The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

"In the begining was the Interweb... And unto the Interweb the Great Creator Giz did forge The Comic. The Comic's existance did spawn into the creation The Forumiverse, and to The Forumiverse did come the Forumites bringing with them their tales..."

Here, collected for your enjoyment, and serving as a good indicator of the many characters and much weirdness you will find on this forum, are the 1000th post Fan-fictions. A tradition started within the forums early days that every 1000th post a person makes is to be a forum fan-fiction posted within the Elder Cave where we Elder Forumites dwell...

So here, for your enjoyment... The 1000th Post Fanfics!

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

Our first ever 1000 Post Fanfic, writen by that shameless overposter Don Alexander in the days when the forumiverse was still young...
Don Alexander wrote:Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction

Part I: The Legend of the Elder Geek

Hark back now to olden days, when the sage beary-mod called out into the lands and proposed the construction of a venerable domicile, a haunt for those who had surpassed the dregs of life, a garden of rock where the Elders of the Land would be able to romp and frolick, unencumbered by the chains holding down lesser men.
So it came to pass that a huge mountain was selected to harbor the Cave, and enslaved masses were driven to heave! and ho! and gnaw it forth from the rock.
But soon, whispered adages passed amongst the workers... Where the Cave was being built, smaller chasms and ravines within the rocks loomed open. And from these, a creature came. Its form unseen, for it stalked only at night. Where it passed, it left a trail of Elder Geechor of overpowering provenance. This beast, the workers whispered, surpassed the Cave Builders by far in Elderness, for it was The Original One, the One Who Was There Before - even before D&D 1st edition, it was rumored.
The Geek seemed not to mind overmuch the construction of the Cave, it erected no hurdles nor tore down any thrones. And when the Cave was completed, the beary-mod, Grand High Vile Megalomaniacal Dictator, for life, called upon the other Elders to populate the cave and make the walls shiver with joyous jousting. And they came, the First Three, Don, midge and Pneu. And the Elders convened, and debated who else would be worthy of joining the Grand Council of the Elder Cave. And upon hearing the tales of the workers (those that survived, at least...), they immediately deemed it to be but fair to reserve a seat at their table for the One Who Was There Before.

But he never came.

And even today, strange whispers pervade the halls, glowing eyes are seen in nooks and crannies, only to flit away, and the marbling of the ceilings may change from one blink to the next.

For he is there, and yet does not partake. He gazes down upon to follies of the "Elders", those young, vain creatures, with but slight disdain, for he knows that they too shall pass, like chaff upon a stormy gale...

*curtain*

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

Our Second fan-fic, written in the days when I was still getting used to my Phernominal Modmic Powers ;)

;)
Bear wrote:Kilo-Bear.Inc Productions Presents is glourious Technicolour

An Elder Cave Fanfic

The Legend and Origins of the Grand Elder Beary-Mod.

And low it was in those oldern days before the beginning of the Elder Enclave came to be within these hallowed halls that the Grand Elder Bear came into being upon the plains of Ma3 as a lowly noob without a post to his name... Yay it is true, that your Grand Dictator was once a mere mortal like you all. He once walked amoungst you and did good to be noticed and voice his sage opinion to all those that may hear him and take heed to the wisened words of knowledge beyond his time in the days of yore when The Forumiverse was still young and and its fabric realativly untouched and tempered and pinned down with the runes of man and woman kind.

And it was from this dark age, when the Elder Goddess, known at Gisele The Administraitor did first write the words and prepare the scripts that become the basis for our religion. The Beary-One's presence was quiet at first, and then his voice grew stronger every day as his words became more widely known and his fame spread accross the comiclands. And slowly but surely with each knew thread the Beary-One rose throughout the rankings of forumites to become their first Elder, He Who Had Post More then No Other Without Being Spammy. And it was from that grand posstion aloft as a respected and beloved Elder, having set forth upon the path to bring peace and prosperity to all forumites, and set the first holy foundations of this Elder Cave , that the Goddess Gisele did look down kindly upon her Beary minion, that first Elder. And she did reach out and with her omnipotant power, she did grant The Grand High Supreme Dictator the hallowed power of Mod-Hood, and the Elder Bear did arrise and become the shinging beacon of the Beary-Mod so that he may forever watch over and further protect the hallowed forumiverse for the Great Goddess and her forumites.

And low there was much rejoicing amounst the people, for they had a new champion and protector in the Elder Bear, with his Beary-Wrath and fearsome Ban-Hammer, Bear-jollnir. And so The Beary-Mod does sit upon his throne, overseeing the forumiverse for all eternity, doling out the hallowed threats and promises of bannings to all those who did seak to defile the universe with their threadjacking and spammish ways...

to be continued...

