and shakes hammer at T2B]
DnE: Shush Bear...calm down. [turns to T2B] It's okay honey, don't get angry before going out. Your face will freeze like that! [makes a weird face]
T2B: [smiles]
DnE: There, there. We like you smiling. We worry about you, you know? [smiles fatherly-like]
T2B: Yes, I know [smiles]...But now I have to go!
DnE: Go, go. But first you must kiss your grandparents goodbye. And don't forget your brothers either!
T2B: I won't! [heads to the dining room]

[In the dining room, DA is sitting on a table, with a bowl of oatmeal in front of him. He is rambling as usual. Next to him is his much younger wife CS, who is trying to make him eat. T2B heads towards them and kisses CS on the cheek]

T2B: Bye granny! [hugs]
CS: Good night, dear. [hugs back] Are you taking your nice coat? It may get cold later.
T2B: Yes gran, I have it here. [shows the coat she has on her arm]
CS: Good. I don't want you catching a cold. Especially because tomorrow all the family is coming for lunch.
T2B: Oh, yes...Don't remind me of that.
[moves a bit and bends forward to kiss and hug DA]
Bye grandpa!
DA: [grumbles] Such a disgrace! Another shame for the family! In my times girls did not wear such short clothing! They wore long skirts and tight corsets! I remember once my elder sister fainted because of the pressure!
T2B: [rolls eyes] Not again...!
Xar: [yamns]
DA: ...but then when the Great War came and we had to go and fight and then women became degenerated! Wearing short dresses, and smoking, driving cars...
T2B: [sighs in desperation] Okay grandpa, I will listen to you another time. Now eat your oatmeal! I have to go! [kisses DA's forehead]
DA: Harumph! Such disrespect! When I was in the trenches...
CS: Shush dear. Now eat your oatmeal. [gives a spoonful of oatmeal to DA]
[to T2B]

Don’t worry dear. He is always like that when he is constipated. [pats his head]
DA: [mumbles as he eats his oatmeal]
T2B: Bye! [waves as she goes back to the dining room]

[In the dining room, T2B goes to kiss and hug DnE and Bear before leaving]

Bear: Bye, hun. Behave properly and have fun. [smooch]
T2B: I will be good. [innocent face]
DnE: Enjoy and have fun with your friends. [smooch]
[turns to Xar]
And I trust you to take care of my little sister. [puts a comic stern face]
Bear: [rolls eyes]
Xar: Miau miau! [straightens himself in T2B's arms]
DnE: Good kitty! [pet pets]
Xar: [purrs]
T2B: Time to go now! Bye! [flees to the door waving her hand]
Bear: And I want you at home by midnight!!
T2B: Okay! [closes the door]
[to Xar] I must get girlfriends for those two!
Xar: Mew!

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

And now for an Epic Bear-mod written saga... In four parts.
The Return of the Mod

Part one:
The Taming of the Bobs.


*The peels of the deafening yawn finished ringing out over the Elder Cave. The reverberations of which shaking the very foundations of the Cave-iverse and causing small rockslides in the less stable parts of the Elder Mountain. The happy grunting of the Cave-Piggies in their pens fell silent as they turned to look up as one at that solitary door, even the surviving Critters of Critterville paused in their critterings at the ominous sounds of the waking Bear-Mod.

He’d been asleep too long, dust cascaded from the blankets covering the inner Quilt Cave that lay deep behind the doors of the Fortress of Hibernation as heavy paws thudded on the solid ground of the cave floor. A grumble rumbled from the great Bear as his footfalls lay prints in the thick dust that had built up while he slumbered. Stretching, another thunderous yawn echoed out from behind the heavy doors, shivering loose more cascades of the dust of time, sending the weaker stalactites to break off and plummet to the cave floor and into the depths of the Cephalopod Lake. Reaching for The Mug of Overlords, Bears face turned in disgust as the leftover tea has grown into a large mould culture, that had subsequently developed into a divergent intelligence, before committing a civil war with itself before it finally died off. The blue and green moulds a more distinctive patch in the dusty debris that covered every surface of his private domain. This wasn’t right. If his own domain had become like this, he hated to think what the further reaches had become like…

Pacing from his sleeping place, he approached the diorama of the cave the lay upon its great table. Even that map of the Cave-iverse that lay upon the table was covered in dust, and litter with playing pieces from Aww’s ‘My First Cave Domination’ set. He sighed deeply, sweeping the board model with a swipe of his paw, waiting for a few moments for the dust to settle before uttering…* Show me… The Cave-iverse.

*The board juddered as the pieces representing the various cave inhabitants grinded into place, the air over it shimmering as true colour flooded into the model, cloaking the representation of the cave and its events in the reflection of what was happening outside. The model, as affected by the morphic resonance of the cave as the cave was effected by the resonance of its inhabitants, shifted and changed, new parts growing as others shrank until it became the true representation of its state.

It wasn’t a happy scene that greeted him. New neighbouring states had arose on the outskirts of the Elder Plains, the track ways across the Newbie plains heavy, but with few venturing towards the Elder mountain that hadn’t the accompanying prints of an elder beside them. The Elder Plains themselves around the great mountains had grown wild and unkempt. Rampant thread beasts had trod their ways over the established order and left their marks scaring the landscape. Even the neighbouring Mount Baileys seemed eerily derelict as its glassy slopes had started to turn green with rooting plant life…

The cave itself wasn’t fairing much better… The Guardian Fort at the doorway had seemed to become an unofficial snoozing spot for lazy Kodiaks and was covered in pink, flowery graffiti. The pathways into the depths of the cave had become as dusty as his homestead… even Mc-Lovecrafts had been boarded up and was falling into dis-repair, despite it seemed there had been some recent attempts to try and clear it up. The sign of the Ban-hammered Barrel had fallen from its chains and the BBQ Bacon Bar looked more like a refugee camp for hiding critters, scavenging for bacon scraps. The Piggy Race-track looked in an even worse state, with thick tumbleweeds having rooted into flourishing mini-eco-systems… Even the waters of the Bubbliebaff and Cephalopod Lake had become murky where once they were crystal clear…This would never do. Too much had changed and gone wrong, his Kodiak brethren had become lazy, while the critters had run out of control before being turned upon. This would not do indeed.

