Pixie Trix Comix & Hiveworks Community

I miss talking to people- IRL or online- 'cause when I do, funny (to me anyway) stuff happens. For example, a friend of mine is having a late Thanksgiving and took a picture with her 10 year old nephew. This ensues:

Sometimes, rarely though, I feel like being in a poly relationship is selfish. I'm guessing it has to do with western culture pushing monogamy as the only acceptable relationship being ingrained in my psyche since I was a kid.

I've actually thought that my desire for a strictly monogamous relationship was selfish.

I figure one should go with what will satisfy both them and their partner(s) and if that's monogamy then go for it.

I can't even manage a monogamous relationship...sigh...sometimes I'm afraid I'll end up alone and perpetually single.

You say that like it was a bad thing.

tis for those who it is a bad thing for. different shades and all.

I've always wanted to get married and have a family.

I hope you do marry and have the family you want.

Myself, I expect to die alone and not have the body discovered for a year or so.

Either that or get run over in the street while bicycling.

Gotta aspire to something.

I can imagine being in a monogamous relationship. I can imagine being in a poly relationship. I can imagine remaining single forever. I'll just go with the flow and see what happens.

I used to be all depressed about how I would never find anyone and I'm gonna be forever alone and stuff. Nothing has actually changed in my love life (meaning I still don't actually have one). It's mostly my mindset that has changed. Partially, I guess I'm more confident. I don't feel as hopeless as I used to. But mostly I think it has to do with not placing as much importance on being in a romantic relationship as I used to. If it happens, great! If not, well that's okay too.

Confession - part of the reason that I don't contribute as much to the forums anymore is because I'm so unhappy with my life. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm drowning in depression, and I hear it leaking out of me every time I open my mouth or communicate online.

I know that the stress of the new job site (the workload is exceptionally high) coupled with it falling on the heels of the holidays which was preceded by the romantic fiascos of "Aly & Ally" is responsible for the numbing level of depression I'm currently in. However, since those two ladies I've become overwhelming aware of just how unlikely it is that I'll ever find someone. And considering two of my four life goals hinge on a romantic partner, it's twisting inside of me. That I've done what I can to be the sort of person that another person might find interesting and appealing, but I simply can't manage to find anyone expressing interest.

In recent social outings, it's become painfully aware to me just how numerous the men are to the ladies - and those few ladies are always already romantically engaged. I am completely and utterly powerless to change this singularly important aspect of my life, and this helplessness is making me very poor company. I belong to two different online dating sites, and every time my widespread circle of friends get together I'm present in hopes of meeting someone... and I'm finding nobody at all.

At the same time, I feel like I've always been powerless in this respect. I've said this before, but it bears repeating since I'm on the subject; I've never in my life managed to even regularly date (much less managed a relationship) someone that I've romantically pursued. So I feel as though I'm spending a lot of time and effort on these avenues that really won't work for me. I'm in a situation that is not and never has been even the slightest bit in my control or even ability to influence in a positive fashion. And sadly, it's also vital to my happiness in life, because more than anything I want to be a father and I want to grow old with someone. More than even being a writer.

It's always on my mind.

I can't let go of it.

And more and more often I catch myself wondering, "If I'll never have these things in my life that are so vitally important to me, what's the point in going on?"

Sorry to hear that this is still going on for you, DnE. Unfortunately, as I am in that boat with you, I have no words of comfort for you. Only my commiserations.

This may not be a surprise but it's something I need to voice (or re-voice)...

Almost everything I do sends me into pits of dread or panic. Reading homework material, answering discussion questions -in fact, there's one discussion question that's very controversial (whether or not the ambitions of the former slaves after the Civil War was "realistic") and I'm a very opinionated person so I'm fretting over every answer, even my own.

Reading books does it too. Will I get so caught up in it that I'll forget everything else for days? Cause I hate when I do that. Right now, I can't do that.

Writing does it. It's part of why I quit. Just the feelings of...dread that come up any time I'm about to open a word document without a clue of what to write. My stomach ties in knots thinking about ideas I could use.

Even with my mental health and hearing therapies, I get it.

Things like this whole post get choppy because of all the feelings. It's just.. a lot of worry bouncing around in different forms and I can't seem to get ahold of any of it.

So I'm starting to sort of regret going back into college and.. naturally, the voices around me are pretty adamantly saying that I can do what they think I think I can't do. (wait, what? >.o) But the thing is, I.. just don't know if it's what I'm looking for and then... with everyone pushing me in one direction I start to think... that maybe I need to get so down, there's nothing to do but come back up. Or at least prove to people that they don't know what I'm feeling and they don't know what I want just because I don't even know what I want. Do I really want anything?

Apparently, but nothing I've been trying has been working

Yira,

Part of why I attend Goddard is that I know that I can do the work, but I can't stand being around people too much. So, the question is- is it the work or is it the being around other people which is difficult for you?