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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The Third Fan-Fic, written by our own Pirate Jesus, helping to establish the Elder Cave as the semi-mythical place it is...
midgetshrimp wrote:1000th Post Elder Cave Fanfic

Stray in the Midst

Loosening the drawstring on his soft leather belt pouch, the robed figure carefully selected a hand full of small elongated items. As accustomed to them as he was, he still had to blink as the hard smell of spices wafted from his hand to his face. How any creature could handle these, he did not know. His musings scattered as he started forward, noting the number of bulky masses between him and his destination. As he already knew, he had brought just enough. Silent as a shadow, he crept along the boulder strewn entrance to the cave. Getting as close to the boulder shaped mounds as he dared, the figure counted under his breath as the seconds ticked by. Confident that he had not been heard, he stood, tossing one of the strange items toward each of the mounds, crouching to listen as he waited. He could hear the mounds stir, their bulk roused by the sudden willful aroma. Removing his gloves, the figure buried them, making sure none of the scent was traceable back to him. All of a sudden roars split the night, fearful if not pained. He chuckled. The caves own devices used against them. He flattened himself against the boulder he occupied as numerous mounds, now recognizable at such close range as bears, raced past him. Cthulu fries would have any sensible creature running for water. As he began to rise, heavy paw-steps spun him around. He found himself face-to-face with a straggler. Odd as it was, the bear’s fur was dyed pink, and it stared at the robed man with as much curiosity as the man viewed it. Thinking fast, the man snapped his fingers and pointed over the bear. Surprised, the bear followed the finger, and when it looked back, the man was gone.

Making his way swiftly toward the cave, the robed man only stopped once he reached the gate. Peering inside, he saw a lone guard. Again odd, with strikingly green skin. Pulling a small frame from one of his robe pockets, he slid it along the floor. That should take his mind off his duty, the man thought. The guard jumped at the scraping sound of the frame sliding across the floor, but after a swift look around, he quickly bent down and snatched it up. With another quick glance about, he studied the frame intently. Peering through the gate, the man tossed a small rock into the entryway. When the guard showed no reaction, the robed figure whisked through the gate, and keeping to the cavern wall, plunged beyond the unsuspecting guard and into the darkness unseen.

He could hear the rippling of running water. Running over his head. He glanced up, but all he saw was darkness. Turning his thoughts back to the task at hand, he ignored the sound and continued down the hallway. Polished pillars rose to intangible heights, the granite floor chased with precious metals. Sconces protruded from the pillars, heavily embedded with jewels catching and casting light across the hall. The place was kept meticulously. All of the details floated by him as he concentrated on the lone door now not twenty paces from him. There were no bears here, no guards. Yet something felt out of place. As he wracked his brain for the missing piece, an apparition materialized from the wooden door. The robed man dove instinctually behind a pillar, landing in a roll that brought him back to his feet. Using a small square of flat steel, he viewed the ghost in the reflection. If it had seen or heard him, it showed no sign. Looking back at the door, the ghost, pink like the odd bear, scratched his head and shrugged. Without another look at the door or the hallway, the apparition nonchalantly dissolved into one of the walls. Impatiently stuffing the steel piece back into his robe, the man set for the door. Testing the latch, he found it unlocked. Another oddity. Without wasting another moment, he wrenched the door open, tumbling back nimbly as a row of daggers shot from the far wall. Taking a torch from one of their sconces, the man tossed it into the through the doorway into the darkened room beyond.

He heard the flow of water again. He looked up, and noticed the first ceiling within sight. Setting his eyes on the room again, he saw choices presented to him. Across from him was another doorway. To the left and right were staircases, leading down to unknown depths. He started for the door, and as he reached for the latch, he heard a voice. He spun around, dagger and mace in hands, but no one was there. Still he could hear a voice, not loud enough to understand, but it was there. Warily he turned back to the door, and jumped, startled. It was open.

The roaring waterfall was sudden and as unexpected as the voice. Barely an arm’s length before him, the cascade fell, crisp and clear. He could feel its sweet cool breeze across his body, fanning his robe open. Drawing the robe close and tying it off against him, he stepped through the curtain of water. Ice flowed through him, or so it felt, for an interminable second. Then he was out. Dry, but that was his own making. He allowed himself a quick grin. It faded as he let his eyes wander. He was in a large cavern; neither the far wall nor the ceiling was visible. As far as he could see, the room consisted of a wide walk, circling an immense lake. Somehow the water was lit from beneath, though he couldn’t see the bottom despite the water being clear as glass. Few sconces stretched across this luminescent cavern, most light being provided by the large pool. Again he heard a voice. Voices, there were more now, still too faint to understand. As the robed man made his way cautiously along the walk around the water, figures began to break the surface. He wondered how he had not seen them rising from the depths, but pushed the thought from his mind. As he sank into the minimal shadows of the uneven cavern walls, he reached for their solidity, and found only air. Suddenly he was falling, down, down… down.

There was only darkness. The roar of the waterfall, the glow of the cavern, it had all disappeared long before he landed. When he came to, he reached for his mace, knowing the dagger lost in the fall. It too was not there. His robe was gone, his pouches and pockets. He wore naught but plain trousers and lace neck shirt. At least they were his. Closing his eyes, he sat cross legged on the floor, adapting to the darkness. When his eyes opened, they saw naught but outlines. All of a sudden flames leapt from sconces, and he had to shield his maladjusted eyes to the light. When his blindness subsided, again he studied his surroundings. The sconces spiraled up until there was just a speck of torchlight, the walls bare of all else, and the floor thickly covered in straw. One portcullised door was the only way out. To his surprise, the door opened and the portcullis lifted. He could see moving shadows beyond. None stepped forward; they seemed to be waiting for him. He heard the voices again. They were low murmurs, still with no words, but nonetheless he could feel their excitement. Slowly, he made his way to the doorway. He straightened himself stubbornly, brushing loose straw from his clothes. They knew he was here; he may as well hold some of his dignity. He stepped confidently through the doorway, and the voices ceased. There were people and creatures here. They sat in terraced rows, arcing from wall to wall, all with an equal view of him. A single large throne dominated the center of the assembly.

