The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Fri Jan 30, 2009 2:00 pm

Wow... so many fanfics and 3 in a day... heres the first of today by Itilion, continuing our little tradition...
Ithilion wrote:A million Audreys on a million typewriters present: Kilopost Pyre Glade

it took the two minions some time before all the needed wood was gathered, part funeral pyre, part campfire, with them standing on either side and looking at their master. he was now sitting in lotus in front of the pile with hands resting on his knees, the dark green cloak spread behind him. after a few moments of silence he opened his eyes and motioned them to sit, flexing his fingers and pulling his hood back

"it has been quite some time since I found this place... many things have changed... and many things remain the same ...and some things, some things deserved to be remembered"

the druid reached in front of him, starting to draw on the ground once more, some ancient symbol it seems. the minions glanced at each other but said nothing, they knew better than to disrupt the ritual. as the funeral ship burns and finally sinks in the dark waters the whole cave stands to rumble, it doesn't take long for a small island to emerge from the depths, with a mighty oak on it, glowing green sparkles rise up from the ground

" journey..."

he sighed and placed an open palm over the drawn symbol, then dig his nails in the dirt and got a handful. he lifted his hand and tossed it over the wood pile, in a blinding flash of green light the pyre was lit, causing both minions to cover their eyes. their master's shadow was very different for a few moments, with great antlers coming out of his forehead and large wings spread behind him

"...its been quite the ride so far girls... we found a new home away from home here... made new friends, new rivals... met people from all over the world, from places and times we've only dreamed of has been a good run so far, these people deserve something for the time and effort put into this place"

the minions nodded and moved to stand, they knew what had to be done, what their master was hinting at, they could read him better than anyone after all, he remained where he is, staring at the green flames of the pyre, unphased as they danced into new shapes before his eyes, he lifted a hand as a wooden staff appeared in his grasp, the top adorned with a pair of antlers, two feathers and a silver crescent. his eyes glowed brighter for a moment as the flames took the familiar forms of Asaryu and her Pirate

"ah... the young lovers..." he smiled briefly, it was strange to see anything but a smirk on his face* "...what can one get someone who has the greatest gift of all?" he moved the staff in front of him, parallel to the ground and closed his eyes for a moment, then looked back at the flames as an emerald key appeared "i trust you will know what to do with this, my pet" the illusion faded away a few seconds later and a sabre appeared in its place, this was just his way of visualising the things he would give to the Cave dwellers

as the image before him changed, one of the minions appeared "items delivered Master" he glanced at her and nodded "well done Mouse" the minion smiled a bit and remained where she was, waiting to see what would be next. where Asaryu and the captain stood, now were Teacher and her Pet, the druid smirked slightly and nodded to himself "much easier those two..." he moved to his knees and tapped the staff on the ground, sending ripples towards the flames, a leather bound book with two owl feathers attached to it, a rather delicate looking dreamcatcher and a bottle with some dark red liquid appeared

he dispersed the images with a wave of his hand, allowing the form of the sith lord and his minion to appear, this made him smirk in a not so pleasant way, the two men didn't always see things eye to eye, but he had grown to respect him after all this time. another tap of his staff and black chest appeared in the pyre. he chuckled quietly to himself, it contained every star wars related item created in the last three decades, along with a few items that would allow the sith lord to better educate his minion in the ways of the sith

that seemed to have been the cue for the minion to vanish again, Morwen taking her place next to him as he waved his staff, changing the image once more, this time to show the two figures of authority in the Cave, the wielder of the Ban-Hammer and the Gate Keeper... Bear and DnE themselves. he rubbed his chin, he knew Bear would enjoy a few crates of Bailey's, but that was so common and this was a special occassion. "hmm... this may call for drastic measures... Mouse will need help with this" Morwen bowed her head slightly and vanished, she knew what her master had in mind, it was not often they had to move their version of Mimir's Well, it would allow Bear to know all that happens in the Cave

he rubbed his chin again and looked at Dirty n Evil, he was quite fond of the man but finding something suitable for a present wasn't going to be easy. he finally grinned and nodded to himself, this would keep him busy for quite some time. digging the staff in the ground, he held his hands open in front of him, glowing green threads coming out of his fingertips, taking the form of a coyote pup with green fur

satisfied with himself he clapped his hands, changing the image before him into Tenjen and a female figure, visible only to him except for the eyes, shinning and slit like a cat's, he spent a few minutes just looking at them, before he finally took two handful of dirts and tossed them into the flames, as the particles burned, they formed a collar and leash, as well as a velvet bound book with hindi characters on the cover and back, he chuckled at some private joke and blew at the flames, causing the images to change one more time

next in line were two Cave regulars, LadySheDevil and the ninja minion, Peppercat, he ran his hand through his hair and tilted his head, he wasn't quite sure as to what to get them or, more accurately, what was left in his vault for them. against his better judgement he finally decided on a rather unconventional present, something perhaps better suited for the minion, he had quite a few weapons in his vault, so a collection of blades would be rather handy for her kitchen ...and he was sure she'd enjoy the engraved yaoi on them, for the ninja kitty he had something special ...a key marked with the yinyang symbol

he was getting tired, this was not as easy as it seemed for him, he decided it was time for one final pair... he summoned the flames once more, this time giving them the shape of Pneumonica and Mythiene. both of them so mysterious and unknown to him, he'd rather get to know both of them better before it came to that. he shook that idea off and mastered the last bits of his energy for this last duo. for Mythiene, he picked a small ornate puzzle box, with strange carvings on either side... surely the goddess of fiction would be able to solve it and find the vast library within. for Pneumonica things were a lot easier, he snickered as he called forth one of the most unique items in the vault... a beholder plushie

finally, the druid moved to stand with the help of his staff, he was almost drained and Morwen moved to aid him, the other minion however, the one called Mouse, appeared in front of them "Master... there is one more item left in the vault... sir Lancealot" he perked a brow and sighed "my old suit of shinnign armour, huh? ...send that to Phoenix, I am sure he will enjoy playing with it" with that, Mouse disappeared, melting into the shadows as a silver belt similar to Morwen's appeared around her waist

he turned to Morwen and nodded "time to go home and get some rest... leave the pyre burning... it will make a nice spot for a party..."

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Fri Jan 30, 2009 2:03 pm

And now, for our shameless over posters 4th fan-fic... anotehr Don Alexander masterpeice...
Don Alexander wrote:DISCLAIMER: The following text may be disturbing to some. It is not funny (except maybe the beginning). It hardly contains any references to anyone. It continues from my #2000 fanfic, but it changes the perspective and mood...

Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction

Part XV: The Mirror's Blade

Ahhhh. I have to say: McLovecraft's, I'm lovin' it. And it loves me. That was a good, satisfying, yummy meal. And nice to have seen so many friends around today. Well, closing time, I guess. even SP is gone. Only that little sop remaining to clean up.
Where is he anyway? Ah, back there. Having a shake. Good for him. Well, time to say goodbye...
FUCKING HELL!!!!!! OH SHIT!!!! Did he just... YES!!! Toppled his shake over into the Cthulhu Fries fat vat!! FOOL!!! Didn't you pay attention in ichorness 101??? Damn, the portal is already opening...
Even through my Scrith, I can feel the cold of the voids seeping in. With a sound like torn garments, the fabric of space-time itself splits along invisible seams... The air begins to whistle through the hole, only to be stopped when black tentacles pour, spasm through. They glisten. They gleam. They look like oily tar taken animate shape. Pulsing, bubbling, they form maws filled with razor-sharp triangular teeth, which only disappear again, to show up elsewhere along their glistening phallic lengths. They boil, they coil, they soil the very air they pass through, creating little swirls of ash-gray hoarfrost that drifts to the ground like the smoke of burning corpses...
They are the Iad Uroboros. They are the haunters beyond the dreams. They are the personifiers of nightmares. Even my dark soul tries to quail and scamper back into the nooks of my mind in terror.
The poor schmuck has gone totally bug-eyed, stumbling back against the opposite battery of Fries fryers. Dark urine soils the crotch of his uniform, he gibbers in uncomprehension. I must be fast.
I vault the counter, tearing off a cash register in the process, spilling pirate gold, old dollar coins and stuffed animals, the stuff we use for payment here. Channel the Darkness. Use it. The Iad are but one side of the Dark Side of the Force. You are their master as well. My first psychic strike wipes the memory of the Schmuck and sends him into blessed unconsciousness.
In just an instant, the tentacles are on me. They feel my blackness. They know I am worthy of them. They know I have betrayed their all-out negativity. That I am their worst enemy.
They enfold me. This is not ra3p. Not raep. This is rape. Or, at least attempted rape. The Scrith has been forged in the Quantum Nethers of Planck-Tech Forges, where space-time itself is twisted into threads and strings and woven into invicible armor. It is impenetratable. They can not harm. But they can abduct. And they are strong, so strong.
Crackling purple Force Lightning blasts holes into the ichorness, tears serrated teeth from their membranes, scatters probing tips attempting to violate my mind. I ram my feet into the floor, stem myself against the tide while attempting at the same time to blast the portal closed. The flooring crumbles, dust spurts up, the foundations of the Cave themselves seem to shake under the application of Epic Battle. But they hold. Bear choose this mountain well. And I'm making progress, the portal slowly zips shut...
And that's when something scitters into my field of view, distracting me for a split second. I'm just wrapping my mind around the word "Tarantula?" when my concentration wanes enough for the tentacles to change tactics and pull me though, ejaculate, birth me into what lies beyond the portal...
FUCK!!!! Now I have a problem...

