Confessions

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yiraheerai
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Re: Confessions

Post by yiraheerai »

It's nothing new but I'm nervous. My dad works nights and my mom's going back to work after taking a week and a half (I think) off work. I'll be in charge. Which wouldn't be hard if it was just me but now it's my grandmother, my uncle, and me. And grandma's already fallen a few times in the bathroom. I think what scares me most is that I have the hardest time hear either of them. My uncle has a thick tongue due to thyroid issues so his voice comes out mumbly. Grandma... doesn't seem to get that there are other vocal ranges than soft and softer. And she can't wear teeth anymore due to Bell's Palsy. She had a spell and I had thought she completely came back from that but apparently it's interferes with wearing teeth. I've got something worked out with Kevin that has to do with a deaf application on my phone but Grandma... she's going to be a problem D:
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Dirty n Evil
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Re: Confessions

Post by Dirty n Evil »

I had an almost overwhelming wave of depression hit me while I was at work. It caught me completely off guard, as I'd had a fairly good weekend, but I went from feeling okay to feeling like I was figuratively being ground down into a pulp. It was almost as bad as the depression I felt during my unemployment, which is saying something. I was seriously wondering if I could finish my shift, but I know the importance of me being there on Sundays. So, I started mentally propping myself up. I told myself, "Christopher, you have an AMAZING mind. You know that this feeling is just that - a feeling. I bet you're smart enough that you can actually shut down that part of yourself that feels to push through the day on sheer force of will." And scarily, it worked. I didn't completely shut off my feelings, but I managed to compartmentalize it enough that shoving it into the background made me feel less oppressed by my own feelings... and I got through the day and all my work tasks.

My confession is that now that I'm looking back objectively, I'm actually rather scared that it worked. I know from talking to friends that experience depression (including someone that nearly earned a degree in psychology herself) that I apparently have really great mental coping mechanisms. However, the idea that I was even briefly able to 'turn down the volume' on my emotions is disturbing. I don't know if that's an unhealthy thing to be able to do.
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Re: Confessions

Post by Don Alexander »

*three years later*

"No. Not without incident."

*needles screech to a complete stop*
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Re: Confessions

Post by mikbuster »

DnE, it's bad if that becomes your only method of coping. If it becomes something where you don't feel, then it really sucks. Ideally you should be able to feel and finish out work without suppressing it completely. Though it sounds like you were still feeling and managed to just ignore it for a few hours. That, sounds normal. Working through the pain sounds fairly normal.
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yiraheerai
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Re: Confessions

Post by yiraheerai »

Something that I'm realizing about myself that I very much do not like is that I'll say I'll do something with every intent of doing it and end up doing almost the exact opposite instead. I never really lie, but my mind changes in the strangest ways. Why it ends up doing something very far from the original intent is something I haven't figured out yet. Case in point, going to Las Cruces for school. It's logically the best step to making something presentable out of me. I had a plan picked out. I'm taking a class online that goes with the degree and everything!

Then I decided it was probably more important for me to be getting out of the house rather than school. I don't know how many hours I've lost in contemplating the steps to take in that. Half-time school, half-time work? Full-time school? Would it be worth it to leave town if I'm not going to school at all? And then there's the dread I feel with every single assignment, no matter how small, in my online class. Is it really a good idea to be dedicating myself to something I have doubts about every time I do something? I seem to do better when there's a daily schedule like what you have with work rather than the type of schedule you have with school. Maybe work is what I need to do.

I've voiced this to mom and dad and they both really do think I should stay in town and have thought so the entire time I was getting amped up for Las Cruces. They just didn't really voice it because they wanted it to be my decision. So right now I'm pretty bummed at myself. And not really sure what to do.

And it's just occurred to me that I've thought about dropping out of the class I'm in several times.

Just.. I think I do better with work. If we can FIND me any.

I don't know. I don't know at all.
A mask, any mask, whether horned like a beast or feathered like an angel is the face of immortality. Meet me in Cognito, baby. In Cognito, we'll have nothing to hide. - Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins

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Dirty n Evil
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Re: Confessions

Post by Dirty n Evil »

This is pretty embarrassing, so I'm putting this behind a hidden spoiler. And I promise you, if a single person teases me about this, I will never frequent these boards again and I will make it my mission in life to troll them until they are sorry they said anything. Again, this is not a joke.


Why am I going to this extreme? Because it's about friggin' Pokemon. And yes, I'm still tired of how much it's being shoved down my throat. If anything, I'm grumpy about it a little more because right after I made a rant in multiple online mediums... they introduced news today of a Pokemon that actually makes me go, "GAH... that cute."

X(

I really, really hate it when I make a very public statement of disliking something and then find a previously unknown facet that actually appeals to me. Because there is always that one (or more) person who feels compelled to be an ass and rub your face in it. Rather than say, "Well, I'm glad you're not upset by it as much as you were." And it's for THAT person that I'm putting this behind spoilers, because apparently even after I made mentions of how much I disliked how heavily Pokemon was being forced down my throat some people felt that they had to bring it up again and again. And tag me in posts on Facebook about Pokemon so I was forced to see it even when normally it wouldn't have been brought across my dashboard.