“You are in the Elder Cave,” boomed a voice from the throne, “without consent.” The voice, the man saw, belonged to a large bear, crowned and ostentatious. “We are the Elders. You will tell us why you are here. You have the time, for you not leave.” The man could see the Bear’s lip curl into a sardonic grin.

“You know too much.”

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

And Don's second Fan-Fic, showing off what a shameless spammer.. I mean Dedicated Forumite ;) he is... Showing off the Creation of the Elder Cave snack-food outlet McLovecrafts, and serving as a pretty good introduction to many of the regular forumites.
Don Alexander wrote:Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction

Part IV: A Day In The Life Of An McLovecraft's Employee

Hey there! It's me. Who is "me", you ask?? It doesn't matter, I'm just a little anonymous cog in the big machine. I'm an employee at McLovecraft's. Yes. The famous fast-food restaurant. Where you order, and a minute later, the food is eating you.

So, I'm here to tell you about what might be considered, to a point, a typical day at McLovecraft's - the Elder Cave branch, to be specific. They pay well. Too bad you can't take it with you when something takes you with it.

6:00 A.M.: The alarm clock saves me again. Had that dream again. City of Cats... They were nibbling me up... Groggily, infuse coffee and breakfast.

6:48 A.M.: The craggy facade of McLovecraft's rises before me. Imposing. Big, in flickering neon, our logo: "McLovecraft's - I invoke it!" The angles are... wrong. I'm always glad when I'm inside.

6:49 A.M.: Perhaps the best moment of the day. When I get to see her again. SidewaysPlatypus. Owner. Manager. Zany Genius Inventor of ichory delights. Employee of every Month. As always, she is decked out in her snazzy uniform, down to the duckbill cap (on sideways, of course) with the purple tentacle hanging from it. And she gives me her wonderful warm smile. And I'm ready for work. And spend many a minute just gazing at her.

6:54 A.M.: I'll never figure how a horn can sound like a flamenco guitar... Anyway, it means Teacher2B has arrived. I meet her at the loading dock and help her unload the new stock of all things ebil. Bacon, Chocolate, Rum, Bailey's - and of course frozen Cthulhu Fries, and many other things. She's a bit grumbly this morning. Mumbling something about exams and interspersing it with a lot of Spanish insults. But I have an antidote. I give her a thermos full of hot coffee. She gives me a big hug. It's a good thing we have going there.

7:03 A.M.: The door opens. Our first customer. But no one appears! Oh no, not again! But then, two little paws reach to the countertop, and pepperkitty, the ninja minion, jumps up. She's behaving today, and actually plans to pay for her Fries. Not to mention that ninja stealing powers don't get her the other things she desires... Soon, SidewaysPlatypus is scritching the little masked kitty behind her ears. Followed by tummy snugglelingus. I am seriously envious! No, kitty! No pressing cash register buttons!

7:22 A.M.: Next customer. But who is this? He's a massive figure, looking like some kind of walking statue... Or clad in... What? Some kind of highly reflective, gray substance, shimmering and opaque, very smooth, like smoky mother of pearl. SidewaysPlatypus seems happy to see him. What?? That's Don Alexander?? Damn these shapeshifting Elders.

7:48 P.M. Don has finished ordering. Let's see. Three McUltist Burgers with extra bacon and Epic Cheese, four max portions Cthulhu Fries with BBQ Safety Officer Dip, three Color Out Of Space shakes (H alpha, SII and OIII, nonetheless...), six Innsmouth Deep Ones sandwiches, four times 20 cephalopod-harbinger rings, two times 20 Goat McNigguraths, and a gallon of Mountains of Madness Dew. And that was just the stuff we could give him right away. How can anyone eat so much?? He lumbers over to a large table, takes out his cziltang brone and starts shoveling it in. Soon afterward, the ninja kitty saunters over to him, tries to steal some Fries, and is promptly scritched into submission. What's Don doing with that salt shaker??

8:21 A.M.: Oh, my heart!!! Our Steph came zooming in. I have to ask her again what she ordered. Can't... concentrate... She has take-out. Zooms out again. "HOOOOOOME!" is the last I hear from her.

8:32 A.M.: Thundering outside announces a special customer in the drive-by summoning. Drawn by four giant Kodiak Guards, a massive chariot approaches. Whew. The pink one is not with them. Lucky me. Means I'll not have to be removing flower graffiti later. The voice of the beary-mod rumbles through the speakers, and SidewaysPlatypus supplies him with all things ebil. And tea. Never coffee. With a thundercrack of his Bear-öllnir, he is off.

9:01 A.M.: Nathan comes in: "Have you seen my pet tarantula?" No, I have not. Nathan leaves without ordering anything. Now I'm worried. And look down often.