I tumble through a void painted by sickening stars. Their lights flicker wan, orange, red, soft yet dying, as if this universe is nodding its head in a last collapsing breath. Somewhere HERETHERENOWHERETHEREAGAIN is a region of the skygroundfirmamentfloor that contains no stars. I channel the Force... And luscious agony flows through me, blasting out of the tips of my toes, my fingers, my penis... The Dark Force is strong here, a pure raging current of black hot magma, like suffocating liquid night coursing through my veins. I feel the power within.... and the darkness...
I channel a smallest bit and heighten my senses. The stars flare as if engorged by pure oxygen (or hydrogen, the scientifically literate part of my mind insists), and the landscape belowbesideabovebesidebelow me becomes visible. It is a tortured scape with no signs of life, roughly resembling a blast field from a nuclear strike or perhaps a massive volcanic eruption.
Another small blast of the Force, and my tumbling form stabilizes. Ohhhh, this is gonna hurt...
I slam into the torturescape at high velocity. Only another Force pulse prevents my living body from turning into a bloody mush full of bone fragments within my armor. It takes me half an hour of blasting my surroundings with Force Lightning to extract myself from the rubble pile I created. Meanwhile, I realize that this planet, or whatever it is, does not have an atmosphere. No terminal velocity. And I fell from high up. Must have hit the ground at at least a klick per sec...
Outside, I orient myself. The horizon is flat in most directions. No discernable curvature, and I feel the powerful drag of a multiple-Earth mass planet beneath me. Good that I can energize myself so easily here.
Only one thing sticks out. The mountain. Amon Amarth... Mount Doom... It rises into a cloudless sky, looking like a stratovolcano, impossibly sheer for such a massive gravity field. Which implies it must be artificially reinforced.
And already I feel the beck and call of that which is within.

My march begins.

To be continued. The Hall of the Mountain King awaits!

Written under the influence of Farsot. And I could not have done it without Lovecraft, Giger and Barker.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Fri Jan 30, 2009 2:05 pm

Teach's second fan-fic, showing it's never easy to cheer up a depressed Kodiak... especially a giant pink one...
Teacher2B wrote:Now, it's time for yet another fanfic... :ymhug: for those who helped me, you know who you are :D ...Hope I can get a little smile out of you :ympray:

2000th post fanfic

A long and tiring weekend

Hello, DnE! How are you feeling today? Great! Me? I am exhausted. I had a really tiring weekend…Yes, it was because of Frankie…I tried to cheer him up… You know that the poor thing was awfully depressed after Pet left. He spent all day and night in her room crying and hugging her plushies…he broke my heart, poor dear…let me tell you all I did…

I first tried the usual things: bacon and flower graffiti…It was pointless…he cried even harder…Have you ever tried to calm down a crying Kodiak? Don’t ever try…especially if you are wearing a nice sweater…yuck…

Then I decided to try with real flowers…you know how much he likes them…Well, I ordered some pretty flowers…but I got confused with the names…Yes, I barely know the names in Spanish, imagine in English…anyway…I wanted lilies, as he loves them, but I ended up asking for daisies…and Frankie is allergic to daisies. Now imagine a huge crying Kodiak bear suffering from allergies…yes, not nice, be sure of that…

I did everything I could think of: I bought frilly pink curtain for his room; read fairytales and sung lullabies; tried to teach him dirty words in Spanish; played his favourite music on the radio (too sweet for my taste, ack); watched the Care-Bears marathon on TV; even dress up…name something, I did it…And nothing…

I finally asked him what he wanted to do…do you know what he said? DANCING…Yes, that was my face too…I am not a good dancer…but imagine teaching Frankie to dance…He first wanted me to teach him ballet…yes, ballet…The last time I did ballet was when I was 12, so imagine how much I remember…Anyway, I tried…results were no good, though it was just too funny to see him in his pink tutu trying to move gracefully…This was not so bad in fact…but he then wanted me to teach him to waltz…Yes, that’s why I am limping today…he stepped on my left foot and almost broke it, as he did with my lamp and two vases…

Well, as none of the things I did work, I decided to ask the others for help…I first went to the kitchen, as I have promised LSD to help her to try a new choco-rum cookies recipe, and I took Frankie with me. I asked her to let Frankie help in the cooking, and she accepted, even if grumbling a bit at the pink fur…Yes, he wore a pink apron…No, he was not happy…besides, he made a complete mess in the kitchen…though we manage to get some decent cookies…I brought some for you…Sorry for the fur…

I then went to talk with MS and Asaryu, to see if they could help me. He offered to take Frankie sailing and she offered to teach Frankie to swim…No, it didn’t work…He got seasick in the ship, and almost drowned himself...again…Now I understand why the officers at the KBG Training School told us that Frankie was so special…he is the only Kodiak in the world who actually CAN’T swim…
Oh, and Phoenix offered to teach him some football…Erm…well…he is recovering quite well…yes, he only has a few broken bones…Posse and SP are taking care of him. I sent him some flowers…

After this we went to Ithilion’s garden…yes, to get some flowers for Phoenix…Everything went quite well until Frankie got bitten by an Audrey on his paw…and he clung to Morwen…not his wisest action, you’re right…Luckily Ithilion grabbed her by her collar and nothing happened…Yes, he was sadder…yes, that was possible…

Everything had failed…CS had tried to make him drink rum, too…but Frankie doesn’t like it…Mythiene glomped him, but he didn’t react…in fact, she bounced and fell to the floor, poor girl…of course, I gave her some hugs and she calmed down…No, pepper wasn’t around this time. I know she would have helped…though she is a bit scared about him…I have told him dozens of time that she is a real kitty not a plushie, but he seems not to remember…

You can imagine that at this point I was pretty desperate…but now comes the most incredible thing of all…can you believe that Don offered to hug Frankie? Yes, I’m not kidding…hey! I’m serious…no laughing! Anyway, it didn’t work…he stood there and didn’t move his arms…it was so sad….

None of these things could cheer him up, but at least he got tired and hungry enough to eat. I overdose him on bacon, bacon soup and bacon candy (thanks Bear!!)…spiked with Kodiak sleeping pills…yes, that would make him sleep for several hours…That’s why I could come to visit…I think that tomorrow we would go to visit Tenjen. He has lots of candies…and you know how much Frankie loves candies…Now, do you want one of these choco-rum cookies? Be careful with the pink fur…

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:51 pm

Comming late to a fanfic posting area near you... Tenjen's first fanfic!
Tenjen wrote:Tenjens 1k post fanfic :

The war of the Spooge. Part A - the arrival.

"Hey has anyone seen Frankie?", Bear wondered {splish} where the kodiac had got to, he hadnt been seen all day..
"He's probably back at the forest again, eating Tenjens ammunition", Teacher replied matter-of-factly as she petted pepperkitty in her arms.
Alice, who had latched her arms and legs onto {splish}Teacher from behind as she walked, spoke up "Ten ten isnt going to like that".
Fen - "His fault for making food weapons of all the things, at least Frankie keeps Ten ten's supplies low so he doesnt use them on us when he has spares..."
Cyanide - "I'am still picking out strawberry pulp from my stuff since the last time :|"

Asaryu rose her head, today a Manitee rolling in the water. "come to think of it... where are the rest of the Kodiacs?"

Posse, who, along with platypus, had been latching onto the rolling asaryu and was getting dunked with each revolution, realised where they were, " uh..{splish} BLRUBB...oh {splish}BLURB*choke*Blargh! *Splutter* damnit *cough*"

Platypus - "Wohoo! you fell ...{splish} first, I {splish} BLURRBBBr Win!"

******Forest Behind the cave*******

"WAAAUUURRRGHH! You Fuzzy Jungle Bums! out out out! Stop eating my work! OH MY GOD you ate my experimental sector!"

The forest was sheer chaos, Dozens of kodiacs were grabbing what goodies they could in their jaws and paws as they made their escape...scattering in all directions, right, left, forward, backward, up and down, upside down and some even ran in loops around one spot.... A grey streak could be seen amongst them, spraying them with tobasco sauce.

"Dont i feed you enough?! must you keep raiding my stockpiles you ingrates"

*flings a tabasco grenade*

The Grenade missed its intended target and fell down a short cliff, underneath which the pink kodiac Frankie, feasted on a liquorice netgun.


"MAAUUWWWW" Frankie loudly whimpered in complaint as only a bear could. Both at his interupted pleasure and the awful tear jerking and nose smoldering odor. He launched off into the bushes to make his escape, liquirice in tow.

******One Mile Away from the Front entrance******

Jas, Zgwortz and Azrael were heading to the Cave and happened to have run into each other. As they walked towards the entrance and discussed the behavior of large endowments in zero G, one of them spotted..

jas - "a spooge!"

Azrael, "what here? Didnt they all drown in the flood?"

zgwortz, " o crap theres like half a dozen of them running around here"

Azrael, "o please, they're barely ankle high"

*stomps on a spooge who screams shrilly*

Jas eyes movement in the leaves and slams his leg in "there was one in the bushes too!",

zgwortz - " did you get him?"

*hundreds of tiny spooges pop out of the bushes and undergrowth*

Jas "..son of a b.."

****Front Gate****

"Loki, as funny as a rabbit with a fish tail is, i really think you should stop playing with your food"

However, loki seemed to have lost interest in both DnE and in the Hare he has captured. He was looking far into the distance.

"What is it? Is something wrong?"

Loki barked and started turning in anxious circles. Something was bothering him..

"Alright, go check it out and report back to me", DnE wasnt too worried but Loki wouldnt react to anything without it being significant.

***Almost 1 mile away***

Frankie hid in the underbrush, eyeing the scene. He had decided to head to his favorite honey laden bee nest when he say them. Multitudes of Spooges gathering around, within the swarm were 3 bulges. He rocognised the scent..they were forumites. Spooges were tasty noms any time of the day..but there were much too many of them around..and they seemed oddly..agressive.

Frankie knew that as a big pink-furred flower-covered bear, stealth would never be his forte. He ceased to test his luck and ran back to warn Tenjen of this enormous swarm.

***not far away***

Loki could smell them now. Their scent was thick in the air...that wasnt good. Tiny spooges never smelt this strong....

***Elder cave: balcony***

Cyanide rolled her eyes "o god Don..i sunk your last battleship and you know it, your clearly lying!"

Don Alexander sat calmly in his hover chair, reaching out of his full cloak to turn the game around to show her his side of the board*

"You used your force powers to move the piece!", spat Cyanide.

The sithlord narrowed his eyes at his apprentice and replied "I find your lack of fai.."