A scuffling noise from the cave door attracted his attention as the tiny figure of Aww appeared from under it, having squeezed through a worn gap.*

Aww Critter… *The Beary ones voice thundered, causing the tiny critter to leap into the air despite having come to investigate the ursine rumblings.* You critters have a lot of work and a lot of explaining to do. Go now, and fetch me The Bob-Father. The original one who was responsible for your breed. GO NOW!

*Aww squeaked in terror and ran as fast as his teeny legs would carry him. There was only one person that could be called The Bob-Father. The original and first Bob who’d been brought here to power the great machine the powered the Elder Cave. He wouldn’t like being disturbed. Even the first one had become lazy of late, the cave not drawing as much power as it once did, Bob had become overweight from snacking too heavily on the dry-roasted peanuts he was paid in.

Weaving his way through the musty halls of the inner spire, eventually Aww came to the power room, his little claws scrabbling for purchase as he pulled himself up onto the platform that held the Ball of Wonder, that great artifact that leant its power to the Caves engines. Reclining back on his oversized rump, the original Bob looked more like a mini-Frankie, except for the pink, then the skinny, be-goggled critter he’d once been. It took some effort from the tiny Aww to help him to his paws, then to scamper through the caves back up to the Fortress to be confronted.*

Bob Critter. You and your kind have become lazy, and gone against the ways of the Elder Cave and its near ancient law. As the first, you are responsible for your legacy of the other Bobs. Hence, you shall lead the Critters in their work as part of the Great Replanning. You have much to do Bob. You and your kind must become useful again….

*It was some time later after the long and arduous meeting with the Beary-One that Bob sat back at the head of the long table in the power room, the various other surviving Bob from the great massacre looking nervous and twitching their whiskers as Bob explain to them what was to happen.*

Run that by me again… *Genghis Bob spoke up, the original Bob explaining once more what they were to do.* He wants us to do what? *One more time Bob explained, the critters sitting back in stunned silence, even Captain Bobbeard shocked into sobriety by the news… *

Hell, you’d better smother me in bacon sauce and feed me to the kitties now rather then us do that. They’re not going to like it, they’re not going to like it one bit…

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

Bear wrote:The Return of the Mod.

Part Two: WTF??! aka, The Grand Camping Trip.


*It was past midnight, maybe more like 3am, and all through the cave, not a creature was stirring, except for a mouse… erm Critter.* I don’t get this…
Shhh.. Keep your voice down, we don’t want to wake them.
Okay sorry. I still don’t get this though… We go to the Elders residences and leave these notes?
*Aww sighed and looked at Bobbin Hood with a weary gaze, why oh why did he have to get lumbered with the green hooded critter to do this?* Look for the last time its simple… it’s like stealing, but in reverse. Ok?
Stealing but in reverse… So I’m not allowed to threaten to shoot them either?
No.
Or steal their shoelaces?
No! What.. ? Why would you want their shoelaces?
Bear said I’m not allowed any bow-strings unless I earn my own.
*Sometimes Aww wished he had bigger paws, simply because face-paw didn’t have the same effect at that size.* Just keep quiet and lets get on with it. We’ve got to scarper and meet up with the others to hide before everyone starts waking up.
They’re not going to like this are they? *Asked Bobbin, reading the critterese translation.*
No.
Then it is like stealing!
Shut up already!

*Some time later the critters met up after their nightly excursions. Captain Bobbeard looked decidedly waterlogged and was ringing out his beard after being volunteered to go and deliver Asaryu’s note, while Bob the Great was picking dinosaur teeth out of his armour.* Everyone deliver their notes?
*The assembled critters and Bob’s nodded, some covered in flour, others with singed fur, the ones who’d been to Teach’s room looking positively wide-eyed and disturbed and vowing never to go near any sort of paddle again. The red shirts of the Critterprise looking decidedly murderous at Bob T. Critter as they’d decided that it wasn’t a dangerous mission to Radbaron’s hanger and that leaving them behind to get home early, wasn’t a good excuse for them being expendable.* I’ll take that as a yes. We’d better go hide before everything kicks off.

*Meanwhile the Kodiaks were getting drilled and put through their final preparations for their part of the plan. Bear paced back and forth in front of the lined up Kodiak Guard, tutting at how a lot of them were starting to get towards Frankie’s size..* Okay… its quite simple, in a few hours everyone will be waking up, and that’s when you start doing your assigned tasks. Don’t take no for an answer and anything that can be gotten on with already, get on with it! Frankie, you go off ahead already to start setting up. No, you can’t take all the other Kodiaks with you, they’re needed here.
Now… get to work everyone. Operation Fire Sale is under way!
*The Kodiaks clumped their paws together and saluted, bounding away to their assigned jobs. Bear went back into the depths of his Fortress of Hibernation and gazed over the plans he’d laid out one more time. The Elders may not like it, but it needed to be done. At least it would all be for a good cause when it was over finally…

The cave was stirred early from its nightly sleep by the sounds of muffled grumbles and Kodiak swearing, followed by the sounds of hammering and sawing… The first thing the Elders would notice was the conveniently placed critter delivered notes marked ‘READ THIS NOW’. The second thing upon rubbing the sleep from their eyes and having read the note would be the combined shout of ‘What the hell?’ From all the other residences throughout the cave. The critters were glad that they’d barricaded themselves in the power room at this time, having seen the notes already they’d been dreading this hour.