9:23 A.M.: I must say, it's disconcerting to have a cute little jackal godling slicing, dicing, skewering and eating his burger with the help of a huge, wickedly pointed sickle. But that's Azrael for you. We fill up Don's tray again.

9:48 A.M.: I swear, thaldin's mutt Koda is gonna outgrow dem Kodiaks. And he eats three times as much as his master. Then him and pepperkitty try to outlick each other. thaldin watches contentedly.

10:03 A.M.: The door opens and a weird, hissing sound enters. Two cute girls come to the counter. I haven't seen them before. cyanide_sweet and LadyShedEvil, if I caught that correctly. CS is listening to... something on some wicked headphones. Sounds like broken power lines. And she seems a bit blissed about it. They henceforth go join DA at the bounty-ladden table, and soon pepperkitty is turning scritches to Fries again.

10:47 A.M.: "Weeeee!" Even the door seems to be happy to be opened by this new customer. In comes poo-poo face, with a floppy Santa Claus cappy! She gets her meal, my cash register gets a smiley sticker, I get a peck on the cheek, and then she bops a stamp to my forehead. I look it up in the mirror later. "Good Job!" it says. Awww. Then she skips away. She is later joined by Heine, aishababe and Lily. They are having a mighty good time over there. Pepperkitty is selling them black market security tapes. And all of them are wearing the same T-Shirt. On the front, it says "Cute!" and on the back "Jailbait!".

11:21 A.M.: The door sighs as it admits... the official newly crowned Booby Bunny!!! Heck-long blond hair, sunglasses glued to the tips of her nose, boots beyond her knees... I Sway and swoon... And she's accompanied by a guy... I mean wow. Suit. Leather trenchcoat. Leather gloves. phoenix is really turning on the heat today. I think now SidewaysPlatypus is swooning...

12:03 A.M.: And yet another hot couple (there are too many here). A striking redhead with green eyes... who has got a guy on a leash! She is clothed rather daringly. And he is not clothed at all. Not sure if he looks blissed or overworked. "Have you seen my clothes? They always seem to disappear." Then he is yanked away, and both grin. Asaryu and midgetshrimp head for the pool for a romp. They are later joined by zgwortz. I'll shut up about that... We refill DA's tray.

12:47 A.M.: Musk. And a quick customer. Tenjen orders a bunch of strawberries on cream as well as a block of chocolate. "Won't be here again these next days. Gotta go see my chesher!" Out he goes. Yeah. Be seeing you tomorrow. Our food additives guarantee you'll need another fix. And... who?

13:52 A.M.: Dan the MerchMan outside, in his rad tuned jalopy, picking up twenty Pizza Horror Di Mare for the Band and a Ithaqua I-Scream for himself.

14:25 A.M.: Dirty n Evil is not looking so good today. And he has a hockey stick with him. Better keep my distance and let SidewaysPlatypus deal with him. He's later joined by Pneu (who keeps eying the jailbait table) and Fen, and they have some games of drunken chess. That cheers him up a bit. When pepperkitty comes over for scritchings, and magically pulls some Reese's Butter Cups from her fur he even smiles.

15:19 A.M.: Dryope picks out a quiet corner, nibbles her food (every once in a while, she takes out an eldritch device which heats her Fries with steam puffs and little lightning bolts) and mostly looks around, seeming to sketch some things. She's later joined by farthingale. Time for DA's tray again. When I look over, the two girls seem to be designing dresses.

16:24 A.M.: Looks like Scaramouche and phoenix are having a heated political debate, though I didn't catch if they are disagreeing or agreeing to pound at something else. harbino sits next to them, looking zoned out.

18:54 A.M.: The place is emptying. DA's tray is full again. Quite a lot of customers today, I gotta say. Sure, not everyone was there. No Arantor or oni. Not to even mention the legendary Elder Geek... Pepperkitty is snoozing in Asaryu's lap, who is getting languorous belly scritchings from several people who shall remain unnamed.

22:25 A.M. DA is finishing up his last fries when it happens. SidewaysPlatypus is long gone, I'm alone in the kitchen, having a Black Ichor Color Out Of Space shake, when I hit it inadvertently... and it tips over into used oil in which Cthulhu fries have been bubbling all day...

Well, I woke up in the hospital today, and I'm not even sure I want to know what happened then!!

To be continued.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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And now we have Asaryu's Fan-Fic, helping to shape the almost tangeable mass that is the Elder Cave into the solidarity that is the Forumiverse...
Asaryu wrote:The world around her is heavy and viscose as she moves her body slowly and carefully towards the oblivious shape in the distance. She feels the tug of muscle and bone growth as she extends her leviathan limbs impossibly long towards her prey. Sliding up out of the murky depths, her suckers flex and grab at the air, silently moving towards the figure on the shore, extending with every breath. Just as she prepares to wrap herself around the throat of her prey she feels the deep bass thudding of running footsteps coming closer at an alarming pace. “Cannonball!”