Cyanide "hmm? somethings riled up the Ravens..."

A single raven landed on the balcony's parapet and declared croakingly

"And one by one dropped the revellers in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the ebony clock went out with that of the last of the gay. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all."

and promptly flew off.

Cyanide, completely befuzzled, "what the hell was that about?"

Don Alexander stood up somberly and with great purpose, staring off into the distance.

"...death comes to ruin us"

***Forest behind the cave***

"Many of you wonder why you've been brought here."

A grey streaked lynx paw'ed up and down along a line of bears with their heads bowed

"This is a matter of great importance, Frankie has brought us dire news..."

Realising that their feeder was not talking about disciplining them for earlier, the kodiacs raised their heads in interest*

"Our very way of life is being threatened! Spooges come in great numbers to lay siege and lay death upon the cave and its inhabitents!"

A number of bears licked their chomps*

"thats the sort of motivation i like to see men...[annoyed growl from a female kodiac]..erm i mean Kodiacs"

[growl of approval]

"I sent a message to the cave but they wont be able to prepare soon enough for the battle, the spooges are too close. WE have to delay the spooges onslaught and give the Forumites enough time to launch a pre-emptive strike! FORWAARRDDD MAARRCH"

***Back at the Cave***

Alice "have they stopped puking yet?"

Asaryu "yah they've recovered quite well, Ithilion had some stuff in his garden that settled their senses"

Bear "Baileys, bacon strips and spinning do not mix"

Teacher - " you hear..whistling?"

Fen - "its tens bunker busting papaya! GET DOWN!"

*Door slams open and DnE appears*

"GUYS! We're under att..OOMPPH"

DnE's declaration was cut short by a papaya smashing through the cieling and lodging his head into its depths*


"Ill help him" scaramouche offered as he climbed out of the hot tub*


"hehe, your face made an imprint inside here.."

DnE - Nevermind that! Loki has spotted spooges headed to us!"

Midget pops out of asaryu's pool*

" They're just spooges"

"Theres thousands of them headed this way!They're almost ontop of us!"


Scaramouche, who had found a note in the papaya, spoke up,

"O crap, Tenjen says they've already got some of us, he and the kodiacs are charging them right now to buy us time!"

teacher - "idiot! he wont be able to beat them!"

Morwen accumelates herself from the shadows*

"Those werent his intentions teach...Ithil had sensed disturbances in the forest and is already gathering the other forumites as we speak!"

Cyanide bursts throw a door*

Peppercat wakes up with a jerk "gah okay, spooges attacking, enough of the door busting!"

Cyanide {momentarily fluxed that everyone already knew about the spooges} - "No theres something else! tenjen and the kodiacs! Me and Don saw it all!"

Bear - "what are you talking about?"

Don appears at Cyanide's side*

DA - "They were completely and utterly overwhelmed! Pulled into a sea of spooges!"

Morwen "DAMN THEM ALL! Elders! WE GO TO WAR!"

End of Part 1kA.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Thu Feb 12, 2009 3:53 pm

And now for Alisonchan's first, and very cute, fanfic ;;)
Alisonchan wrote:Okay, I'm done. It's not very good (by my own standards), but not going to give myself grief this once, as it's my first time. *sigh to signal she's getting ready and then a deep breath* :-s

The Most Awesomest Slumber Party Ever!
(Part One)

A tremendously long and shrill squee trilled from my room. I was so excited. “This was the night!,” I thought as I danced in circles, “The night I had been waiting for.” Tonight, of all the many boring days that we all stumble through, was the night of the much-anticipated Elder Cave slumber party.
I had spent hours picking out my outfit. Well, more like five minutes of randomly grabbing things out of my wardrobe, but the specialness that defined me was all the same. Chance had happened to bring me a beautiful ensemble. It was both completed and made up of red frilly panties, Hello Kitty boobie-tassles, and 1960’s roller-skates. As I put on a miniature top hat, I knew that this party could be nothing short of perfect. Having finished dressing (not that there was much to do), I skated out into the corridor, and nearly slipped as I rounded the bend into the main Cave Hall (ketchup). There, I decided to hide in order to acurately take stock of all that was going on.
The decorations were just going up. Asaryu and her pet JV were arranging the streamers. Asaryu’s long tentacoos reaching into the highest cave niches and startling sleeping bats. From time to time one would swoop down and smack into JV who ran screaming in circles. Alongside them, Cyanide and the Dark Lord sat in beanbags, blowing up (ebil) balloons. Someone had snuck in some phallic ones, which the Sithling noticed with surprise (when it stood fully erect after the first attempted inflation), and Don was drawing nipples on the rest. Everyone fully suspected Zgworts for the delivery of phallic balloons, because he was seen suspiciously carting in some boxes with naked ladies on them earlier that day.
Near the back of the cave, Teacher was helping PFL and the Lady Devil cart the tables in for desserts. Teacher herself had prepared a chocolate cake version of the Cave, including a hot fudge Bubbliebaff. Asaryu made note that she was pleased (groping). After five minutes, the ladies noted that their desserts were not only overwhelmingly delicious, but overwhelming in size and weight (WHAT? IT’S A SPECIAL OCCASION!), so they began to recruit the boys (who were previously loafing around) to help carry in some of the goods.
DnE, MS, and Thaldin, all toted in cauldrons of nacho cheese, guacamole, pepper sauce, and dulce de leche, with Loki and Koda nipping at their heels. From my hiding/viewing spot, I secretly giggled. Having helped plan the Official Noms Menu, I knew the boys had signed up for much more than they bargained for. I had personally helped ice some of the more… “delicate” parts of the full-size naked lady cake.
I had almost risen into the more higher pitched of my giggles when a large crash resonated from the outside Cave entrance. Bear-like grunting followed. “SWEET!” I thought. I knew what this meant. Before, I hadn’t known if Beary-mod had meant it or not, but he had really come through: He had ordered the best, most expensive of the “Ebil Moderators” Edition wall-sized movie projectors, and in the Cave, the walls are ginormous. The “Ebil Moderators” version was the most deluxe on the market.
If I thought I was excited before, then I thought I was going to pee my pants now. It was as if an invisible swarm of tiny-fingers were tickling me all over from the excitement! *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!* Ah, I couldn’t breathe! I’d never been this excited before! Then, right before I was about to pass out, the source of the “invisible tickling” became apparent. Pneu materialized beside me, grinning evilly.
“Hey, I just found out that I can tickle in my atomic form,” he said, snickering.
Pulling out an air-filled bopping bat from behind my back, I began to bop/whale repeatedly on him in the general head area. I continued this, while telling him endearingly all the ways in which he was a pain, until it occurred to me that I was still hiding.
“How did you find me here?”
“I have tracking devices implanted in everyone. I like to know where they all at all times.”
I whaled on his face some more.
Attracted by the commotion, Zgworts approached. He asked Pneu for his help in cleaning out the recently ketchuped moonbounce. After all, we would need it tonight. Pneu hesitantly agreed when Zgworts commented that it would be easiest for Pneu of all people, because after getting ketchuped, he could just disperse and assemble again, ketchup free. I settled back into my lookout/hidey-hole.
Commotion again erupted, now from the center of the cave. Beary-mod was apparently directing some clumsy Kodiaks with a silvery-type screen that was to be put on the wall, while Retiarius busied himself with hooking up the projector and installing the sound system. “No you idiots, it’s not the kind of sheet you sleep on,” Beary-mod shouted, while painfully holding his head. The Kodiak workforce was notorious for inducing migraines. Seeing the pitiful commotion, Asaryu offered to help Bear out, leaving JV to finish up the decorations in some of the lower areas.
Carefully stretching up two tentacoos to seemingly impossible length, Asaryu pinned the corner of the silvery screen along the upper-most reaches of the smoothest wall. Beary-mod breathed in relief, and was about to dismiss the less-than-helpful Kodiaks, until he saw that they were already taking tastes of the much-grander-than-imaginable snacking layout. None of this seemed important, until I spied a certain pink Kodiak with a particular interest in a certain chocolate cake Cave replica.
“DON’T YOU DARE FRANKIE!” I screamed, leaping/tumbling from my secret spot. Frankie jerked back in normal terrified-bear response. Pulling the magical bopping stick once more from behind my back, I gave him a good bop on the nose. At the sound of my shouting, Teacher had come running over, all too expectant at what may have happened.
“Did he eat my replica already?” she asked sadly.
“No, I’ll bop his Bear head into a pancake if he touches it before the party starts.” Frankie pouted like only Frankie, the giant pink bear does.
“Oh good,” she added relieved. “The boys have been taking tastes, but we’ve been allowing them as sort of a courier fee.”
I nodded in agreement. “Where’s Tenjen? He said he was planning his portion of the snacks separately. I heard tell that he was working up something amazing in his confectioners lab.”
“He said he’d be here in about fifteen minutes. Azrael had agreed to help him cart in some of his treats. I don’t think a lot of other Cave dwellers like traveling out around the Tree-Cave entrance, what with the Spooges and all,” she shuddered with some buried memory.
“Last time Tenjen brought treats, it took us eight days to clean up the mess. Why did we let him do this again?”
Frankie raised a paw.
“Because Frankie wanted it,” Teacher said thoughtfully, then added, “and you let him do almost anything he wants.” She shook her finger at me in a semi-mothering way.
Then, as I was about to change the subject (if only to get out of a guilty situation), a great and ungodly rumbling emanated from the Tree-ward entrance of the Cave. Teacher and I exclaimed mild profanity in unison. There, astride a great elephant, was Tenjen. Behind him came another elephant, and on top of it rode Azrael. Between the two elephants was a sort of “great basket” which held the most fantastic to horrific arrangement of treats. There were huge jars of puddings, and piles of taffies. Licorice strings made up the braids of the basket. As the elephants stomped closer, the most fantastic and horrific treat of all made itself utterly apparent: both elephants were made entirely of candy. The bears in the cave went into a kind of shock.
The Dark Lord, having finished his task of balloon inflating and boobie drawing, was now up in his balcony, accompanied by the loyal Sithling. They were doing balloon art to twist balloons into Cthulu shapes, and decorating the ballasts with black streamers. Alexander roared, “Those of us who do not have diabetes, will have it after tonight!”
“Good lord,” Mythiene quipped, still staring at the giant candy beasts from her ever-constant place near Retiarius, “Who helped him animate those?”
Tenjen smiled a sly smile and leaned to the side. From his shadow, the bright-blue eyes of Scaramouche lit the darkness and peered from behind large goggles. Scar chuckled, “I was bored.” Pulling an unseen lever, steam began to hiss out from the trunks of the candy creatures, and they came to an abrupt stop conveniently near the snack table.
The Cave denizens, most of whom had finished their tasks, began to gather around. Beary-mod took precedence over the group. “Now everyone has picked their favorite movies to screen tonight. We attached them all to the legs of the cave pigs, and the first one to get rundown by a Kodiak will be the first we watch. The second one to get felled will be the second one we watch, and so on.” The gathered party nodded in agreement.
“Does anybody know where Ith and Morwen are?” I asked suddenly. I hadn’t seen them about in all this time.
The Lady Devil answered. “PFL and I agreed to let them take care of the beverages that everyone wanted. They assured us that they would bring only the finest. They promised to bring the rarest wine and absinthe, as well as exotic juices and coffees from the plants grown in their garden. I thought it would be okay, as long we make sure they take the first sip,” she added playfully.
“And is there any news on the other festivities planned?” Bear questioned, “Platypus and Pepper Kitty were adamant on several games they wanted to play, and contests to be held. Are they taking care of that?”
“As far as I’m aware,” said the Dark Lord, “Last I saw her, Kitty was off down her secret tunnel saying something about a game called “suck and blow”.” The man smiled secretively.
“That’s a game where you pass a feather around a group of people only using a straw,” commented DnE, carrying yet another cauldron of delights, MS on the other side.
The Dark Lord frowned.
“Or maybe she meant the thing you were saying?” MS offered hopefully.
“You mean the version I taught you?” trilled Asaryu, delicately caressing MS’s face from out of nowhere. Surprised, he nearly dropped his side of the great pot.
“We don’t want to spill stuff until we start drinking,” quipped Bear.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught Pneu looking at some sort of strange wristwatch. “What’s that?”
“I’m seeing how far off everyone is. I think we’ve got about an hour until we can officially start the party, seeing as how Pepper Kitty is almost a continent away. I’ve yet to figure out how those tunnels of hers work…” He looked slightly strained.
“What?” I pressed.
“Well, I don’t know exactly what SP has planned for games or contests. I don’t know what either of them have planned (I was too busy spying on all the girls naked), but unless I’m wrong, Platypus is somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.”
“Your crap’s broken,” huffed Don, “I saw her less than twenty minutes ago.”
“Ha ha! Your crap’s broken!” laughed Cy, holding her belly, “Aren’t Sith Lords just the greatest?”
Bear cleared his throat. “Technically,” he said, “no one actually knows where the cave is located… via latitude or longitude anyways.”
“I’m sure Retiarius could figure it out,” added Mythiene.
And yes, Retiarius could. He finished connecting the sound systems and stood up. “I’m going to my room now. Goodbye.”
The party would soon begin.