The notes read: “ You are hereby evicted from your residence and the Elder Cave until further notice. This message will be followed by the Imperial Guard Kodiaks.

Have a nice day.

Bear-Mod.”

They were genuine and marked with the seal of Bear-jolner. Bear wasn’t kidding, this was made evident as various residences throughout the cave had their doors heavily knocked upon by the Kodiak guard Bears carrying cardboard boxes.*

This is an outrage! What is the meaning of this?! *Screamed Teach as her bed was carried outside by the Kodiaks, it was obvious what the meaning was as soon as the Elders decided to look outside their rooms. Already the Kodiak Construction Crew was busy nailing boards over the bar and bacon bar, McLovecrafts had been sealed up again with hazard tape… Even the Cephalopods weren’t being given a chance as they were scooped up into giant plastic fish bags and wheeled out of the cave entrance. The KGB hadn’t even given Midgetshrimp the chance to pack and had simply hauled his ship from the water onto a big wheeled chassis and were currently dragging that away too out of the cave… Asaryu didn’t have much chance to protest either as already an industrial pump had been hooked up to the Bubbliebaff and was draining it away.*
But where will we go? I’ve no-where else to keep my stuff! *Complained Dirty n Evil as the Kodiaks lumped the boxes of his stuff into a cart, pointing to the label on the side of the boxes.*
Temporary Elder Housing Project, The Camp Site, Elder Plains. The hell?

*The last sight the Elders would see of the cave and the Elder Mountain was scaffolding being put up and being covered with heavy tarpaulin as they, if they protested, were carried away with their stuff and led down the mountain path to a clearing in one of the lower forests by the river where the boxes of their things had been piled up, and Midgets ship crammed carefully into a large pond at the bend. There was also a pile of camping gear and a stack of supply crate boxes next to which sat Frankie, who looked rather sheepish and was holding another note.

There was a heavy thud from behind the rapidly rising tarpaulin covered scaffolding that was blotting out the Elder Mountain and its neighbour Mount Baileys as the cave doors slammed shut indefinitely. Behind them Bear breathed out a deep sigh of relief, finally emerging from his sanctum cave, looking down over the now deserted expanse of his domain.* Now that they are gone… To work.
*He looked down as Foreman Bob from the Critter Construction Crew came padding over, looking up expectedly.* Yes, you can go and deliver it now.
*Bear reached down, handing him a box shaped device, watching as the critter scampered away, swaying under the weight of the device…

Meanwhile, back at the clearing…* Just what the hell is going on here Frankie?
*The Elders all demanded of the giant pink bear at once. Frankie held up the note in explanation, only to have it snatched from him and read out.*

“Dear Elders, by now your temporary accommodation should have been erected already. *They turned as a group to look at the pile of tents, then back at Frankie who blamed a lack of technical skills for not building them yet.* This area will be your residence for the foreseeable future. All attempts at returning to the cave uninvited shall result in the wrath of Bear-jolnir. Entertainment has been provided in the supplies, as has food which Frankie has been left in charge of… *They didn’t even need to turn to look at him again as the hefty burp from the bear announced what they already feared.*

Sorry for the inconvenience, Have a nice camping trip.

Bear. “

*The Elders all looked at each other in stunned silence, the note being handed back and forth between them so they could read it for themselves.*
Great.. So we’ve been evicted before I even had chance to cook breakfast, we’ve got no-where to live until we can build this, and no food out here… Just what the bloody hell are we meant to do for food?! Damnit Frankie! *LSD waved her spoon at him…
Before they had the chance to turn on the pink furred one, one of the thread beasts from the plains, smelling the newcomers rampaged into the clearing. A twisted and malformed thing, looking bigger then it should and out of place in the environment… It charged towards the assembled Elders… but even before Don could find the batteries for his lightsaber, being a shortlived thread-beast is keeled over dead from lake of being fed just meters away and slid to the Elders feet. DnE prodded it with his hockey stick.*
You think its edible?
*It was at this moment, having taken advantage of the situation that Foreman Bob scampered into the clearing, lugging the device on his back. He scurried up to Asaryu, tapping her on one of her tentacles, before dropping the box and running screaming like mad before he could be grabbed.*
What’s that thing? *JVD asked, licking it with her tongue.*
I don’t know…. *Asaryu bent down, picking it up and reading the writing that was scrawled onto the big red button on its front.* “Do not press under any circumstances?”, You think I’m going to let some damned critter that Bear sent tell me what to do? I’m going back to the cave right now! *She moved to press the button…
…At that moment, the other Elders would probably notice the wires leading from the box, all the way back up to the mountain…* Asaryu! NO!
*The combined force of Elders leapt a moment too late as the Tentacoo goddess pressed the button, her form born to the floor just in time as a loud boom, then a rumble sounded from the direct of the cave… a cloud of dust and debris swept down towards the forest, billowing outwards as the shockwave of the explosion carried it along. The shocked Elders stared up from the ground as the Dust from the Elder Mountain floated away…
The silence was broken as Engy piped up from beside the body of the thread beast..*

So who’s for a flame grilled le.. ar.. win… erm.. Extremity?

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

The Return of the Mod

Part Three: Follow the Baileys Brick Road.


“Its day… erm… Many, on Big Elder, and Tenjen has just finished rebuilding his house of twigs for the fourth time, only to have it crushed once more by Dirty and Evil diving to make the save on the volleyball courts.”