Small waves of sweet, dark liquid wash across the lip of the bath with the first, haphazard impact followed by the larger wave of a more concentrated attack. She lets her tentacle slip back below the surface inconspicuously, drawing it back towards herself and into herself until she finally surfaces, splashing hot chocolate at the newcomers. “You bastards! I was going to drown him!” she shouts at the little ninja kitty and Don Alexander. Then, quick as a whip, she re-grows and extends her tentacles forward to grab the long-haired observer from the edge of the pool and drag him into the bath. As her victim splutters to the surface, she swims smoothly to the edge of the bath, drawing all her superfluous limbs back towards her centre. Standing up at the edge, she lets the chocolate roll down her, and turns back to the group. “I don’t really have time to play now anyway. I have work to do.” Asaryu saunters over towards the bathhouse to get a towel to cover herself and heads towards her living cave, leaving the playful splashing echoing behind her through the labyrinthine corridors.
Daydreaming of the work she has yet to do, she runs directly into a wall that wasn’t there before. “Damn thread-jacking,” she mutters under her breath, “nothing stays where it’s meant to be,” and she turns to retrace her steps to take another turn towards her home. Halfway along the corridor, she encounters a rather bizarre sight. A large, fluffy, hot pink bear, brandishing mistletoe like a weapon, being chased by a harrowed-looking green administrator. Swiftly, in order to avoid confrontation with the deranged bear, she turns herself into a spider and scampers into a crack between caves. Moving through the crack, she soon discovers herself to be in a beautifully neat cave, looking up with her compound eyes into a thousand identical faces of abject terror. The thousand faces scream with one voice and reach down to pick up heavy objects to throw at her. With each solid, painful impact, she finds her body morphing and changing growing and shrinking and changing colour until finally, she manages to get out of the cave in the form of a platypus. Taking a short moment to catch her breath, and wishing she had kept her towel, Asaryu returns to her human form, knocks on the door and looks at a quivering Teacher2B just as her arm arcs to throw another projectile. Narrowly dodging the thrown shoe, Asaryu raises her hands in submission. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Calm down! I didn’t realise I was in your cave! I got stuck by a thread-jacking and then Frankie came around the corner with that damned mistletoe of his.” She walks forward and tries to help T2B off the chair she has managed to climb onto. “It’s okay, thee aren’t any other spiders in the crack, I would have seen them. There was just me.” Happy to get out of T2B’s room alive after that misunderstanding, let alone with a simple docking of bacon and Baileys rations and a few sharp bruises to the head, Asaryu continues to search for her room in order to get some work done.

Passing a common room of sorts, Asaryu pops her head in to see how the Jabber thread is holding up. It’s a confusing place to go, but living the life of a shape-shifter, Asaryu is familiar with the deceptive and irregular dimensions of the room and is easily able to negotiate through her surroundings. Lost in conversation, she finds her mind drifting further and further away from the imminence of her work until suddenly someone says “Wow, Asaryu, you’ve been here a while. Didn’t you have to write that piece soon?”.
“Oh gosh, I’d almost forgotten about that!”
Asaryu stands up and races from the room, through the portrait corridor and on past the wailing pleas for absolution in the Confessions cave (and the similar wails in the Sexual Experiences annex), and runs smack into another thread-jack. Slightly further down this corridor, she sees another large bear, this time instead of mistletoe, he brandishes a massive hammer inscribed with ancient runes. Asaryu manages to block her ears just in time as the Bear sends the hammer crashing to the wall of the thread-jack. Rock and debris go flying everywhere, showering them both with rubble. Bear catches sight of Asaryu and she walks forwards slightly to brush some of the rubble from his face. “How’s the thread re-alignment going?”
“Oh, this part of the cave is going to take weeks to repair. I don’t think you’ll be able to get back to your quarters for at least another week”
“But I have my fiction to write!” Asaryu almost wailed. The troubles and the bruises she’d sustained trying to get this done, as well as the interesting conversations she’d had to give up on, hardly seemed fair now that it was all out of her hands.
“Don’t worry about it, I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Bear smiles in what Asaryu could only imagine is encouragement and gestures through the new hole in the cave wall. Through it, Asaryu spots a large, chocolate bath with several playful forumites splashing and frolicking. “I for one am going to take a bath”.
“I think I may join you” Asaryu walks towards the bath, seeing a few dry forumites in need of a dunking, tentacles already sprouting from her spine in preparation for the fun ahead. ‘The fic can wait,’ she says to herself ‘I want to play’

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

And now our, at the time of writing this, latest fan-fic, helping to show off some of the craziness that was the creation of the character of everyones favourite, Giant Pink, Kodiak Bear Guard, that is Frankie :D , and predicting the chaos of Bear-Mas night.
Teacher2B wrote:Ok, here it goes my fanfic. Hope you like it :ympray:

Bear-Mas Night at the Elder Cave

11:30 PM: Finally! Everybody is sleeping…though double rations of Bailey’s and rum were required. Damned alcohol-resistant Elders… And what a mess! Empty bottles all around and…huh? Hot chocolate? How did it reach that place…? Oh, never mind. I should better start filling the stockings.

Oh, oh…here comes Frankie…with mistletoe! "No Frankie. I DON’T want a kiss!" –Kodiak Bear breath…yuck…Addicted-to-bacon-pink-Kodiak Bear breath…double yuck! "Awww….no, no, don’t cry... Do you want to help me?" –before he wakes the entire Cave up- "I knew you’d like to help…now take the bag. Great…but what are you taking the mistletoe?...NO! You CAN’T kiss sleeping Elders…damn…Don’t put those sad eyes…oh, ok. You can kiss the ones that are awake. Now follow me".

