When I was little, I asked my mother if she thought I would ever be good enough to be a singer. She said "Maybe a backup singer." I've been told by some that I sing well, if not exactly beautifully - but that if I'm really interested, that I should get lessons and I could probably go on an Idol if I really wanted to.
When I was in high school, I told my parents that I thought that I wanted to be a writer, and that I thought I should do creative writing at university. My mother said that if I was ever going to write anything, that I didn't need to go to university for it because the really good writers don't go to university for it.
There were things before the writing incident, and after, on and on - and here I am: an apprentice electrician who wants to be a nanotechnologist.
-I'm a pretty violent guy. If some jerk is pissing me off, or if he crosses a line of sorts (racism or some such) I won't hesitate to introduce his face to my fist in a right hurry. (I'm a strong believer in Chivalry however, I'd never strike a woman)
-I went too far once and almost killed a guy. I didn't stick around to check if he's actually dead or not, but I haven't seen my face on any Wanted posters, so I'm assuming he's okay.
-I've had a gay experience before, and didn't find it nearly as repulsive as most people would think. But that did confirm me as being straight- no real attraction to the guy.
-Despite the chivalry thing I mentioned before, I do have Rape fantasies that I would like to act upon, but it really is just plain wrong, and I probably wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards.
-I've stolen and shoplifted quite wantonly during my teenage years. Back then I referred to it as "%100 savings" and- in retrospect, I did save myself a quite a pretty penny in a buncha random stuff. Well into the 4-digits.
That Guy wrote:-I'm a pretty violent guy. If some jerk is pissing me off, or if he crosses a line of sorts (racism or some such) I won't hesitate to introduce his face to my fist in a right hurry. (I'm a strong believer in Chivalry however, I'd never strike a woman)
I believe in equality. I'll punch any chick for something that I'd punch a guy for. However, I'm mostly a pacifist.
That Guy wrote:-I've had a gay experience before, and didn't find it nearly as repulsive as most people would think. But that did confirm me as being straight- no real attraction to the guy.
For some, it's not about attraction, it's about getting off.
That Guy wrote:-Despite the chivalry thing I mentioned before, I do have Rape fantasies that I would like to act upon, but it really is just plain wrong, and I probably wouldn't be able to live with myself afterwards.
Get a play partner for BDSM and a safe word, and you're good to go.
Indeed, you're not alone, midgetshrimp. Even if we all are random strangers to each other, we're still here.
And you're neither the first nor the last person to have gone through this. Most people (not to say everyone) is at some point influenced by others. Whether by people close to us or by people we despise, sometimes we find ourselves doing something we are not completely comfortable with just to go along or go against someone else (or the crowd, sometimes). And I think that's not a problem as long as they're relatively irrelevant things, silly things. But defining what you want in life, what you want for yourself, that is important. Aren is right, you should take some time for yourself, but don't expect to find out what you want right away. That takes times, you might even find it on the way, not anytime before.
You're not giving up. The other way around, it seems to me that you're actually putting up a fight. If you were to give in and make an effort to please others, to fulfill their expectations, not yours, THEN you'd be giving up. On yourself.
Pepperkitty M.D. Specialist in Elders and Zoomorphic Cave Dwellers, Head Healer of the Elder Cave Official Ninja Kitty Minion of the Elder Council
Well, words from me (=stranger flickering on some screen, essentially unknown to you) can't help you, but I still wish you luck with your future. Time to take your life in your own hands and achieve goals you set yourself. Not others. At the very least, I think I can promise you will have the sympathetic ear of everyone here. After all, if you look at it from a rational-atheistic standpoint, a "true" confession (as in the Catholic Church) is not going to change a thing, I mean, if one does not believe in God, some guy in a frock telling you you have been forgiven does not reorder the Universe. But you sure feel better after it. Having someone listeining to you, even if they can't physically assist you, is still highly important.
I know that. I've been listening all my life.
Kudos to Tenjen. After what have mostly been rather lighthearted posts (including mine), your thread has now made an impact.
Catharsis. The word to explain this thread.
Aren wrote:Midget - here's two things to think about, that I use whenever I start to feel self-loathing (you're not there, but you're having feelings like I was back when I was in university - and I failed out, too).
"Nothing of me is original - I am the combined effort of everyone I have ever known."
"This, too, shall pass."
Just relax. Take some time. Figure out what you want, and then do it. There are others of us out there who feel the same way and have been there.
The only thing I want is a Smart car... But seriously, I think the one thing I crave that's missing is the feeling that I'm needed. I've done so much in my short lifespan but so little has changed, it removes that feeling of accomplishment. And I'm at that point where people are exiting my life though any of my attempts to stop them, or so it seems. I have four friends that I trust with all my heart, one of which I'm sure our paths have diverged (which hurts, so much, because she really is the most amazing person I've ever known), the rest I'm trying to keep close. It's disheartening, to put as an overwhelming understatement.