*The heavily accented critter announcer commentated on the action from the camp, the viewing platform the critters had built stocked to capacity as they took bets on who’d get thrown back into the camp next. There had already been an escape attempt back to the cave this morning led by Engy, but even his patented pain dispenser didn’t quite match up to the mauling capacity of bored Kodiak Guards who’d been hiding in the bushes to stop anyone going near the massive tarpaulin dome that covered where the Elder Cave had been. The arc of his descent into the pond after being thrown back into camp had been universally acclaimed a 9.0 by the critter judges.
Despite the random escape, the Elders had settled into the relocation camp pretty well…. Don, after discovering he was afraid of Grounds had built his ‘Balcony Tent’ in the tallest tree, Midgetshrimp hadn’t even realised that his entire ship had been moved until two days later when Asaryu finally got off of him after working out her angries. JVD had been having fun chasing after the smaller thread beasts and LSD had discovered an entire new range of recipes she was writing in her new cookbook ‘100 and 1 recipes for random plains creatures’. Even SidewaysPlatypus was enjoying the little break in the river by the camp.*

And that makes the score 21 to nothing! Team Teach wins again! *There was general cheering and mesmerisation by bouncing as the combined forces of half the Elders had failed to beat Teach by herself at Volleyball again.*
Come on, that’s not fair.. We were interfered with! *Complained DnE, picking bits of former house from his armour.*
That’s not my problem, you’re the one who kept claiming you could beat me at any sport.
I meant a real sport, like head-paw!
You know we banned the Kodiaks from playing that.
Well can’t we at least reuse the nets for a hockey field?
No!
“There will now be a nude catfight on the volleyball field.”
Quiet you! *The announcer critter was felled by a welled aimed spike shot from Teach.*

*It was at this point that a small party of critters trotted down the path through the trees that led back up to the Elder Cave. They looked official and were led by Union Bob who was nervously twiddling his bowler hat between his paws.* Can’t we just leave them a note and run for it?
No, you heard what Bob said, and he got his orders from Bear. We have to do it this way.
Even the song and dance?
Even the song and dance…
What’s this about Bear and a song and dance? What’s going on?
*The critters jumped and looked up nervously as the little scene of the critters started to attract over all the other Elders towards the group on the volleyball court.*
Erm.. Well… he asked us to come deliver you a message but erm… please don’t make us do the dance… please?!?!
What dance?
*The critters all looked down at their paws, shuffling them nervously.* Do we have to?
Yes.
But we can just give you the message without it.
DO THE DANCE! *It was clear that all this time living out in the tents hadn’t helped the Elders patience with wanting to know what was going on, and that the critters weren’t going to get away without doing the dance.*
I told you we shouldn’t have mentioned the dance…
Dooo iiitttt! *Cyanide Angel tried to look threatening, shaking her tiny fist at them.*
Fine then…. *Union Bob coughed, backing away a little with the other critters.*

“Wwweeeeee….. Represent the Critter Union Guild, The Critter Union Guild…
*The critters all sang in high pitched tuned, bobbing and weaving about, all but one of them out of time with the lyrics.*
We Represent the Critter Union Guuiiiillldd….
Your all hereby evicted back to the cave.”
*Most of the Elders stood blinking in disbelief, looking down at the though rally embarrassed looking group.*
Hold on a minute, but we blew up…
You blew up Asaryu…
Okay Fine… I blew up the cave. How can we go back?
But you must go back and seek an audience with the Great Boss… umm Bear. He told us to come and collect you.
The caves gone though, how can we get back?
Umm… there’s another song.
*There was a combined groan.* Just tell us.
Well you follow the Baileys Brick Road.
The What?
The Baileys Brick Road.
We do what?
Follow the Baileys Brick Road… Follow the baileys brick road. Follow, follow….
If you break into song, I’ll ram my spoon so far down your throat…
Okay sorry… better follow us.
What about our stuff?
Bear said he’d send the Kodiaks to come collect it. *It was true, they were already on their way down the path with a set of carts.*
Okay fine then, we’ll follow you. But no singing….

*It wasn’t long before the party did indeed find themselves on the Baileys Brick Road. A wide stretch of blocks, made from black glass that stretched all the way back to that tarpaulin dome. On the way, the group flatly refusing the help a critter who’d become rusted within a set of armour he’d made out of old tin cans, and another saying he wanted brains… but having been stained green somehow was quickly ran away from after JVD screamed ZOMBIE CRITTER! They did however stop to pick up a small black cephalopod who’s bag must have fallen from one of the carts who was quickly named ‘Bloody well not Toto’, or Noto.
After an uneventful trip where the Elders were failed to be molested by lions or tigers, they didn’t get away with the bears since they had brought Frankie back with them, the Elders arrived at the edge of the big covering dome where several Kodiaks were busily, and badly, hanging up a last minute velvet curtain.*

What’s going on here? *Asked JVD, looking up at the curtain and wondering what it tasted like after days of eating thread beasts.
The Kodiaks rumbled in reply.* We’re setting up for the big unveiling ceremony.
What big unveiling ceremony?
The one that’s happening here when the elders arrive.
But, we’re here already.
Well then the ceremony should be happening.
But its not.
Well you can’t be The Elders then as the ceremony is meant to happen when they get here.
Um.. Hello, we are here….
Okay… okay.. Stop before we go through all of that again. *Zgwortz butted in.* Can’t we just go through the curtains?
Not until after the ceremony.
But the ceremony isn’t ready.
Then you can’t go through them.
*The Elders sighed in exasperation.* So what’s meant to happen at this ceremony then? *Asked Thaldin*
Well.. The foreman comes down, stands behind that little podium there, makes a three hour speech, then pulls that rope there and its over.
What.. This rope here?
Yeah that one.
So after this ropes pulled we can go through the curtains?
Yeah… After the speech and that’s pulled and… Hey don’t do that! *Thaldin pulled the rope.*

*At this point there was a the start of a deep rumbling, and the sound of metal grinding against metal… a breeze started up from above, blowing down on the group as the tarpaulin dome started to billow and fold down…* Oh bugger…. I’d move back if I was you.
*The Kodiaks loped back out of the way to hide in the forest, the tarpaulin starting to come down at a tremendous rate, driving up a strong wind and a cloud of dust. The Elders decided it was probably a good time to hide too and made a dive for it into the undergrowth.