End of Part One.

Apologies to those I didn't include yet.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Thu Mar 12, 2009 11:59 pm

Okay.. so very late posting this one. Real lifes been being a pain lately which is why this is only part one of the Tale of Sir Frankie... Hopefully when things calm down a little, part two will appear!
The Tale of Sir Frankie and the Search for the Holy Ham.

*The fog rolled over the Elder Plains and seeped through the forrests and Kodiak Foothills that surrounded the Elder Mountain. The sun burned through the mists that covered the ground, dappling sunspots over the leafmold ground, the breaks in the cloud giving little glimpses of the forumiverse sky, Advertisment clouds drifting by with their confusing and conflicting messages that went largley ignored or ridiculed by those below for having nothing at all to do with them. Far below the peak of the Elder Mountain, just outside of it's shadow, musical strains floated upon the breeze getting closer and closer...*

"Bravely Brave Sir Frankie, quite brave Sir Frankie is marching out today... He is not afraid of anything that comes his way.. He is not afraid to have his bacon stolen... nor his..."

*Kodiak grumbling cut the singing off short along with the sound of the music desending into discords as a tamborine was broken over the lead minstrals head.*

"Okay, I know they're a little annoying Frankie, but was that really needed?"
*More Kodiak Grumbling.*
Okay.. yes it's funny to have him with his little poofy hat over his face and the tamborine as a collar.. but the minstrals came free with the costume... *Wiggles armored nipple tassles* No they can't sing 'Ode to Bacon', they don't know the words... Or the 'I'm a Bacon-cook' song either. Okay... I'll get them retrained to sing some fun Kodiak songs so the next one hundred miles aren't as annoying.

*Sir Frankie grunted happily as the group continued along their path... Sir Frankie the Pink, the giant pink Kodiak resplendant in his pink hued armor and saddle, ridden upon by Sir Alison The Kyoot in her skimpy armor followed by their band of minstrals trying to yoink the tamborine off of their leaders head.

As they closed in towards the Elder mountain, the sound of clashing weapons and battle rang through the air and the group snuck up quietly, hiding behind a clump of bushes to watch the scene that unfolded of a towering knight all in green armor weilding a strangely shaped staff weapon battling another knight in red infront of the bridge that crossed the gorge behind them. The Green knight parried every blow, blocked every attack, his final sweep sending the red knight flying in a tangled mess...*

Frankie! *Squeeled Alison, tugging at his ear* We should go talk to him and ask him to join us as Bacon-alot! Yah Kodiak!
*Kicking her heels they desended down the path towards the Green Knight who now stood between the bridge pillars, staff over his shoulder...*

What Ho good Sir Knight. You fight with great skill... Won't you join good Sir Frankie in the court of Bacon-alot?
Hey we're talking to you!
Fine... no cake for you. Lets go Frankie.
None Shall Pass.
No Noobs shall pass.
Hey.. We're not noobs... He's a bear and I'm a girly. See!?! *Wiggles nipples tassles at.*
Wha.. huh? *Ding* *Splort* *Thud*
Oh.. he's fallen over. You think we broke him Frankie?
*Kodiak grunting.*
Your right, we should probably leave bef..... Eeeeee! Don't run away so fast!!

*Not far ahead, in the little village of Minionia... A group of Forumites drag a captive through the streets to the home of Sir Teach.*
A Sith! A Sith! We've caught a Sith! A Sith! May we paint him?
*sir Teach walked out onto her little patio, discipline paddle in hand.*
We've found a Sith, may we paint him?
How do you know he is a Sith?
Well He looks like one.
Bring him forward.
*The forumites drag the Sithlord forward before Sir Teach.*
Yes I'm a Sith... A Sithlord.
But your not dressed up as one.
They stole my Scrith armor as they said it was too cool.
And your lightsabers fake.
Do you know how hard it is to recrete the technology in a forumiverse made up of such geniuses who say that the technology isn't possible?
*Forumites* See.. He's a Sith! Paint him!
What makes you sure that he's a sith?
Well he turned me into a platypus...
But you are a platypus.
Oh... um... well... Paint the Sith!
Yes Paint Him!
Quiet, Quiet, Everyone behave and be quiet! Now, how can we be sure that he is a Sith?
Appart from him admitting it?
What do you do with Sith?
We paint them! Yeah!
And what do you paint appart from Sith.
*Pondering pause* Walls?
Yes! so why do we paint Sith?
Be... because they're made of Wall?
Yes! And what do we make walls from?
Yes, but don't we also make walls from stone?
So how do we know he's made of stone?
*Forumite mumbling* He sinks in water?
Then to the Bubbliebaff!
Ahh... but what else sinks in water?
*More forumite mumbling occurs* Pigglets?
Baileys Cookies?
*Sir Frankie grumbles at the back of the crowd.*
He says Tentacoo Monsters.
Why your correct Sir. Sooo...
*The crowd of forumites scratch their heads.* Soo.. If he sinks like a tentacoo monster, he's made of stone, and therefore made of walls.... ?
And therefore...
He's a sith!
We shall use my largest set of tanks.
*The horde of forumites drag the Sithlord over to the side of Sir Teach's house where two large dunk-tanks are placed, One with a tentacooed women sat upon the dunking stool, the sithlord being dragged up to the other.*
Remove the pegs!
*The pegs were knocked out, the tentacooed woman and the sithlord both sinking to the bottom of their tanks.*
He's a Sith! A Sith.
*The sithlord drags himself to the surface, spluttering and spitting out a stream of water.* Well that was a waste of time. I addmitted it.... probably not the best idea though.

*Sir Teach walked to the back of the crowd, appraoching Sir Frankie as in the background the screams of the Sithlord sounded out as he was dragged away along with a huge vat of bubblegum pink paint...*
Who are you oh great bear, that is so well versed in the lore of creatures?
He is Sir Frankie...
"Bravely Brave Sir Frankie, Oh Sir Frankie of...." *Pawsplat* Oww..
As we were saying, He is Sir Frankie the Pink of Bacon-alot!
Oh My Leige... *Sir Teach bent down upon her knee to the sound of mumbled kodiak.*
He wants to know if you'd like to come and join us his Knights of the Kilotagonal Table at the Court of Bacon-alot.
Why good sirs, it would be an honour!

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:02 am

And now for LSD's first Fanf-fic...
LadySheDevil wrote:OH. MY. GOD. Definitely following Bear's advice next time. #:-s

So here it is. It's not much, but enjoy! :)

LSD’s Kilo-Post Fan-fic, Vol. 1, Issue 1.

*Bows* Allow me to apologize ahead of time, as I am aware that many of the forumites portrayed in this fic are very muchly out of character. Though I’m sure it’s not that much of a big deal.


