Long Term relationships: How does this work?

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Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by oni » Wed Feb 25, 2009 10:52 pm

Yeah. I've been wondering as to how to go about accomplishing being in a successful long term relationship; However, need to be filled in on the Pros + Cons, of Long Term Relationships v.s. that of Short Term Relationships?

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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by cyanide_sweet » Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:17 pm

Pros: You get to spend the majority of your time with someone you love and care for.
Cons: It takes effort and compromise.

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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by zgwortz » Wed Feb 25, 2009 11:25 pm

I think it's probably impossible to give you a formula for a long term relationship, because it depends on the people involved, whether it works or not. If the people are right for each other, it can develop into a long term relationship if you let it. On the other hand, I can give you a formula that is almost guaranteed to prevent any relationship from extending to the long term: Dishonesty, a lack of communication, or a lack of trust.

As for the difference between them, the only difference between a short term relationship and a long term one is that the short term one ended sooner.

You might be confusing the terms by assuming that a casual or "just for fun" relationship is the short term one, and a committed or romantic relationship being the long term one, but in fact, the type of relationship has little to do with the length. (Although a lot of people mistakenly use the term "Long Term Relationship" to mean a committed, romantic relationship...)
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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by Dirty n Evil » Thu Feb 26, 2009 1:54 am

Oni, everyone knows I'm biased. ;) They know I'm for a long term relationship all the way. That being said, I think it's important to ask yourself first... are you the sort who's suited for a LTR in the first place? Because it's not for everyone, despite the way most of us were raised.

If you tend to want to maintain ties with other people, enjoy the comfortable familiarity of old friends over new experiences... then a LTR is probably more for you. If you're more the flavor of a month sort, who doesn't like adjusting their plans for another and is perfectly comfortable being alone for long stretches of time... then you're more likely the sort to benefit from the single swinger lifestyle.

There was an analogy that I came up with when my own marriage failed, and I feel it's still very appropriate. Some people are very worried about people changing, about one day finding that you no longer are compatible with the person you've been with for a while. I think this is misleading, because change is random. People don't just "change", they grow from who they were previously. Two plants that grow next to one another might twine together lower in their branches and then sharply jut out from one another afterwards. To stay twisted and curled around each other, people have to put effort into keep growing with one another. Some people think that's artificial, but to expect things spontaneously isn't exactly realistic.

You have to stop doing something that you're enjoying to cheer up the other person. Not forget to tell them how you feel. Share what you're thinking. Be prepared to cook two different dinners if they're not in the mood that you're in. Listen to them tell the same story a hundred different times... because you also know that eventually there will be stories the two of your have shared that you'll retell each other, too. Take trips with them to family dinners in which you don't know a single soul. Allow them greater leeway to explain why something made them mad longer than you'd permit another living being. Learn that sometimes you'll go out of your way to do something very special and nice for them and you just happened to catch them in the wrong mood so you feel unappreciated sometimes. You have to learn to say you're sorry more than you've ever imagined you would have to say it, and consistantly ask how you can make things better.

There was a funny comic I read a few weeks ago that I think really summed up the experience of love. I'm going to butcher it, but here's the gist: Love is like jumping a ravine that you know is far too wide for you to make, but on the other side there's a person who's ready to throw out a rope at the exact right time so you can grab it and survive. When it works, it's an amazing feat that's like nothing else in existence. When it doesn't, kersplat.
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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by Tenjen » Thu Feb 26, 2009 5:57 am

Love is giving the other person the ability to completely destroy you and trusting that they dont.

and now iam done with that.

An important thing to remember about LT relationships is that people change over time. Fortunately people together naturally tend to evolve together. But sometimes they dont as well, so you have to be careful.
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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by Fen » Thu Feb 26, 2009 7:45 am

When it doesn't, kersplat.
I'm sorry, but the "boom! c*mshot" thing just came in my mind when i read that :))
I'm a relationship person, but every LT has to start with a ST.
My suggestion is to just get into a relationship, and from there see what it turns into. Once the fresh-relationship fever dies down, you realise if it's meant to be LT or not. But if you don't feel comfortable from the start, then there's a big chance to not get along.
Either that or you end up like me in a very strange, bipolar relationship. Which can be fun, but also nervewrecking at some points.
I don't think relationships should be separated in LT or ST. It's a relationship, and how much you stay with someone depends on those 2 people. You can't just go "i only want long-term", because that's a bit silly, really. Also silly is the "i don't wanna get tied down in a LT", because at one point you find someone with which you want a LT and you have your not-getting-tied-down inner demons(and for the other person in the relationship, trust me, that hurts.). Just go with the flow.

completely but not so unrelated, aropund our breaking up time when we were actually communicating rather than avoid the subject, I found out my bf thought "he grabbed god by the leg" when he started dating me because I was the only chick he'd dated that didn't try to impose a new lifestyle onto him. I thought of a similar matter of him when we started. So...you just know when someone's right.