Some moments later, when the dust and the rumbling had cleared, and it seemed safe to poke their heads out, branches and twigs sticking out here and there, they’d see the dome folded down into a giant circle, the view it had been obscuring coming into focus through the last lingering wisps of dust…
And there is was… The Elder Mountain! And yet, I wasn’t the Elder Mountain. It seemed bigger, and to loom more… From its top a crater seemed to billow white grey smoke into the air like a volcano, yet pristine white snow covered the upper slopes that led down into lusher, darker forests. Beside the Elder Mountain, Mount Baileys still stood yet seemed to be a lot smaller and was spouting smoke of it own. What looked like a rail track led from about halfway up its slopes and then was hidden out of view as it disappear behind the Elder Mountain. It may not be entirely clear what was going on yet, but clearly someone had been doing a lot of rebuilding work.
In the distance they’d be able to make out the misty cascade of a waterfall coming from the side of the mountain that seemed to smoke and steam itself, the river flowing from it curving around, flowing through the forests and then under a bridge that the Baileys Brick Road crossed over, and then on to the foot of the mountain… It seemed that the journey wasn’t quite over yet.*

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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Bear wrote:And now, finally... Part four!

OMG! He Let the critters build a theme park!

*The Baileys Brick Road was level and easygoing underfoot as the Elder party drew closer to the mountain. As they got closer they’d be able to pick out more and more details of the rebuilt mountain… Mount Baileys had indeed shrunk, and it seemed that the train track leading between it and the mountain were pulled y some sort of chain system. The waterfall was indeed steaming as it was pouring hot water out of the side of the Elder Mountain, the shores of the river seemed to be made from black sand, which they all suspected was probably grounded down Baileys glass given how Mount Baileys had shrunk so much. Further downstream, it looked like the Kodiaks were taking advantage of the hot waters with an unofficial bear spar and were generally loafing about.
Closer still, looking up through the clouds of steam, they’d see that hidden in the misty air, and attached by a long chain that disappeared into a deep crevice near the top of the mounting, Radbarons floating hanger had survived the explosion, and now had quite a nice view over the mountains and the Elder Plains.
Eventually the road came to the bridge, and beyond that it was only a short jaunt up the path and to the entrance to the cave. Tenjen went scampering on ahead, only to be clocked over the head as a black and yellow barrier beam dropped down out of one of the ornate black glass bridge uprights, stunning the lynx kitty.*
NONE SHALL PASS! *Boomed a voice out of no-where.*
Wstfgl?! *Babbled Tenjen as he staggered back to the group.* What’s that?
I said.. *A hidden door opened on the bridge support, a grey furred and robed critter tottering out onto the barrier. He coughed loudly, clearing his throat.*
NONE SHALL PASS! They who shall cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, or ne’er the other side shall they see!
Bridge of Death? *Ithilion perked up*
Well… Bridge of really not much peril at all, but that didn’t sound as impressive.
And you’re the keeper of the bridge?
Yes.
And you think this is a good job?
Yes.
Right off you go, you’ve answered the three questions.
Thanks! I was wanting to get off on my lunch break and…. Hey wait a minute! I’m meant to ask you the questions, not the other way around!
Well what’s stopping us from just crossing?
The forum trolls we keep locked up under the bridge. *Everyone leaned over the edge of the bridge, looking down to see a cage full of l337 speaking, 4chan poster waving sub creatures. They all shuddered and pulled back.*
*Don sighed.* Fine bridge keeper, ask me your questions I am not afraid.
What is your name?
Don Alexander of Sith.
What is your quest?
To get back inside The Elder Cave.
What, is the airspeed velocity of an unladend critter?
Terminal or straight line?
You what?
Lets find out… *Don force-zapped the bridge keeper critter, sending him flying over the parapet of the bridge and down at high speed.*
Iiiii… regreettt… nootttt…. Smitiiinnngggg…. Yooouu… fiirrsssttt! *Splooosh! He landed in the water below. At this point, more critter appeared, detaching the barrier and using it to poke over the edge of the bridge.*
Great.. Now we’ve got to fish him out again.
*A cephalopod tentacle reached out of the water, snagging the unsuspecting critter and dragging him under the water.* Great… now we’re going to need a bigger pole.