The wind whipped about me as I stood on the hilltop overlooking a beautiful, albeit creepy forest. It pressed my cloak against my back with cold hands as I tried to wrap it around me, shivering at the sudden gust. Beyond the forest, I could see the Cave of the Elders.
“I should be on my way,” I muttered to myself, glancing up at the darkening sky. “I have Elders to feed... And he should be done by now...”
The moon hung low, and already quite bright. I smiled and decided against cutting through the forest, opting to take my time and head around to the front entrance. I didn’t feel like fighting whatever may be lurking in there tonight...

I hopped down off the rocky ledge and began my trek back, picking my route carefully, seeking some kind of protection from the wind. I had already worn a slight path in this direction, as there were some very nice herbs and berries growing in this area that I intended to harvest as soon as nature would allow. A lovely strawberry bush was the centre of this particular area, and upon approaching it, the aroma signalled to me that this was as good a time as any to pick the sweet fruit.

Pulling a small collapsible basket out of my bag, I stooped low and began picking the berries carefully, trying to examine them in the ever-fading light.

“Asaryu will love these,” I smiled to myself. “I wonder if I can find that stash of non-Baileys chocolate mousse... Well, if not, I can always make some...”

After filling the basket til it was nearly heaping, I stood up, turning back toward the forest to spy a faint glinting pair of yellow eyes among the blackness of the trees. My eyes narrowed as I carefully set the basket down, reaching for the pitch-spork that should have been sheathed to my back, grasping only air...

“Oh, crap...” I had almost forgotten the reason for this walk; to calm down after that pink ball of flowery fluff sat on my trusty weapon, snapping the pole in two.

Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump! My heart raced as the citrine-coloured eyes crept closer, lowering to the ground for an instant before bounding out of the darkness, knocking me flat on my back.

Oh, I am SO haunting that bear’s ass if I don’t make it through this, I thought to myself, struggling against a fury of fangs and fur and... Tongue? I stopped, pressing the back of my head to the ground in an attempt to get a better look at the furry creature mauling me, its great paws pinning my shoulders down.

When I finally managed to focus, there was a great big toothy lynx grin in my face.

“Tenjen?!” I relaxed, letting a relieved chuckle escape as I swatted his nose playfully. “Don’t do that to me, dammit!”

Still grinning, he released my shoulders and let me sit up.

“I just couldn’t pass up the dare!”

“Huh? What do you me-”

Before I had time to think, a familiar voice floated down from the treetops above me.


With a hard thud, Peppercat landed on my shoulder, startling me yet again.

“You know, if you two weren’t so loveable, you two would be essential parts of my winter wardrobe by now,” I scritched behind Pepperkitty’s ears with a smile, then did the same to the lynx at my feet.

“So, what else are you evil felines up to this evening? You know, aside from frightening innocent passers-by to near-death?”

Peppercat jumped to the ground and purred, “Evil feline hijinx,” with a wink and a hint of a kitty smile, she slinked away gracefully.

I quirked an eyebrow as she disappeared into the forest. “Cats...” I shook my head and turned to Tenjen, who was also about to head back into his forest. “You too?”

“What do you think?”

“... Fair enough,” I shrugged and dusted myself off, then picked up the strawberry basket and continued on my way.


A short while later, I found myself at the mighty entrance of the cave. The door was magnificent, and though the bear on the front would probably be enough to scare off most people, I felt at ease upon seeing it. I was home.

I made my way through the Kodiak Guard’s barracks, where the Dirty and Evil one resided. As I passed by the door to his personal bunker, I could hear the faint sound of a shower running, and his voice rose above the beating water in sing-song... Was it something from The Wizard of Oz? I wanted to press my ear to the door to hear more clearly, but I was already blushing furiously at the thought of him in the shower to begin with. Naked. And... Soapy... Pillowless... I shook my head quickly and gripped the strawberry basket tighter, as I had nearly let it tumble to the ground in my embarrassment.

Shuffling quickly away before anyone could see and think I was creeping, I passed through another set of doors leading into the ever-shifting main cavern.
The ever-present bubblibaff took up more space than usual today, and appeared to be more of a bubbli-ocean, complete with a sandy beach.
It seemed as if everyone was there. The first thing that caught my eye was the emerald-green coyote pup, Loki, bounding about, chasing after Koda. Thaldin, who was sitting in a beanbag chair-shaped pile of sand, must have volunteered to look after him while DnE had his shower. He watched after both canines with a smile.

Alison, JVDifferent, and Morwen were building a sand castle on the opposite end of the beach. Ithilion meditated nearby, looking as peaceful as ever. That briefly changed as a huge beach ball came flying towards the girls, seemingly from nowhere. Before anyone even had time to blink, Morwen drew her rayneblades with a deft, barely audible “shing!”, and bamfed into the ball’s path. When my eyes could focus on her once again, she was holding the ball aloft as it sagged on the tip of one blade. Lith smirked as his shadow minion dropped the plastic shell to the sand with a slight smirk of her own. The owners of the ball stepped forth, disappointed looks on their faces.

“Awww,” Teacher2B sighed. “I was winning.”
“You were not!” The petite SidewaysPlatypus protested, running to stand next to Teach.
“Well, neither were you!” Swayambhu chimed in, peering at both of her opponents over her sunglasses.

Morwen shrugged apologetically and bamfed back to the castle.

I chuckled and kept walking slowly, taking in the scenery and enjoying the salty air.

Mythiene and Retiarius were enjoying the beach too, but more relaxed, sitting in the shade of great palm trees and reading. I would have loved to join them if it weren’t for the duties I was stalling to perform already.

Turning toward the water, I could see Phoenix and JaS surfing, their boards gliding over the crest of an impressively large wave (considering this was the inside of a cave). There were other less-distinguishable-from-this-distance Elders splashing about in the water as well, but something suddenly caught my attention above.

Were those...? Seagulls? Huh? I looked up to see at least a dozen origami seagulls circling and calling out to one another over the water in the distance. I doubted they were Pneumonica’s work... They didn’t appear to be freaky hybrids, like the infamous aerodiaks... I shuddered at the thought.

Before I could wonder any more about the nature of the mysteriously animated paper birds, an out of control airplane suddenly swooped into view, heading straight for the flock! Radbaron barrelled through them, turning most of them into confetti while the survivors scattered. Baron landed safely on the water, large pontoons keeping the plane afloat as he was probably assessing the damage to the engines right about now.

I watched as one bird settled on the very top mast of a rather large pirate ship that I’m surprised I hadn’t noticed til now. I squinted as I noticed a tiny skeletal primate scrambling up the pole, trying to reach the bird- By Giz, Jack caught it! Below the action, in the Crow’s Nest, Posseforlife appeared to be trying to get the undead monkey to release the poor creature. Looked like it wasn’t gonna happen.

Not like it mattered, because in the next moment, the whole ship was shaken, Captain Midgetshrimp stumbling below on the bow, nearly falling off. Though I knew it was in vain, as the ship was way too far out, I couldn’t help but to shout “WATCH OUT!!”

I sighed with relief as he was caught just before he toppled off, a tentacle snapped up and wrapped around his waist. Another tentacle reached up to steady PFL, who was supporting herself on the railing. It was the Tentacoo-Goddess, Asaryu, causing some underwater shenannigans. With another tentacle coming up from the other side of the ship, she delicately stroked the shaken Jebus Pirate’s hair in apology, and yet another similarly reassuring Posse. It was eerily endearing.

“Ah. Food.” As I began to search for a way out of this little paradise to my kitchen, a very large balloon floated in front of my face. I sighed and turned to face the wall the Geriatric Balcony was on, craning my neck to see Don Alexander and his loyal Sithling, Cyanide_Sweet grinning down at me. I grinned at them and waved, daring Don to use his ebil force-powers to cause that inevitably ketchup-filled balloon to explode in my face. “I really need to secure the condiment closet better... How does one go about Sith-proofing... Anything?”

Without warning, I whirled around, smacking the balloon to the ground, then popped it loudly (and quite messily) with the pointed toe of my boot. I turned back to the balcony to stick out my forked tongue... Only to find another, larger balloon in my face.

“The force is definitely strong with these two,” I grinned up at the pair, popping the balloon with a fingernail before Don had a chance to force-squash it himself.

Wiping ketchup off my eyes with my sleeve, I continued on, finally finding the corridor leading into my corner of the cave.

The huge steel door was open a crack, which certainly explained the Siths’ current abundance of ketchup, and as I peered inside, the large pink Kodiak must have been just finishing up the dishes.

I slipped quietly through the door and looked around, amazed at how clean the whole thing was... Frankie must have felt really bad about breaking my weapon. I just wanted him to do the dishes...The cupboards and walls were spotless, the floor and counters sparkling.

As he was heaving a bucket of dirty mop-water onto the counter to empty into the sink, I let my presence and amazement known with a drawn out “woooooowwww...”

He turned his head to see a frightening, wind-blown, dirty, ketchup-covered SheDevil, and lost his grip on the bucket... Spilling dirty water EVERYWHERE. Bust mostly on himself.

My jaw dropped as he toppled over, falling on his behind, the bucket landing on his head.

“Frankie!!” I rushed over to help him remove the bucket. I set it upside-down on the floor and sat on it, then checked him for injuries. From the look in his eyes, the only thing wounded was his pride.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!”I whipped my cloak off and started drying him with it. “That was sweet of you, Frankie. But don’t worry about this. You should really go join the others in the beach-cave. I can clean up.”

He looked at me with big brown eyes, then with one damp paw, wiped some drying ketchup off my face with a look of concern.

“Oh... Oh! That’s just ketchup...” I used the now-soaked cloak to wipe my face clean and assure Frankie that I was –not- mortally wounded.
He nodded with understanding and licked his paw clean.

“Now, off you go. I’m sure Alison misses you!” I grasped one huge pink paw with both hands and helped him up. Not like he needed it, I’m sure, but the gesture made me feel better after startling him in the first place.

He looked down at me, a hopeful look in his eyes.

“I’ll join you soon,” I smiled. “I’ll just clean this up and grab tomorrow’s lunch... Bacon saaandwiches!” I sing-songed.

Big pink paws clapped together happily, then he looked at me questioningly.