11:45 PM: "Let’s start with our Lord Marshall" –how can anybody sleep standing?- "NO FRANKIE! No trying to wake DnE up…No, those eyes are not going to work now…Why? Well, you look like an oversized Care-Bear…do you really want to end up being Dryope’s pink bear rug…? Ah, that’s what I thought. Now give me the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups…NO FRANKIE!...Why did I ask you to help me???"…oh, now I remember…Let’s go on before anybody gets up…

3 AM: Damn! I spent more time trying to control Frankie than actually filling stockings. He tried to eat CS and LSD’s evil cookies, started drinking the Bailey’s…and even tried to steal the doggie biscuits I left for Koda in Thaldin’s stockings…Without mentioning attempting to paint Phoenix room with flowers, trying to cut Tenjen’s afro…and refusing to move when we got to Dryope’s room –bless Bear for the Bacon candies he invented; moving a half ton Kodiak Bear is no easy task. Now I understand why DnE looks so tired.

Note to self: remember to double DnE and Bear rations.

Well, at least we’re finishing now. Only the Balcony left…

3:15 AM: Damned stairs are too high. Maybe we can get an elevator…? Or I can get minions to do my work…hmmm…not such a bad idea, actually…

3:30: OK, I’ve finished with Asaryu and midgetshrimp…though they weren’t in their rooms…oh, now I remember…they were asleep in the pool…Bacon candies were useful again…Frankie seemed very keen on MS…Brr…

Now going to Peppercat’s cave…well, mini-cave…which is damned high…"Frankie, can you stop painting flowers and help me? Ok, stay here. I’m going to climb the stairs. You hand me the bacon and tequila, ok? NO!! You’re not eating the bacon now! And don’t pout. I’ll give you extra rations when we finish"…damned small steps…should get smaller minions…and it’s too high…getting dizzy and…oh! Cute kitty! She looks so cute and innocent…when she sleeps, of course…and those little stockings…purple? Anyway…"Frankie, give me the bacon and the tequila. And help me to get down…NO! I DON’T want a kiss. Ok, you can have a hug…Now let’s go. We still have Bear and DA’s stockings…and we’re going to spent quite a lot of time there…"

4:15: Phew, I finally finished filling Bear’s stockings…and my bag it’s much lighter now. Chocolate, Tea, Bailey’s, bacon…so many things…it was so hard to control Frankie…seeing all that bacon and not being able to eat it…and I can’t forget that he hadn’t kissed anybody yet…which worries me…

Well, it’s only DA and I’ll be able to rest…but I’ll be needing lots of coffee tomorrow…I should ask Azrael to get me some from McLovecraft’s…and maybe I can ask Ithilion for some frappe…mmm…coffee…Ok, stop thinking about coffee. I have to finish this.

Too tired… "Frankie, can you fill the stocking, please?...Yes, you can paint some flowers in my room…Thank you. Now let’s go"…Shit…what was that noise? Oh, no! DA got up…and Frankie has the mistletoe…I’d never thought DA could run so fast…and getting down the stairs like that…and without falling…Yikes, Frankie is about to catch him and…wow…now DnE has joined, running behind Frankie waving a hockey stick…well, I’m not going to get down those stairs now…and I still remember the episode of the pink spider…Bah, I’m too tired…I’d better enjoy the show with some Bailey’s and chocolate…now, if I could get a coffee…

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

And now, for some Bear-mas inspired epic posting... Written by various forumites, not for 1000 posts, but still some fun fan-fic ;)
Various Forumites wrote:The Twelve Days of Bear-mas!

On the twelveth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Twelve breasts a-jiggling,
Eleven minions a-working;
ten greetings for a new user before beary-mod does it,
nine forumites hit with the Ban-Hammer,
eight thread-jacks in need of re-railing,
seven portions of Cthulu fries,
six contest-ties wreaking havoc,
five Kodiaks dancing,
four bubble-baths,
three crates of Baileys,
two McLovecraft's coupons
and a Beary-Mod on a spiked throne!

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

And now, back to our regularly scheduled fan-fics...inspired by Bear-mas again ;)
Bear wrote:Kilo-Bear.inc Productions presents.... an epic Bear-Mas fan-fic poem....

THE NIGHT BEFORE BEAR-MAS

'Twas the night before Bear-mas, when all through the Cave
Not a creature was stirring... except for Frankie who was searching for Bacon;
The stockings were hung by the noob-pyre with care,
In hopes that St. Beary-Claws soon would be there.

The Elders were nestled all drunk in their beds,
While visions of Baileys-snacks danced in their heads.
And Cyanide_sweet in her pirate scarf, and Don in his helmet,
Had just settled down for a long sithling nap.

When out on Mount Glassheap there arose such a clatter,
Dirty and Evil sprang from the bunker-fort to see what was the matter.
Away to the bunker door, Dirty n Evil flew like a flash,
Tore open the bolts and nearly threw up on Saskia.

The moon on the breast of the paw-printed snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to bottle heaps below.
When, what to Elder wondering eyes should appear,
But a big spikey sleigh, and eight giant Kodiaks here.