*The Elders passed by the scene, and carried on over the bridge. Almost at the cave now, it was clear that what had once been the familiar rock formation of the great bears head that had held the cave door, now it was… Well, to put it simply… the bunker fort had had a major upgrade.
The great doors of the cave were now replaced by a huge slab of metal and hydraulics set into the door keeps mouth. Guard Kodiaks peeked out from the eyes and over the crenulations that topped the paws that now flanked either side of the entranceway.*
Erm… do you think I still get to live here? *Ask Dirty n Evil. This question being quickly answered by the sound of the cat-flap swinging open as Union Bob and the other critters that had travelled with them scampered off.*
Hey wait! How do we get in?!
Do you think there’s a doorbell?
Well we can’t all fit through the cat-flap that’s for sure. *A point corrected as Xarlaxas tried to get through, only to be thrown out again by a bunch of burley critters.*
We’d better try knocking *Suggested Teach, as she stepped up to the door, giving it a few hefty whaps with her paddle.
A little door slid open at about eye level, a red furred critter stick his head out.* Can’t you read the sign?
What sign?
Why that sign right… *The critter turned to look to the left, seeing the empty hook where the sign should be, grumbling a moment and disappearing back inside, appearing a few moments later and hanging a sign on the hook before disappearing back inside, closing the door behind him.*
Hey wait!
What does the sign say?
Door too thick to hear knocks through, please ring bell for attention.
But didn’t we just knock… and we knocked because there isn’t a bell…
Stupid critter not realising… *Teach knocked again. The hatch popped open.*
Can’t you read?!
But there isn’t a bell.
Yes there is, its right there beneath… *He looked down to where a couple of wire hung forlornly where the bell should have been attached.* Damnit… Okay, what do you want?
We want to get into the cave and see Bear!
Bear? But no-body sees Bear.. Even I have never seen Bear! *Another critter appeared and tapped the firs ton the shoulder, mumbling into his ear.* Ohh… the big guy, with the fur and the hammer? Of course you can go and see him.
Thank you! So can you open the door now please?
Have you got an appointment?
Oh this is too much! *The shout came from Asaryu, who smartly stepped forward, a barbed tentacle pushed pointedly under the critters chin. He tried not to gulp.*
Well why didn’t you say you had a pass? *He said croakily, staring cross-eyed at the barb as he frantically waved his paw into the darkness. There was a clunk, then a hiss as steam seeped out from around the edges of the door. In the moment of confusion the critter disappeared back inside, slamming his little hatch as the hydraulics pulled back bars and pins, the doors opening with an ominous groan, thudding back to reveal beyond… A single shaft of light illuminating a podium.

The Elders crept forward, not sure what to expect after everything else they’d been through. Edging up to the podium, they’d see there was a very familiar looking box shaped device sat on top of it. Asaryu stepped forward, reading the writing on it.* Please do press…. Oh no, I’m not falling for that this time, I’m just going to leave it right here and…
‘BEEP!’
*The Elders all turned around slowly to look at the podium… Frankie had pressed the button.* Oh no… run!
*Before anyone could a half dozen search lights flashed on, dazzling the group. Somewhere music crackled into existence and started playing a suspiciously upbeat tune…* Da, dah dah, dah dah dah da de da dah!
Ladies and Gentlemen, critters and Kodiaks of all ages! Elders young and geriatric… *Aww’s voice boomed over a loudspeaker.* We, the critters of the Elder Cave would like to present to you… Critter World!
*The light went up and changed to a myriad of colours, the music kept playing as overhead, an previously unseen track way went a train of screaming critters by on a rollercoaster ride.. Curtains went up and critter sized funfair booths appeared selling candy floss and with ‘dunk the critter games’…*
OH MY GOD! He let them build a theme park!
*Before everyone could panic the music cut out, and familiar heavy paw falls echoed from beyond the lighted circle they were trapped in.* Aww Critter! I told you.. Your not allowed to scare or confuse the Elders until Halloween. *There were general squeaks of terror as the other critters scampered, dragging their amusements with them.
A moment later a huge paw pushed aside the curtain, the huge figure of Bear stepping forward.* Sorry about that, they’re having a hard time adjusting to having to behave themselves.
*There was a moment of silence before everyone burst out talking all at once, demanding to know just what the hell all of this had been about and what had been going on.*
If you’ll just quieten down and allow me to explain… I present to you… *He swept back his paw, pulling down the curtains that were blocking the view.* The Elder Cave!

*The curtains pulled away, the lights no longer blinding them. The Elders blinked their eyes for a few moments as they looked out too and over… It was the Elder Cave, but everything was shiny and new. Everything was still there that the loved and remembered, but now it was something of a steam punk, medieval-industrial dream.
All the steam and hot water was explained in almost an instant as behind the centre spire sat a industrial complex of pipes and chains and gadgetry and machinery. The track from the outside was explained as it seemed the baileys glass came in for processing and to be made into things, as the empty bottles were fed out as well to keep Mount Baileys going. The heat from the processes was then used to heat the boilers, which provided the steam power to run the various new contraptions about the place, taking in snowmelt from the top of the mountain for the water, then feeding out the excess to stream into the Bubbliebaff and the river, the steam power also seeming to fuel a refrigeration plant that went up to the top of the mountain to cool the steam into snow again to keep the process in one great, self recycling loop. Most of the materials for the remodelled cave must have been made in the plant, as well as for the Baileys Brick road, as now most structures were built from glittering black glass.
From where they were, just inside the cave entrance, they all stood on an overhang of the rock that gave a perfect view of everything below and beyond, the glass brick road continuing down in a curving sweep that came to something of a market square. McLovecrafts stood on one side of the square, tall and disturbingly twisted as ever, the other side leading down to The Ban-hammered Barrel Bar and BBQ Bacon Bar, which in turn lead down to the shore of the Bubbliebaff, and the onto the Cephalopod Lake. Beyond again was the great Innercave Sea which now held a properly managed harbour with its own little pirate bar and ‘Feed the Cephalopods’ bay.
The Geriatric Balcony was still here, though grander and more plush and with a much better view right over the Bubbliebaff, as it seemed most of the residences within the Centre Spire looked to have been made bigger with more room from what they could see upon its multi-tiered outside. The Fortress of Hibernation was still a grim and brooding shape at the top of the spire, watching over all. But down below were new additions and changes. Critterville now seemed to be a little farming village next to the Cave-Piggy pens, critter pig-herds could be seen tending over them. Everything now had its place, just enough out of the way of everything else… it was a gleaming and modernised, yet suitably dark and gothic masterpiece that anyone would be proud to live in… There was even a garden island in the Lake now, perfectly private and guarded. It seemed no-one would go for want, and the critter were actually being useful now, cleaning and polishing the buildings, rowing out on little skiffs to feed the Cephalopods… even Captain Bobbeard seemed to have sobered up as his ship now had ‘Lifeguard’ painted on the side.*