And I laugh sometimes at the irony, because I'm the rock that they all came to for advice. No matter what it was about, they looked to me like I knew what the hell I was doing. Even though I have no real experience, or really that much confidence, and I'm convinced my advice is terrible (it never seems to work out afterward). I'm still there for them, but it's like waiting in the field after the last of the spectators has packed their umbrella.
Exuberant High Captain Mod-siah of the Elder Council, Grand Official Bard. Who needs sex when you have Menage a 3?
midgetshrimp wrote:The only thing I want is a Smart car... But seriously, I think the one thing I crave that's missing is the feeling that I'm needed. I've done so much in my short lifespan but so little has changed, it removes that feeling of accomplishment. And I'm at that point where people are exiting my life though any of my attempts to stop them, or so it seems. I have four friends that I trust with all my heart, one of which I'm sure our paths have diverged (which hurts, so much, because she really is the most amazing person I've ever known), the rest I'm trying to keep close. It's disheartening, to put as an overwhelming understatement.
And I laugh sometimes at the irony, because I'm the rock that they all came to for advice. No matter what it was about, they looked to me like I knew what the hell I was doing. Even though I have no real experience, or really that much confidence, and I'm convinced my advice is terrible (it never seems to work out afterward). I'm still there for them, but it's like waiting in the field after the last of the spectators has packed their umbrella.
Fuck you, you're not allowed to be my clone. I already have two. Although time and experience have made me less modest about my relative success rate when compared to Dr. Phil.
peppercat wrote:If you were to give in and make an effort to please others, to fulfill their expectations, not yours, THEN you'd be giving up. On yourself.
No, it's that need to be needed feeling. That's what's kept me at it for so long. I live vicariously through the lives of others and what I may be able to do for them. When they're not here, they take that life with them. And that leaves a void of some sort. Usually that could get filled in by others coming into the picture, but my social make-up hasn't allowed for that to happen.
Exuberant High Captain Mod-siah of the Elder Council, Grand Official Bard. Who needs sex when you have Menage a 3?
midgetshrimp wrote:And I laugh sometimes at the irony, because I'm the rock that they all came to for advice. No matter what it was about, they looked to me like I knew what the hell I was doing. Even though I have no real experience, or really that much confidence, and I'm convinced my advice is terrible (it never seems to work out afterward). I'm still there for them, but it's like waiting in the field after the last of the spectators has packed their umbrella.
I know this feeling partway. As I stated above, I'm a listener. Or, I should say, I'm considered one. People unload their troubles on me. I listen. I give some advice, form a mirror for them. Sometimes, it helps. Often, just having someone listening is catharsis enough (I hope).
Though I do have a certain "claim to fame". No, rather, evidence that I can make a difference. a long time ago, I talked someone out of commiting suicide, thereby preventing a domino effect which would have (probably) lead to further suicides.
It's the one thing I have done in my life that had real meaning, the one thing where I was truly proud of myself afterward.
But I know the terrible feeling of "one of which I'm sure our paths have diverged (which hurts, so much, because she really is the most amazing person I've ever known)" Because she who's life I saved, more dear to me than anyone in this world, has left me too...
Sithlord of the Sithling and best customer of McLovecraft's , in the business of keeping the little Platypus in business Moderations in GREEN and signed by the DAMNed. I am not anonymous! Also, MODSMACK!! Winner of the... 2010 Kilopost FRANKIE; 2010 Mad March Nom Off; 2010 Joker Cleavage Contest; 2010 Fan-Thing Contest; 2010 Mimic Contest (tied); 2011 Joker Cleavage Contest; 2011 Contest-for-the-next-Contest (tied)
I had a gay experience with my cousin. We only touched though.
Iam still swooning over the fellow who kissed me day before. The circumstances revovled around an offer for a poly relationship [which is a huge co-incidance because i had just joined here and hte topic had come up here just before my friend [the guys girlfriend, an old-ish friend of mine] asked me. In fact i need to ask some advice on it. After some thought, i declined because its too soon after steph to be ready for a relationship which requires a good deal of commitance and a level of relationship management completely new to me. But their loving people and they said i could change my mind anytime. STill i dont think iam ready or am stable enough yet. If i join them, i want to make sure i dont fuck it up.
While i have realised that i am attracted to guys. I find that iam very choosy, VERY PARTICULAR, when it comes to choosing male mates.
I live in a country where practiced or known sexuality is not tolerated however. So i cannot have a real relationship with a man and we would have to go to great lengths to make sure no one finds out. Practiced homosexuality will lead to 6 months jail and deportation from the country.