With a big cranky driver, so furry with hair,
They knew in a moment it must be St. Bear.
More rapid than Platupi his coursers they came,
And he cursed, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Grumpy! Now, Fuzzy! Now, Porky and Trixen!
On, Munchie! On Sniffy! On, Lumpy and Bob!
To the top of the Mountain! To the top of the Cave!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As McLovecraft wrappers that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Baileys, and St. Beary-Claws too.

And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the stone
The stomping and clawing of each mighty paw.
As Elders drew in shadow, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Beary-Claws came with a bound.

He was dressed all in robe, from his head to his claw,
And his robes were all tarnished with bacon grease and soot;
A bundle of ebil stuffs he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a moderator just banning the pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! Bear dimple, how merry!
His cheeks were all furry, his nose like a berry!
His droll cranky mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as brown as his butt;

The shaft of his ban-hammer, he held tight in his paw,
And the rune-glow it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a big round belly,
That shook, when he banned like a bowlful of jelly.

He was giant and furry, a big scarey bear,
And Elders did scurry, in spite of themself;
A Perk of his brow and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his Claw aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to the sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the flight of a missle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Bear-mas to all, and to all a Bah-humbug!"

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

And yet another kilo-post fan-fic from out industrial strength spammer... erm.. I mean most prolific poster, Don. Demonstraiting that indeed, you don't have to be crazy to post here, but it helps!
Don Alexander wrote:Kilopost Geriatric Balcony Rag Productions proudly present:

Elder Cave Fan Fiction

Part VIII: The Monuments of Kr'Cham'Nrr

"Wait, what?? We've all spent these huge amounts of money to finally meet in real life, and all you want to do is roleplay?? No love puddles of bubbly baths??"

...

"Okay, okay, fine be me. So let's roleplay. We need to find a system hopefully everyone knows, and someone needs to come up with an adventure, and we need a DM..."

"You be DM!"

"Me??"

"You! I agree!"

"Why always me?? I want to play for once as well."

"You invented the Elder Cave fanfics. I think you'd make a good DM."

"Pot, Kettle, Black! Everyone just loves you anecdotes! And he, isn't he even our official bard?"

"You be DM or I leave."

"Cruel. You're ebil. [sighs] Okay."

...

"Sooo, everyone, I'll keep this roughly short. I don't know D&D, and you don't know my system, but since I'm DM, you'll be playing my system. I'll just keep to basic rules...

...

So, good, everyone seems to have gotten them. Next, character generation. This is going to be a high-level campaign, I wrote this adventure some years back for a friend of mine and myself. We were accompagnied by a troop of NPCs, now, you are going to be that troop, seeing we have a bunch of players. So, what are your ideas? This is going to involve a lot of battles, so no wimps."

"I'm going to play a pirate, of course!!"

"Logical. And a good choice, part of it's gonna be on a ship."

"And I want to be smexy as all hell and woo all the girls."

"Then up your charisma. But I promise you, this won't be a BubblieBaff! Next!"

"I'll decide in-game, depending on the situation."

"What?"

"I'm a shapeshifter, everyone knows that."

"Hey, no shapeshifters allowed! And no tentacle monsters either. And stop pouting."

"I'll be a werbear of course. With awesome modmic powers!!!"

"Hey, no werbears either! And for once, I have all the awesome powers."

"Awesome powers or I leave!!!"

"I want to play a wercat and ride the awesome-power werbear!!"

"Personal weapon: Hockey stick +12"

"That ship will be mine, of course. I decide where it goes!! [sings] Ah pirate's life for me, yo ho!"

"My tentacles drag the Pirate captain to my bunk!"

[They leave.]

"I dangle a stick with bacon in front of my awesome werbear and ride into the sunset!!"

[They leave.]

"I go and search for the magic stone which upgrades my hockey stick to +13!"

[He leaves.]

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[He loses consciousness.]

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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And now we present Pheonix's fan-fic. Presenting the madness that is some of the things The Elder Cave conjours up...
Phoenix wrote: The keep seemed to draw light in, and the darkness was blacker than pitch. He stood upon the walls of his home, his eyes silver and luminescent, gazing out at the incoming army. His cloak, blood-red inside, and ebony on the outside flared out behind him, the rush of the river creating a breeze that responded to the magic tingling within his core, soothing his skin, silencing the roar of the oncoming army and the river at the foot of the wall. The army, if he had not tuned it out already, stumbled blindly towards it's goal. Only the shadowy form at the head of the wedge seemed to know it's direction and cut across the wasteland of the rock-strewn cave floor, directly to the heart of the problem. He looked upon the shadow and the shadow looked upon him, and he nodded in recognition of one who had power that could contend with his own. He'd been waiting for this day for a long time, and in his heart had always known that it would come. There was no malice in the look either one gave to the other; just respect. And all the while, the march grew near.

The galleon stood moored in a quiet stretch of the river, cannons facing the horde, black flag flickering, the darkness showing nothing of the skull with crossed blades. The captain paced the deck, apprehensive of the impending battle, knowing full well that this may just be her final hour. Trumpets blared, and she squinted up-river. Torches flared out, counter-acting the magic of the lord of the keep, and within the midst of the torch-light shone a beacon of hope for all forum-kind. The captain stood upon the prow, one leg ahead of the other, long hair sailing with the wind, whilst the current ploughed against his vast vessel, trying to slow it's course, and the tentacled creature at it's fore bore it closer to it's target. The piratess shuddered, recognising that this would be a battle she could not win, magic of her friend or no.