“What will be for tomorrow’s lunch? I’ll think it over tonight and make it in the morning.”

Seemingly satisfied with the answer, Frankie lumbered out of the kitchen, trailing water as he went.

I smiled and shook my head, grabbing the mop and proceeding to clean up the water. Sometimes this place seems like more trouble than it’s worth.

But with the wonderful people I’m surrounded by, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:04 am

And now for another Asaryu fanfic ;)
Asaryu wrote:It's not my best writing, and it hasn't been edited. I didn't try to include everyone because I know it's impossible, so I hope anyone who isn't in the fic doesn't feel too offended.

3000th (!!) Post Fan-fiction.


Mondays child is fair of face

"How do you like it?" I watched and smiled as Alison twirls in her new outfit, the rainbow-coloured tutu swirling hypnotically in time with the button nipple-tassels.

"I love it! I can't believe you got me one for when I'm a little piggy as well! With all 6 little piggy-nipple tassels as well!" She started jumping up and down on her new rainbow moon boots and waving her wand about.

"Now careful with that," I said, narrowly avoiding the wand-blast resulting from the careless waving, "You don't wanna go stopping me from being able to shift by accident, now do you?"

"I thought it was a prop!" Alisons eyes go wide as she realises what the new outfit means "You mean I can..."

"Only when you're wearing that're our rainbow fairy now. And you know the do anything with what I've given you with intent to cause harm to someone, you'll get your own back twice as bad."

"Well...that should test me a little, but I reckon I can do it," Her nose wrinkled in thought, then her already enormous eyes go wider with an idea, "Can I wear this at the big cave slumber-party?"

"Sure thing. Of course you can. Go run off and show T2B and Frankie now...they'll love it!"

Tuesdays child is full of grace

"Are you decent?" I poked my head into the Garden to make sure it was appropriate to come in, and that the occupants weren't busy 'getting back to nature' at the moment.

"Come in, come in! You know you're always welcome in here" Ithilion smirks at my small nervousness.

"I know...I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to get...why hello there!" Morwen, having bamfed straight into my arms, smiles up at me in a way that makes me feel like prey, despite the fact that I'm holding her.

"We missed you! You haven't been here for ages" the predatory grin turns into a pout, and I am left with no doubts as to what she would have done with me if I had been around more often.

"Well, to make up for it, I brought you each a present," my tentacles reach forward to drop a gift into each of their laps, and hands a third package to the quieter shadow-minion who remains timidly behind Ithilion "I was looking through my drawers, thinking of you, and they kind of leapt out at me," A little sugar-glider emerges from each package, blinking and clinging to their hands, and I put Morwen down, slinking off as they are all distracted by their cute little fluff-balls.

Wednesdays child is full of woe

"How the hell do you find your way around here? Nothing is ever the same! My room was down that corridor yesterday, I swear it. But now where my door used to be is just a damn WALL!" T2B was glaring in frustration at the tunnel, willing it to present her chambers to her again. "Tenjen said he would met me in my rooms, but he must have thought they were down a different tunnel, so they've bloody moved on me!"

"That's why I have my underground lair. I'm the only one who really goes that far down there, so nothing anyone says really changes it," I replied, "I mean, if you thought about it hard enough, really really expected it to be there...maybe it'll move back."

"I've tried that...I have to get in there to study! how am I supposed to study if I can't even get to my damn desk!" T2b, furious, kicks a stone into the hallway where it lights up as it hits the far wall, turning into a doorknob of sorts

"I think you just solved your problem. Anyway, I wanted to give you this. It's for you and Tenjen." I hand T2B a large, brown paper bag with a string handle.

"Oh...oh my!" A deliciously evil grin spreads over her face as she discerns the contents "Well...I am meant to be corrupting young minds...I think this should do it for him if anything does. Study may have to wait."

Thursdays child has far to go

I dodge the barrage of ketchup-bombs, I manage to assert my will over my own body enough to avoid being tossed like a ragdoll in the air, and I shift so that the barrage of pillows only lightly graze me...however, reaching the top of the stairs to the balcony, there is nothing I can do to prevent the huge, statuesque Don from bowling me over sideways with hoogs.

"Shit,'d think you'd make it easier to get here considering how enthusiastic you are when I finally make it"

"We only accept visitors of a certain caliber on our Balcony, my dear. You passed the test, you're worthy of our company" Don sniffed haughtily then broke into a wide grin, watching as his Sithling trains in the ways of ebil.

"Try again, missy," A whiplash-fast tentacle reaches out behind me and pops the ketchup bomb in the sneaking Cyanide's face, covering her in the red, sticky goo, "Seems to me you're not ready for what I brought you yet," and turning back to Don, "You, sir, are taking your sweet time training your apprentice... anyone would think you wanted to keep her for as long as possible," and with a sly wink, I throw Don two small packages, "you can giver Cyanide hers when she's earned it."

Don's face is a mask as he looks into the packages to see what the gifts are, "I think we'll both enjoy these"

"Remember, with my gifts, you have to have good intentions at the very least. You try to do anything wrong, and they'll find a way to give you your own back, and it won't be nice." With that, I packed up my tentacoos, grew some wings, and flew off to my next appointment.

Fridays child is loving and giving

"Are you alright in there?" tentatively, I poke my head around the corner of the kitchen to see what all the noise is.

"Everything's fine! As soon as these goddamned appliances learn who's boss again!" LSD slams the oven shut, only for it to make a rather rude noise, fling open, spitting fire and singeing the tip of her tail.

"Appliances not co-operating?"

"No. Ever since my pitchspork snapped in two, the kitchen has been giving me lip and being very disagreeable. The only person it'll help is Frankie, since he's the one who broke it"

"Well, I think I have something you'll find useful, then. I was thinking of you when I was rummaging around in my chambers, and one of the larger drawers seemed to think this was exactly what you needed." I hand LSD a long, brown paper package tied with string, and as soon as she grasps it, the appliances in the kitchen stop hissing and the pots and pans return to a simmer. Inside the package is a titanium pitchspork with an egg-whisk base. "The appliances seem to respect it, and I thought the egg-whisk may come in handy for your mixing...but you think about what you want hard enough, the base will turn into whatever you want. And it's titanium, so it should be able to withstand just about anything"

LSD turns and points the sporked end at the oven and a wide grin comes across her face "You're going to do exactly what you're told now, no more burned cookies, no more sunken're going to cook and you're going to like it. First we're going to start with Tenjen's birthday cake, here, then tomorrows batch of baileys chocogasm cookies, and after we're done with the things we have to do, we're going to have some fun testing this baby's limits! I'm sure there's a party that will need to be catered coming up...someone's always planning something."

Saturdays child works hard for his living

I flinched at the almighty crack that resounded throughout the caves, wishing I could escape the awful noise, but knowing that my work wasn't done until all the gifts had been delivered. I wasn't sure what my doors meant when they opened to the large, seemingly empty space I was standing in. Exploring around, I found racks with rows upon rows of armour, swords, shields and medieval garb. As I started to wonder, I looked about the space again, and two large thrones on massive plinths seemed to appear in a way that made it seem they had always been there. I looked at the floor and shook my head, smiling, then alarmed as I heard the first of the repetitive cracking noises interspersed with the occasional small explosion. Finally, I as I watched the far wall, the first little hints of outside light peeked through the wall. They'd made it through at last.

"Hi Bear, Hi DnE, hows work going?" I smiled and waved cheerily at the two Mods, amused at the looks on their faces. Crouching down, I called out to a dust-covered Loki who was winding his way between Bear and DnE's legs and generally being playfull.

"What is this? This was supposed to be a routine thread re-rail and for some reason it took hours to get the thread had moved or something. I had to get Dirty n Evil's help to blast away the walls so I could get in."

"What is this room, anyway?"

"'s only finished forming since the two of you got here, but if you look at the floor and the two thrones, I think you'll figure it out."

As the purpose of the room started to dawn on the two Mods, another door appeared in the wall to our left, near the armour, and a troupe of Kodiak Guards rushed in, looking confused.

"I think the room wants you to play" I smirked, amused at the lack of subtlety in the rooms hinting. "I think you'll find the armour on the wall fits them, and DnE, I think that one over there is your throne, it's got a space for Loki next to it. Up you go, boy!" Loki, seeming to be quicker at catching on than his companions, bounded up the spiral stairs of the far throne and yipped at DnE to hurry up and play. "You Bears! Put on the armour and stand on these squares! DnE and Bear deserve a break, and you're going to entertain them!"

As DnE and Bear ascended to their thrones to overlook the chess-board, the doors in the walls closed off, but the hole that DnE and Bear had created to get in widened and smoothed, making a massive, inviting archway. The walls not occupied by the rows of armour turned into spectator stands. As if on cue, forumites started to filter in, curious about the Cave's new room.

And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

I sit on the fluffy green couch in my quarters, glad to be alone at last, and looking forward to a nice nap after a busy week. There is a clanking noise above me as the elevator starts to descend and I groan internally, knowing I'm not going to be able to have that nap any time soon.

The first thing I see is the boots, with the giant, gold buckles and the ornate leatherwork on the cuffs. Followed by the garish trousers and the bright red long-coat with the gold trimming. The next thing that draws my eye is the ornate feather in the tricorne, but it's the impish grin on my visitors face that makes me smile. Suddenly I don't begrudge the imposition, and I realise I'm going to get to bed soon after all.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:01 pm

I really need to fire myself for not keeping up with posting the Fan-Fics as soon as they appear.... anyway... here we go with yet another Don Alexander Fan-fic!
Don Alexander wrote:Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction


It was quiet in the Cave. Eerily quiet. The sign of the Ban-Hammered Barrel squeaked in loneliness in a silent breeze. The stands for the monthly pig race were empty, and a McLovecraft's Innsmouth Fishmouthburger wrapping cartwheeled across the finish line. No nude splashing forumites disturbed the peace of the BubblieBaff...