Despite my lack of care for whats "popular" and what peoples "opinions" as per their own wants and desires [like people who judge others and their life choices as bad, not because they analyzed and saw problems, but only because these others are different or made choices that person didnt make]. Anyway what i mean is, despite my individuality balanced with my acceptance of productive external influence...
Iam terribly afraid and sensitive about being stereotyped by my ethinicity and gender. Due to my mix, people assume what they want, i dont mind that. But what i worry about is if they think iam Indian, or italian, or lebanese, or egyptian, or iranian/persian and they marginilize me because of that. Or even people who find "mongrels" and such mixed bloods disgusting and unnatural [against natures laws]...yah..
I have a lot to give to this world. I've realised my potential and work towards fulfulling. I can change this world. But iam just so afraid that in my attempts, others who hold the strings in their hands will cast me aside into futility.
I LOATHE being generalized as just another "man". I am not some hollow dog. I have not fought against such behavior and been there for my friends and, those who come to me in confidance, when they've had to suffer from such assholes, JUST TO BE GODDAMN THROWN IN THE SAME ROOM AS THEM.
On a more lighthearted side.
I once bit Stephires nipple so hard i made it bleed. BAD. The scar was still around after 4 years and noticeable too. I didnt bite the nip off as such. I sorta chomped down on her top nipple [the nub; my minds a bit tired now, i forget terms ><] and the furthest bottom part of her areolae [wow i remembered this term though].
she bodily threw me across the room for that by the way. While laughing and playfully swearing at me and the blood creeping down her luscious body.
No i dont have a blood fetish.
I also clamped my teeth on one of her nether "lips" too. Quite firmly, but only enough to hae her worried, not enough to hurt.
Stepheny was highly prone to accidently hurting my william. EVERY TIME I MET HER. well the majority of the time. Multiple events of her jumping on my lap to sit down, jumping on me face to face while iam sitting [she accidently kneed me many times liek that], being too excitable when playing with me or going down on me [she once got into it so much she head butted me, and another time yanked it a bit too hard...], Jumping ontop of me in bed, nurmous times she bounced on the bed with me and knocked me with some body part [we once jumped on a particularly springy bed opposite to one another and flew into each others face]. trying to grope me a bit too quick. accidently dropping various hot liquids and food stuffs into my lap. Once sneezing while we were in a 69 and head butting me there. [she once sneezed when i was kising her forhead.. that loosened a few teeth..].
We loved to wrestle A LOT. A lot of accidents happened due to that.
By the way girls. NO NERF BAT IS SOFT ENOUGH TO WHACK YOUR MAN IN THE BALLS WITH. no pillows either...
I'am surprised iam still capable of even using the damn thing.
Though it seems to be..tilted to the right now. But i dont think that was because of the abuse and more the..err ok ill just finish now with saying that.
While ive been a confidante to many many women and a few guys[ and have even had strangers confide some very dark dirty secrets], iam completely unable to keep my own secrets and have no true sense of my own personal space, or in another frame of mind, i have no concept of my own personal space.
I have so much to give to this world, to make it a better place. Iam afraid ill be sidelined
Affro Shaman of the Forum and Deranged Elder Lynx of the Caves. Perpetuater of warm-hearted irrelevance and lynx kitteh of affectionate inflictions.
Artemisia wrote:Wait...are we reenacting Ma3 here with ballistic cats?
oh by the way, just to make sure people dont misunderstand.
I live in the United Arab Emirates. This place is highly culturally mixed. My University alone has 86+ nationalities. [thats actually sorta a record as the uni prizes itself on its cultural mix of students and aims for productive diversity]
Everyone here lives in relative harmony and it is a fantastic example of just how we can co-exist. Racism exists but only as far as other civilised countries [but hey, you know how that goes]
But it is still an Arab Country and thus does not tolerate practiced/public homosexuality and it is such by law as well. This is part of the culture and while restrictive and unfair, it is just one of th things that people have to deal with and adapt to if they wish to live here.
Ofcourse as with any such law. If they dont find out, you're alright.
Last edited by Tenjen on Sun Nov 09, 2008 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Affro Shaman of the Forum and Deranged Elder Lynx of the Caves. Perpetuater of warm-hearted irrelevance and lynx kitteh of affectionate inflictions.
Artemisia wrote:Wait...are we reenacting Ma3 here with ballistic cats?
Teacher2B wrote:
Being stereotyped is something that I suffer, too, although not for reasons of ethnicity and gender, although it is equally awful for us. There are many people in my country (although not the majority, fortunately) that think that English is the language of the Empire and that those of us who have proficiency on it, or even worse, those of us who teach the language are spreading the ideology of the Empire.
The silly thing about that is modern Central America and South America are the results of Spanish and Portuguese imperial activities, not English. Such an attitude should apply, if anything, to those who speak Spanish and Portuguese.
Moving on to new lurking grounds. Have fun, folks.
, in the business of keeping the little Platypus in business