Anyway, I'm still seeing TONS of Pokemon all over the place just as I complained about. You can't avoid it, it's horribly obnoxious. Which is how I even came across this in the first place. Apparently there is going to be two new Pokemon introduced, and one of them is called 'Mimikkyu'. I saw fanart of it on Tumblr before I even saw the official announcement, and it caught my eye because it was drawn very cutely. Whatever this means, it's a ghost/fairy type... which I think is neat, because I've always enjoyed stories of the fey that were on the darker and spookier side. It hates the sunlight and prefers dark places, wearing a cloth to protect it from the sun. Okay, I can definitely relate. And it chose to decorate the cloth like Pikachu, because everyone loves Pikachu and it wants to be loved too. Dammit. Right there, it got me. F###. It's like I was set up by whatever designer made Pokemon just to smack me with this.

I still hate the game, don't get me wrong, I just... gah. Look at this design.
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That's the official image, but it's been flooding Tumblr all day already with fanart. It's... both playful and dark and it wants to be loved and dammit that's me in a nutshell. Gah.
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Azrael
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Re: Confessions

Post by Azrael »

I'm beginning to understand where your coming from, DnE. For this day and age I live an extremely non-digital life. I also live in Dogpatch, Podunk County, in the outer Western BFE portion of Jerkwater USA. And the Pokémon crap is really starting to get invasive even here. :ymtongue:
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Artemisia
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Re: Confessions

Post by Artemisia »

It hasn't hit my area. Then again, I probably wouldn't notice. After all, I don't go outside very often.
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Re: Confessions

Post by TellusEidolon »

Okay... how exactly is finding something cute embarrassing to you? :-\

It *is* adorable after all. Anyway, glad you has found a silver lining and enjoy something from the latest internet phenomenon. :)

I've personally not been exposed much to pokemon go aside from a few things here or there. But i don't really have any social media aside from facebook (which only have a couple internet friends attached to it). And like artemisia, i don't go outside much.
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Artemisia
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Re: Confessions

Post by Artemisia »

Not sure if this is a confession, but. . .

I finally feel less manic. I feel bad about how I was even a few years ago, though.
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"I'm going to do what I do best...lecture her."- Twilight Sparkle (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
"Hello, I'm a lizard woman from the dawn of time, and this is my wife." - Madam Vastra (Doctor Who "The Snowmen")
"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." The 4th Doctor Doctor Who "Robot"

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yiraheerai
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Re: Confessions

Post by yiraheerai »

Well, that sounds like a good thing :)
A mask, any mask, whether horned like a beast or feathered like an angel is the face of immortality. Meet me in Cognito, baby. In Cognito, we'll have nothing to hide. - Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins

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Artemisia
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Re: Confessions

Post by Artemisia »

It has been. I finally stopped getting hung up on labels and just accepted that I'm a strange nexus point of different issues.
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"I'm going to do what I do best...lecture her."- Twilight Sparkle (My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)
"Hello, I'm a lizard woman from the dawn of time, and this is my wife." - Madam Vastra (Doctor Who "The Snowmen")
"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." The 4th Doctor Doctor Who "Robot"

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yiraheerai
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Re: Confessions

Post by yiraheerai »

Glad to hear that. :)
A mask, any mask, whether horned like a beast or feathered like an angel is the face of immortality. Meet me in Cognito, baby. In Cognito, we'll have nothing to hide. - Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins

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Dirty n Evil
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Re: Confessions

Post by Dirty n Evil »

Artemisia, I hope this means that while you're not happy with how you were a few years ago, you're feeling better about who you are today. To accept and like who we are is really a goal I think anyone strives for.
TellusEidolon wrote:Okay... how exactly is finding something cute embarrassing to you? :-\

It *is* adorable after all. Anyway, glad you has found a silver lining and enjoy something from the latest internet phenomenon. :)
After I posted this, I had some serious internet issues and I required a tech to come out and fix some corroded wiring beneath my apartment. So, I was without internet for a couple days, which maybe wasn't a bad thing. Also, I chatted a bit with Yira about my feelings on the matter, because she was curious as well... and without embarrassing her, I want to say that you're a very considerate and warm person, Yira. I'm glad we're internet buddies. :ymhug: But in talking with her, it made me realize some things about myself, my past, and my family.

Unfortunately, I have a very low self esteem. In part, this is because growing up I had a family that was quick to deride and mock you for the littlest reason. They always played it off like they were teasing you in a good natured way... you know, like a bully would. Only, it still made you feel badly. Which is maybe why I had so much anger stored inside me that I started getting into physical confrontations with bullies in school. And one of their favorite things to make fun of me about is when I found something that I liked about something that I previously had expressed a dislike for. They always made a huge production of it too, making sure to loudly say it in front of others and getting them to join in and laugh. As a result, I'm very hesitant about sharing any sort of growth of this manner... which doesn't make sense, does it? But that's the thing. When a feeling is drilled into you as a child, it's really tough to overcome as an adult.

So, it's embarrassing because I feel that shadow of events from when I was a kid. I'd probably be better about handling it at other times in my life, but the truth is I'm drowning in my depression right now. I'm just trying hard to avoid any negative emotions at all to stop from dipping any lower.
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yiraheerai
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Re: Confessions

Post by yiraheerai »

Awww, I just try to be decent :) :ymhug: Thanks for explaining.
A mask, any mask, whether horned like a beast or feathered like an angel is the face of immortality. Meet me in Cognito, baby. In Cognito, we'll have nothing to hide. - Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins

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