Well, remake yourselves at home and enjoy. Hopefully everything you could possibly want or desire has been thought of…. *And with that, Bear-mod keeled over exhausted… working all this time to make everything perfect and new had really taken it out of him. He really needed to sleep again, but, he thought as several Kodiaks appeared to roll him onto a cart to take him back to his Fortress, perhaps not for so long this time…*

"The End"

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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midgetshrimp wrote:Mystery Science Kilo-Post 3000

The Voyage Awaits

Lounging comfortably in his hammock on the starboard bow of his brigantine, eyes closed to the elements and outer worries of the Cave, the High Captain Messiah gently swayed with the sea breeze. His boot heel dragged lightly on the deck, sounding oddly similar to the small waves breaking against the hull of the Crimson Spray. It was a beautiful evening, the sun hanging low in the sky, but still streaming its warm rays across his exposed upper body. Voluminous cloak, shirt, and sundries were piled next to the hammock, easily accessible if necessary. It was rare to get such an evening this late in the season, and the Captain was more than pleased with the opportunity to stay the sails and relax.
With the Reformation, his grotto had caved and crumbled, all evidence of its existence minimized to small islands of rubble here and there, not large enough to inhabit, but surely of a damaging size to an inexperienced, unknowledgeable, or unexpecting sailor. Having inhabited this sea for the better of half and a year, he was quickly able to adapt. There were fewer cephalopods, especially since his love had departed much earlier in the season, migrating to her warmer climates.
He thought of her now, as was customary, and the gentle swaying of the hammock ceased. Appearing relaxed and balanced of mind and body, he tumbled deftly from the hammock, scooping his dressings from the finished pine forecastle and rolling to his feet in one swift fluid motion. With closed eyes and a set jaw he donned his clothing. Relaxed? No, this was not right. The Captain was restless. He had paced this ship from stern to prow for days, standing at the starboard rail late into the night, waiting expectantly on the bowsprit with the dawn. His heart pulled at the sea, yearning. She had been gone too long.
Searching the masts, sails, and decks futilely for his first mate, the Captain thought to resign himself to his cabin. Boot heels struck the deck audibly as he started his way below. Suddenly, the ship lurched, prow clearing the water and crashing down again violently. Stumbling, the Captain made his way shakily back to the starboard bow, assessing possible damages and the situation on the way. There should not have been any rubble islands on his course, he was certain. The ship lurched again, threatening to throw him from its decks. Patting the foremast and whispering soothingly to it on his way by, the Captain turned and froze, now knowing the force behind turbulence. Huge tentacles were sprouting from the water, of a much greater scale than those her love sported on her casual form.
As he looked at them, they calmed and backed a short distance from the side of the boat. Two disappeared momentarily into the depths, returning with odd objects stuck to their suckers. Reaching over the rail, the Captain plucked the objects from the beastly appendages, studying them carefully before returning his gaze to the sea. He blinked, surprised. The tentacles had submerged, swift and silent, leaving naught but a few ripples to show for their presence. Shaking his head, he turned back to the objects.

The first was a cylindrical tube, an obvious enough item. It predictably held a map and a few tools. The second was a letter, waxed and waterproofed. His first glance caught his love’s signature down in the lower corner. There were coordinates in the letter, references to his Mistress’s whereabouts. He read them several times, carefully memorizing every word, every letter, every number. Then he crumpled the letter in his hand and lit it with a holy flame. Quickly taking a peek at the map, the Captain decided that time was short, and many preparations were in need. He rushed to his cabin, tossing all the baubles and trinkets from his large oak desk in a swipe, unrolling and setting the map, ready for study and use. Immediately getting to work, he dug through the tools and smiled to himself for the first time in days as he adjusted his sextant. She had been gone too long. He had waited, and now she was calling for him. His voyage about to begin… he was on his way to her.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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And now, an epic in five parts...:
Paul wrote:Part One: The Dream and the Direction

The day had come.

Songbirds warbled from the green leaf covered branches of the dense forest of trees standing straight up from the thick foliage-covered floor of the land called Mink Hollow. A warm southerly breeze kept both branches and underbrush swaying, as it brought a rich, pleasant scent. Small animals scurried about, busy in their nature’s work. A bumblebee droned lazily as it collected nectar from the few blooms dotting the floor where a constant daily stream of light was available from the clear, shimmering blue morning sky.

But it was not these the Hermit thought of as he peered out from his humble hewn-from-a small cliff living quarters, with its soft, well-cared-for woven rugs and Spartan furnishings. A writing desk made from rough cut lumber sat in one corner, with many filled journals and more empty ones carefully arranged on a makeshift shelf. In all the years he had lived there, never did he forget what day or year it was.

He had come there many years ago, living off what the forest offered to escape the many trappings of society. Everything he had done since that decision had furthered that goal of living independent of others, from carving and building his home to the months of training in different fighting styles. His inhumanly increased senses he had come by naturally; he could identify anyone by scent, or tell how many bullets were in the gun barrel simply by picking it up. His keen hearing drove him to seek isolation, for he could hear every annoying gossipy remark spoken within a room. Deep in Mink Hollow, a forest with many legends of ghost sightings and campfire monster tales, he found solitude, for no casual explorer ever tread there. The few that had he chased away with sticks, and on one occasion, his mystically powered shotgun.

But today, he knew he must return to society, after his long isolation. A dream had come to him while he slept, charging with a duty by the gods of the forumiverse: Siddeamingiz (Great Creator Giz) bid him travel to the Elder Cave to deliver The Tribute of the Thousand Scribings. Such tributes are the way of the forumiverse to preserve order. The dream also held an image which burned deep into his consciousness: the outline of a naked woman holding a broadsword aloft. But the dream gave him no more details, only bid him with the task that he must complete, or suffer the wrath of the gods.