And no, I don't think that LTs necesarily lead into marriage and eternal love. But I am a pessimist.
One day I'm gonna lose the war.

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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by Tenjen » Thu Feb 26, 2009 9:09 am

For some reason iam thinking of the movie "The war of the Roses"

Also, dont mistake your relationship evolving for the relationship ending. A lot of people do that. Especially those who dont realise the relationship has simply grown to a point they arent familiar with/ dont recognise/ dont realise.

Lots have thought that when that initial burning passion has gone, its a sign that the love has died. Many times its just that the relationship has become denser and deeper. Both parties end up miserable cause they still love each other, now very deeply, but think that the love has died, when its just changed.
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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by LadySheDevil » Thu Feb 26, 2009 5:55 pm

I can't really expand any more on what everyone else has said, but I have to agree with what Tenjen just said. Some people believe that, when a relationship is at the point where everything just feels "comfortable" and there's not much of that exciting spark anymore, that it's over. For some this may be true, because they thrive on that spark, but I think that's when the best part of a relationship begins. And if you're fine without that constant spark, then you can probably handle long-term relationships well. If not, then short-term might be for the best for now.
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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by oni » Thu Feb 26, 2009 11:06 pm

DnE: Of course, bias-isms' is in your blood! :p I appreciate the well written, lengthy but scholarly comment that brought certain things to mind; Analogies were especially humorous (Fen comment made it even more...Mmmh! God, nono-Oni! Think pure thoughts. Puurre thoughts...); Tenj u sound bitter. Which scares me a bit even after being clued in on LTR. I'm not going to dip any deeper in this if you feel it not worth to be pushed into the forum limelight.

Fen: Sorry for splitting the term for human interaction as being, LTR OR STR; Help to better get my point across better. Trying to keep everything in place properly so everyone could relate where was-This thread included- --I'm coming from.

Lady: This "comfort" with the other person, doesn't mean that the person is accomplished in being satisfying in the bedroom does it?

Zg: For a masochist/male dominatrix; confused me, by sounding like an OXFORD dictionary. :-B
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I've never taken into account that later on as time goes by that there would be this plateau effect in being with multiple lovers. I've never felt love or attachement to men, mostly women..however, they're rarely ever around long enough for me to realize that this particular person warranted persuing a bit more; Fear of attachment I suppose, or it kinda was like makeing a hoe into a housewife? Only to maybe ending up continuing the same cycle when she get's bored with being with one person. Reason, this is even a thread was because have notice certain, differences with people attending the same college as me, and one who aren't. More well...loose! :-s Totally hope haven't become some sort of manwhore. :((
Last edited by oni on Thu Feb 26, 2009 11:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by Asaryu » Thu Feb 26, 2009 11:16 pm

For me, my romantic/sexual relationships are just like the ones I have with my friends. I am open, honest, trusting and trustworthy. If you want any relationship, romantic or otherwise to be more than just a fling, you need to trust them and open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt.
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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by Tenjen » Fri Feb 27, 2009 4:57 am

comfortable without innuendo oni. She meant it as in actually feeling comfortable with the surroundings and the current state of the relationship. Dom's have to be smarter than the average joe, thus why they manage to become Doms.

oh and as for me. iam not really bitter as much as iam pissy about how familiar i am with the concept i mentioned. A lot of friends and aquaintances..well i have seen this happen SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much with all the people i know since high school that it isnt funny. And they didnt even have a clue to why they were so miserable. It doesnt help that all of them didnt know how to break up well. [think text messages, asking friends,fights [verbal and physical], sabotaging their own relationship or planeout being mean and rude while breaking up; mind you they still love each other, they've loved each other enough to have their love evolve but cant recognise the "evolve" part]

so my point is with the bad break ups, they cant go back to that person anymore, they burnt that bridge down bad and even when i make them aware of the concept of how love changes, theres no return anymore. Even if it is, ego comes into play.

out of the many who did this, ALL of them had performed bad breaks ups. It was disheartening. I ussually manage to help people but these were all lost cases.

Hell some of them even started blaming me for it, even if they didnt bleady know me when they broke up.

It was one of the turning points in my life where i became even more iron clad over who i accept as a friend, what "privelages" they earn and who i just see as acquaintances and keep an emotional distance from.

turned into a rant : p
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Re: Long Term relationships: How does this work?

Post by Panchocheesecake » Fri Jul 03, 2009 4:37 pm

People change. When you get to a relationship the person you had emotions for changes and if you can't change as well and accept them, don't fucking bother being with them.
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