In another part of the cave, an explanation was quickly found. Here, a milling mass of forumites had gathered, gazing raptly at a huge (like, several dozen feet tall) image that had been affixed to the cave wall. It showed the nude upper body of a well-built girl, cut off at the head though. She was holding her arm across her breasts, covering the really naughty bits, and allowing the eye to focus on the decoration. The cute little kitten faces in black marker!!

They were...

KITTENTITS :-o :-o :-o :-o :-o :-o

Not all forumites were looking. On the ground, two of them had passed out, and had been placed in the recovery position to keep them from choking on the drool that was incessantly running from their open mouths. All knew DnE did not handle cuteness well, and this had just short-circuited him. And Doc, a reasonable newcomer to the cave and minion of Miss Kittentits - for it was none other than Asaryu, the tentacoo goddess, herself, who was showing her kittentits - was obviously not yet inoculated enough against the pervasive smexiness that is the Elder Cave.

But the others were staring, and appreciative to different degrees.

LSD was in a state of complete undress, trying to multiply Pi with kittens on her canvas, using a black lipstick. Her temp minion in training, DarkKnightJared, was oggling and sweating.

Fen was looking contemplative. Dang, she thought. If I had drawn kitten faces on my nom-off bribe bride, I would so win, no fears. But now, the contest remains exciting.

Teach was looking at the kittentits, a secret little smile playing across her pretty face. Outwardly sweet and calm, she was stirring up a tornado of dirty thoughts. That Tenjen, in the form of a lynx bebbeh, was poking out of her cleavage and kneading brea... d surely helped. "Look!! I have my own kittentits!!" the little feline meowed.

SidewaysPlatypus was in awe. I mean... PUGGLES!!! And with kittens on them!! She just shook her head and started making plans of her own.

JVD was skeptic. Sure, kittentits were nice, but how about LIZARDTITS????

Radbaron was buzzing by the poster to get an especially close look. Phoenix was trying to hit the left kitten face with an Ultimate frisbee. Fae Fae was wondering if she should incorporate kittentits in her upcoming wedding. Zgwortz was thinking about leashing those kitties. Myth was puzzling over how to incorporate kittentits into her tales.

Many others were standing there, openmouthed, gaping, or at least nodding appreciatively.

Off to the side, Ith and Morwen stood aloof. They smirked slightly at the antics of the other forumites. Kittentits was nuffin!

Up in the geriatric balcony of the Sith, the pair was too preoccupied to notice the kittentits hubbub. They were trying to scrub off the markings they had applied to themselves on Pi Day. DA especially wasn't getting very far, because his gaze was always drawn back to... legs... Clint and John were moping because no one was scritching them.

In another part of the cave, Eight was running - he was late getting to the kittentits!! Suddenly he came across a stationary tornado - composed of a sneaky little feline, a cute piglet and a very muscled hamster, zooming around in a circle. It was unclear who was chasing whom. Nearby was a mountain of empty tequila bottles, red bull cans and roasted peanut packages. "There's kittentits!!" Eight shouts. The tiny kitty brakes to an abrupt stop, causing a pileup. She inclines her head. "Kittentits??" Playfully she rolls on her back. "I have a bunch!!" She giggles. The little piglet prances. "I HAVE WEE PINK PIGLET TITS!!! THEY ARE AWESOME!! THEY ARE NOT AS BIG AS MY HEAD!!! I THINK THE RED BULL IS WEARING OFF!!! NEEDZ MOAR NAOW!!! CAN HAZ RACE AGAIN KPLZTHXBYE!!!!" Then she was off, chasing the hamster which was already rushing again to get rid of his perpetual nervous energy.

Off in his fortress of hibernation, Bear was hiding from everything and completely missed the show. In front of his door, Frankie was mesmerized. Again and again he played with three long pinks strands of hair. After the nice tentacle woman had dyed her hair pink, he had hopelessly fallen in love with her, and henceforth would call nothing fair unless it was her gift to him. He had asked for but one hair from her bubblegum head, and she had given him three... :x

From somewhere else in the cave, a tentacoo goddess and her smexy personal saviour dragged themselves out of bed after a very long night not dedicated to sleeping. They padded into the cave, wondering where everyone was. Finally, they came upon the milling throng of forumites - and the kittentits!!! They stopped abruptly. MS whistled appreciatively. Of course, this image was not unknown to him, no, no. But it was nice to see it so prominently. But Asaryu was flabbergasted: "What the hell!! I have not even posted that yet!! I was waiting until some people showed some serious appreciation!!" The pirate grinned. "I'd say they are appreciating it, allright..." "But where's it from??" "Oh, how should I know... I guess it's already out on torrent..."

And in the depths of the cave, eyes, unseen, watched. Unblinking. Their time would come.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:04 pm

We decided to relax the Fan-fic's a little as we realised not everyone could write epic posts and that not everyone has the time and sometimes inspiration to write one... soo, we now accept all forms of 1000th post fan-appreciation... like this!
Alisonchan wrote:OKAY. Just so I won't get yelled at, this is my 2000th post tribute to Frankie, our beloved Cave bear. This is my first attempt at taking a piece of art, then modifying it in an art program on the computers. I know, I know. I just prefer the basics. As an idea, this was Frankie's attempt at a self-portrait, although in reality (un-reality), I think he would do a much sloppier job.
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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Sat Mar 28, 2009 7:05 pm

And now for Midget-shrimps second Fanfic.
midgetshrimp wrote:2000th Post Elder Cave Fanfic


Gazing from the starboard rail, the Captain smiles as the soft caress of a tentacle frames his cheek and chin. He turns his back to the water and leans lightly, his hands resting against the smooth wooden banisters. Holding his warm smile, he beholds his love and Goddess. In contrast to his clean yet disheveled appearance, she is soft and smooth to the eyes as to the touch. Warm eyes and cool pale skin slowly lean into him, knowing lips brushing his affectionately. A short pause and she pulls away, a slight expression of confusion and disappointment crossing her face.

“You are distracted.” It is not a question. She looks into his eyes and knows her statement is the truth. His hand leaves the banister to lightly brush her cheek before he speaks.

“It is a fleeting thing, my dear. I have thoughts within my head that need the ears of the stars.” He never loses his smile. Not to say it is not sincere; he never can as long as his Goddess pervades his senses. It is the smile of one content in a world where happiness is as migrant as geese. He lowers his fingers to hold her chin gently, his lips falling to meet hers briefly but with conviction. “Go along to bed, love. I will join you shortly, when the sea reflects the peace and understanding of the night.” His teeth shine through his lips as she nods and takes his hand, slowly running her cheek across his palm before letting it fall. Somewhat sullenly but with understanding in her heart, she makes her way to their chambers, resolved to be awake when her love lay by her side. The dwindling candlelight would eventually play her eyelids into submission.

He turns to face the waters again, staring into their depths as his grip returns to the rail. His smile stays, but it is changed. Less sure as his thoughts consume him, it flickers as torchlight on the grotto walls. Cheerful, pleased, pained, sorrowful… his lips shake as his thoughts flow.

It has been many moons since his acceptance into the Cave. A sneaking rogue, an adventurous fool he was then, he thought with a small chuckle. He had learned much since that day in the chamber hall from those he would come to call his friends. And his love, he added, peeking at where his Goddess had retired. He had been much more active then, jumping into the activities of the Elders and cave dwellers eagerly, the transition eased by the kindness of those around him. Very surprised was he when presented with the title of Elder, not long after stumbling across the community; and Grand Elder shortly thereafter. But by that time he had seen much of the politics and antics of his surroundings. Disagreements mended or dispirited, warm welcoming and bitter banishment, new arrivals and old acquaintances departing… yes, he had seen much. Much of his time since becoming an Elder had been spent away from the festivities, working on his vessel, now finished and furnished with fine things from near and far. Looking into the water he sees the faces that had come and passed - from the charismatic Stephaie and cute energetic Aishabe to his rival Piratess Queen and the intelligent and elusive Pneu – faces that had brought smiles to his face at their presence, now bring a saddened smirk at their absence. Raising his gaze from the still waters, he peers through the opened grotto ceiling into the clear and starry night sky. His thoughts flow on, blurring his vision until the stars mix together to see the faces of those who had remained since his inception. The mod-types: soft-spoken Teacher, charming Dirty n Evil, and omnipresent Bear; faces of the other regular visitors, those active in the everyday running of the Cave: odd but endearing Tenjen, robust Don and his leggy apprentice CS, the petite pair – ninja Pepperkitty and puggle mistress Platypus, vibrant and most lively Alison, serene Ithilion and his lustful Morwen… these faces remain, smiling back at the captain from their starry perch.

A lonesome tear steals from his eye, sliding down his cheek and dripping from his chin to fall in the wetness below. He follows it as it hits the still water, blinking curiously at the ripples. Those peculiar perfect circles, growing infinitely until faded, but always there nonetheless. Looking up, the faces had faded from the stars, and, returning to the water, the ripples had washed away. Only in his heart do they remain. He takes a fine saber from its scabbard and holds it at arm’s length from the boat, admiring its craft. A wondrous gift, ornate as a presentation piece and sharp as a banshee’s piercing keen. A gift from the garden dweller, it is the only material reminder of this place and it’s wondrous inhabitants. Surprised, but not startled, by the low creak of an opening door, the Captain calmly sheathes his piece and, with a nod to the night beyond, turns from the rail-side. His love stands in the open doorway, her head tilted to the side curiously, hands folded across her front. Not a sign of modesty, as she was seldom within the confining layers of cloth, but a peculiar pose nonetheless.

“I felt ripples in the water, love. I had fallen asleep,” she appears uncomfortable with that, “and they awakened me. Have you dropped something, my love?”