He wrestled with the personal dilemma of going among people once again after so many years, the pros and cons waging a war within his stout heart. But his sense of duty, as well as his fear of the gods won the battle. His complete isolationist inner voice, which protested loudly against his traveling during the inner conflict, quieted down but never went away. With this decision came the resolve that he must find a way to fulfill this duty as quietly as possible. But gaining entry to the Elder Cave without fanfare was unusual at best, impossible to attain. If he had known the gods already planned a way for him, and how much it would cost him…

Taking up paper and pen, he quickly prepared the Tribute, completing it without halting. The words flowed forth freely from his pen. When finished he rolled it up between two small dowels with a short rope attached, making it like a scroll, which he hung about his shoulders. Dressing in dark hooded robes, he packed up a few supplies, his walking staff and his over-the-shoulder holstered shotgun. The gun appeared to be an ordinary Remington 870 at first glance, but closer inspection revealed the barrel bearing his family's coat of arms of lions. Unrevealed on such inspection were mystic symbols and words written in a long-dead language that only become visible with fire, much like Sauron’s Ring.

Now ready for travel, he left the only dwelling he truly called home. As he started through the forest, he heard music softly on the wafting breeze. It had been years, but never would he forget the tender melody of Bach’s “Sheep May Safely Graze.” Sampling the air with keen senses, his instincts told him there was none other about. “How could there be musicians out here?” he asked himself. “Must be the work of the gods.” He continued, thinking the music was only within his head. He never considered another route or direction. Somehow, he knew the correct way to travel, as if an implanted GPS locator device showed him the correct path. An unseen force surely guided his steps. “More work of the gods,” he told himself.

He paused again after a few more steps to look back at his cave like home. Would he ever see it again?

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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Paul wrote:Part Two: The Woman and the Laptop

Emerging from dark foliage after several days’ journey, the Hermit reached an open field with green rolling hills and white-capped mountains in the distance. White puffy clouds floated overhead, dotting shadows over the landscape. The immediate area of the field showed no signs of human contact, yet seemed freshly manicured like a well-maintained golf course.

The Hermit surveyed his new surroundings with heightened senses. The air was pure; he could detect no pollutants, nor pollen, nor any dust, but somehow the scent of the grass reached his nose. Then, not many paces away, he saw her.

The Hermit’s keen eyesight showed him all this in vivid detail over the distance: she was a young woman, early twenties, not standing, but sitting in a Starbucks-style wooden coffeehouse chair at a small round white-topped wooden restaurant table. In front of her on the bare table sat an ebony laptop of undetermined brand, a hot, fresh cup of peppermint mocha and a pair of moshpit-tested drumsticks. Behind her, an espresso machine stood tall on a small rectangular chest. Side containers holding a wealth of complements and ingredients completed the setup. She wore a white sleeveless top and white short skirt, which set off her dark skin beautifully. Black-rimmed glasses rested on her face, framed by beautiful glossy black shoulder-length tresses.

The Hermit, in his curiosity in how all this made it into an open field with not even a gum wrapper to mark human activity, approached her. The scents of the mocha, the long-dried varnish on the wood, and the young woman’s nature-given personal scent met him. “I’ve not met her before,” the Hermit remarked.

As he drew closer, he could see the small earphones in her ears as she listened to one of her favorite albums. Amazingly, the Hermit could hear the music clearly in his head, even though it did not reach his ears. Alas, he was too much of a baby boomer to recognize Year Zero by Nine Inch Nails. He noticed her furrowed brow as she stared into the laptop screen, graced with a difficult mathematical equation which she wrestled with, drawing on her expertise to solve. As he took in that detail, he noticed the dimly backlit emblem on the laptop: a naked woman holding a broadsword aloft.

She raised her head, removed the headphones and gazed directly into his eyes at his arrival. If she held any surprise at his approach, her face didn’t show it; she simply looked up in response to his presence.

The Hermit spoke first. The questions ‘Who are you? How did you get out here? How did all this get out here?’ were in the front of his mind, but he simply asked:

“What is this emblem?”
“The Temple of the Broadsword. Why do you ask?”
“I saw it in a dream.”
“You want the Pixie Witch! Now I know why the gods sent for me here,” the young woman nodded sagely. “You must go see The Duo to find her.”
“Pixie Witch?”
“That is all I know.”
“Who are you?” queried the Hermit.
“I am Danielle, but they call me bulletbrides,” replied the young woman, keeping a straight face all the while.

The Hermit leaned on his walking stick and watched her lips as she spoke. “Were I a younger man,” he mused, “I’d want to taste her succulent lips here in the open field, but likely she belongs to another.” He begins to wonder if he made the correct decision lo these many years ago to become a hermit, with such loveliness in the world. His inner voice of isolation said nothing. But his facial expression betrayed none of this.

“Where do I find this…Duo?”

bulletbrides pointed to a distant white-capped mountain, distinct in that it stood alone on the horizon, no other mountains near it. A ring of clouds surrounded the peak. “Use that as your guide to where they are. But, I must warn you,” her expression still showing no emotion, “they are a bit…eccentric.” She said no more, despite any further questioning.

The Hermit turned away to start the next part of his journey. As she watched him slowly disappear in the distance, bulletbrides allowed herself a smile. “He is the Hermit of Mink Hollow? The one who lives in a simple cave? No way,” suppressing a giggle while replacing the headphones after starting up The Smashing Pumpkins. “In other times, people would think him a king, because he hasn’t got s**t all over him.”

Locked