He looks to her and smiles brightly, walking lightly to take her hands in his. “Yes, a tribute to what has been, what is, and hopes for what shall come to be.” He kisses her forehead softly, “Let us get ourselves to bed, love. It is late, and this place waits for none.” Winking waywardly, he threaded an arm around her waist and led her to their chamber. The door creaked closed, and all was dark and peaceful as the starlight reflected off the water, and a stretched ripple met the shore.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Sun May 31, 2009 11:15 pm

Teach's Fan-foods :)
Teacher2B wrote:I am cooking Frankie noms, but I am failing at them. Frankie is not pink :(( :(( :(( :(( :(( :((

Edit: Well, finished nom...Frankie's Holy Ham pie =)) (which should have been pink *POUTS*)
The dough was made following a basic recipe for pie dough we do at home: 3 cups of flour, 1/2 of oil, 1 cup of boiling water and 1 1/2 teapot of baking powder (+ salt & pepper). The measurements are always the same, but you change the size of the cup for more or less quantity. To this I added some beet juice, but it was not enough. The dough got pinkish but it was all lost later :(
I filled the pie with 100 gr of ham, 50 gs of mozarella, 1 egg, a bit of milk and 50 gs of what here it is called "Lomito Canadiense" (Canadian something...I don't know how to translate that) no bacon was involved, some Canada inclusion would be appropriate. This is lomito:
The filling:
I then prepared the pie, making the dough thin and filling it:
Then I gave it a bear form...I had plan on using olives for the eyes, whcih I was sure I had, but there were none :(
Then onto the cooker till it was ready :)
I also had a salad, a pink salad, made of beets, carrots, egg and mayonaise (the original recipe has raisins instead of eggs, but I don't like them).
It was all very yummi :D

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Sun May 31, 2009 11:55 pm

And Azrael's first fan-fic-thing.
Azrael wrote:Gah! My thousand snuck up on me. I had no freaking idea I was that close. I had planned this partly because I can't write stories very well and you know to be all rebellious and stuff. But you went and relaxed the criteria so you blew that all to hell. :ymtongue: [-( Any way I present for your perusal a piece of my piss poor poetry. Enjoy. Or don't.

The bombs fall
>>And everyone dies

The world burns
>>At the Politicians lies

Riding the Tiger
>>The ultimate high

As moderation and morals
>>Out the window flies

As into your life
>>Big Brother pries

Jack boots march
>>As Freedom dies

Turn on your friends
>>Sever family ties

Mad Scientists experiment
>>Armageddon their prize

Theories of destruction
>>Apocalypse by tries

Lynx, cats, pigs, bears
>>Critters of unusual size

Tentacles of Doom
>>Madness' blood-red eyes

Angels of Wrath
>>Split the skies

Sword of Damocles drops
>>As the body counts rise

And hearing the sound
>>Mankind's anguished cries

I turn and say
>>"More Cthulhu fries?"

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Sun May 31, 2009 11:56 pm

Yet another, another Don Alexander fan-fic.
Don Alexander wrote:Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction


It was the greatest marriage the Islands On The Wind had seen in fifty years! After many a suitor had been sent to Davy Jones, finally, a man had come to capture the heart of the Piratess Queen, the indomitable Fae Fae, who was now called the PiratessFullaLove behind her back. The Man was a stranger, no one even knew if he was a pirate, and maybe that was what it had taken. Too many rivalries, too much bad blood had tainted the waters of these islands crimson for the Queen to trust anyone she had known for a long time.

But tonight, the isles were at peace. A forced peace, maybe, and who knew what would happen when the rum was flowing freely... But tonight, a celebration was in order, a wedding!

As the sun sank, the cove was filled with light, the light of thousands of skulls filled with burning oil. Raucous cries of brightly colored birds wafted over from the jungles, only to intermingle with the hoarse shouts of a multitude of scurvy scalliwags on their way into inebriation. And they were rhythmically driven by the musicians, who pulsed the atmosphere with their drums (a ghoulish assortment of skulls, cured hides of the enemies spread tight over split cannonballs, and xylophonia of bones), flutes, castagnettes... Above all, the harsh shouts of The Scream Man vibrated through the night, calling of campaigns past, enumerating the victories of the Queen and burying her defeats under the wave-roiled sands of ages. Sweaty bodies glistening in the firelight, the musicians pounded away: JT, the Slicer of Homes, Brin from 99 Leagues away, the spectral pair of Ajax and Swaya. They were accompanied by Chan Ali, a nubile dancer, and her pet Bear, while the Scream Man himself every once in a while stroked a giant lizard from the other side of the Earth (it was rumored) that was just very different from anything anyone had ever seen before.

Just as weird was the line-up of guest attending the feast... Dreaded Cyanida Sweet, ruler of Bow 'n' Elbow Isle, accompanied by her giant bodyguard, known only as The Don (and it was rumored in hushed tones he was more than just her bodyguard...). The equally dreaded scourge of the southernmost seas, Far Gales, who was exuberantly dancing. The Bone Nibbler had come from the opposite side, the far northern reaches. The flamboyant Phoenix, who had been thought dead but who had risen in flames, and of whom it was rumored he had sailed around the world. Because he must have gotten that weird devilment of a thing which everyone was only looking at sideways and were calling the duckpussy, from somewhere not around here. Cecilia, the Teacher of Pain, also had her pets with her, ten feisty lynxes that hissed and spat at each other and at the little kitty that Cyanida Sweet was stroking in her arms - it was really small and scruffy but looked like it might take it up with Thaldor, the huge dog of Az The Claw. Then you had the lady Sexy Devil and her purser, a dirty and evil scoundrel, or the Mediterranean Menace, Morvus and his companion Itha. The Red Corsair claimed to be old European nobility, a baron, if anyone would believe him. And even more sketchy evildoers, poets and phreaks, pieces of Eight and assorted riff raff.

But one was conspicously missing! The Saviour! What an ironic name... He was the Queen's greatest rival, and the only one who had not joined the armistice.

So, when midnight neared, and the wedding commenced, everyone was slightly on edge. And as the priest, an old, gnarly pirate named Ret (always accompanied by his eyepatch-wearing parrot MythLock) asked if anyone had any opposition to the Queen taking The Man as husband, a hushed silence fell... Which was interrupted by the grinding noise of boats being driven up the beach. And a loud, sonorous voice called out: "I do!"

And the killing began.

From the skiffs they burst, Gwortzz the Torturer, the demonic Xarlax and his cohort, the Demoness, the gentleman killer Athera, the Siamese Twins Kamino and Otaku, saw-wielding Via Nero, the sadistic Doctor, grim Java and Zef the Cuttthroat, the burly Shae Big and Crazy Hair Fen... And before all was The Saviour, wielding double sabers of slicing grim reaper death.

While his crew of misfits engaged the wedding guests to blood and bone and marrow, the Saviour dashed forward, laying out wounds left and right, to get to the Queen. And when the Queen saw what was happening, she kicked her groom in the nuts and dashed toward her Saviour, crying tears of joy!

Plot twist!

Together, they made a mad dash, leaping over the dead, the dying and those who would tell of this day, jumped into a skiff and rowed quickly out to the Saviour's ship, the Maine Event. This proud and flighty battle bringer had been under the Saviour's command for many a year, and he knew every inch, creak and bellow of the sail.

Betraying all for undying love, he left his crew behind to fair for themselves and expertly guided the Maine Event out of the cove, having what he had so long coveted. The Moon danced in light upon the rippling waves, and fish basked in the shadows of the breakers that perpetually pounded the protective reef through which only one secret path led. And finally out into the opening sea, where the winds picked up, carrying them from horizon to horizon.

Days passed, days of storms, days of calm, days of joy...

Until a great crunch sounded, and a shudder went through the Maine Event!!! And the first giant tentacle snaked its unperturbable way onto the deck... Slithering slimy appendage from the nethermost lairs of the ocean's trenches. This vision made even the Saviour and the Queen pale, as they drew sabers and cutlasses, preparing to at least go heroically into the death they had condemned so many others into.

More tentacles wrapped themselves around the ship, railings splintered and exploded, the mast groaned, the swipes of blades caused spurts of hellish ichor to arc across the deck, while suckers puckers and tentacles whipped and danced. The great beastie seemed invulnerable, its wounds closing with a hissing smell and the sound of brimstone and salt water.

And finally, the Thing From The Deeps heaved itself on deck, dragging the Maine Event down into the waves of its own making, and of the ship's unmaking. The Saviour and the Queen had drawn back to the forecastle's wall, dreading what may happen now, held rapt in the gaze of a huge, ominous single eye!! And then, with more groans and creaks and sighs of tortured wood, the ship began rising again as the beast began to shimmer and flow, drawing into itself, shrinking, changing, transforming. The Saviour and the Queen looked at each other, flabbergasted, as the huge Kraken turned itself into a nude and nubile goddess of the waves. Only eight bumps rippling and shifting along her spine remained of the huge octopod. Unscarred, without a blemish, her hair the green of Sargasso weed and the pink of split-open crabs, she sauntered, self-assured, toward the two shaking pirates.

"Have you already forgotten me, you little shrimp?"

Her voice was mellifluous and told of the eternal whisper of the ravenous ocean. She cocked her head: "Have you forgotten your pact? The reason why you have survived all these years? Who is your saviour now??"

The Queen had turned, looking aghast from the Shrimp to the Sea Goddess. "You... YOU!!!" she shouted. "You vile betrayer! I'm not your hussy!" She drew her cutlass. "I'll feed you to the sharks, you Judas!!"

But before she could slay him, she was frozen by a gaze of the goddess. "You did not know. Your cause is just, but he is mine, and mine alone. Rest assured, I will punish and paddle him... I long for the depths. I shall return to them now, and I am taking you with me."

Tentacles erupted from her back and lashed out, gripping the Saviour in a vise he could not escape from. She lifted him up, he struggled and gibbered, in panic but excited about what he would see now. She slowly stalked backward, until she passed through a broken part of the railing and tumbled into the eternal waves with her prize.

The Queen remained, stunned to be still alive. It took several days until Cyanida Sweet, on her trusted ship the Enterprise found the wallowing Maine Event. Many a well-known pirate had lost his life on that yonder beach a few nights before, but the remaining crew of the Saviour, feeling betrayed, had switched sides as soon as they noticed.

Relieved, the Queen set out to return to her cove, and fulfill her ceremony.

"I hope I did not bust my man's balls too much."

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear » Sun May 31, 2009 11:57 pm

And now, an uberlycute, Alison-chan fan-pic :D
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