In the keep, drums sounded. The bear-like man beating the drums looked uneasy. His silver cloak shone dimly, as if reflecting the futility of this invasion. They would all die here. The keep was impenetrable. The fortress unbreakable. But under siege, they could not outlast them. The only way was to lash out before they established a foothold. The plan was simple. Bombardiers lined the walls of the keep on each side, with the fortress defence guns aimed squarely at the battlefield below. The drums would summon The Guardian, and alert the piratess to the incoming army. When they were ready, the lord of the keep would grant light - A strange, greenish tinge, but light nonetheless - to his friends, so that they may see their adversary. But that light, he had warned, would also be a target for the enemy, and this was why he would wait until they had come close enough, before it was allowed. He beat the drums once more, rupturing the skin with his muscular arms, working himself into a frenzy, his shape shifting into that of a gorilla, and he raced across the keep walls to meet the lord.

"My lord", the gorilla panted, clearly not used to running, "I can smell them. They're here, aren't they?"
He smirked, noticing the distinguishable Germanic-American accent, and nodded. He realised that Don could not see this, and he sighed. "It is time, brother".
He moved his hand and suddenly, a green haze shone over the entire fortress and keep, the walls, and the galleon, and the friends he had brought to help. Only The Guardian lay hidden, silently approaching.
Don's eyes stared, as he looked upon the masses, frozen in fear by the look of the shadow at the front. Clearly female in nature, though she bore few signs of the kinds of girls he associated with, the gaze she wore was impenetrable, and the force she wielded was unimaginable. Perhaps even enough to rival the lord of the keep, he considered. Behind her, a single pink bear, with a buxom blonde warrior, clad only in steel and leather, mounted upon it, rode solemnly towards the main gate. The bear was flanked by three more bears. Two were of regular build, but the third was immense and carried a great war-hammer upon his muscular back, and a sickening grin on his face, if indeed a grin it was. Here was his prize...

The beast brought his hammer to bear on the main gate. Once. Twice. Three times. And the gate did not budge. The piratess looked over from her ship, glancing from the large galleon at her rear, and to the army at her front. The cave echoed with the sound of each blow on the gate, and the churning river seemed not to slow the advance of the demon and it's ship. It drew level with her, cannons lowered at the deck of the smaller vessel, and the captain jumped down from the prow, and sauntered to the edge of the railing, took off his hat and bowed deeply.
"M'lady, it is my great pleasure to finally meet you", he said. She had to admit, he did have a rather roguish charm about him. As if in answer to her thought, the tentacled monster rose up onto his ship, until it was right behind him, it's form changing all the while, until it was apparent that it was infact a young woman, completely naked, wearing nothing except for a determined smile. She wrapped her arms around her captain and nuzzled his neck, then her voice called out, "There is only one pleasure to be had this day. And it is mine".

The shadow at the gate pushed past the bear and made her challenge. "Come face me, master of darkness. We who are brethren by magic bound. You knew this day would come. Why do you hide behind your walls? Come now, so we may end this at once". She stepped away from the gate, the bears following in her wake, until she stood at the head of her army. The mass cheered her as she came, welcoming her back, in their minds, already triumphant.

[Please click this and listen whilst reading along - It sets a mood!]

"It is time!", a voice boomed out of the darkness, so suddenly, that even the shape-shifter on board the ship, seemed to tremble, "It is time...that you learned your lesson. Here, deep beneath the mountain, there are things that you cannot comprehend. Now. Now you will see". The light of the keep flickered and went out. Suddenly, from behind the army, a great roar flooded the cavern. Men and women ran away from the noise, towards the raging river, unheeding of the dangers. The light flared, blinding all those who had come seeking destruction, and the galleon's guns rang out clear. The lord raised his sword high and the walls of the keep were suddenly lined with cloaked figures, and their arms moved swiftly, as the bombardment began. The gate guards moved to life. What had previously been nothing more than statues roared and ran at the largest of the bears, pinning him down, wheeling him about before the shadow-creature could intervene, and the lord fired the main catapult right at his chest.

The Guardian came into view behind the army. A terrible black dragon, spewing fireballs into the cave roof, raining rock down on the empty space below, and forcing a good half of the army into the river, to be swept away. Those that were not taken by the flood were taken instead by the creatures that lurked beneath. Their duck-billed mouths closed down and Commander Teacher jumped in shock, rising from the waters, rubbing her bottom, before the current took her. The enemy galleon was slower to respond and the cannon-shots hit their mark. The captain took a hit to the face, and his shifting acquaintance took another to the chest. The bear took the biggest hit, being the biggest foe, and all crashed to the earth with the resulting blows.

"FIRE AT WILL!" came the call from the keep, and the missiles rained down, bombarding the remaining troops. The shadow demon cloaked herself and remained free from harm, whilst her army was taken by surprise. She looked about, stunned, recognition in her eyes at the trap that she had sprung by coming here.

SPLASH! SPLOOSH! CRASH! WHOOSH! SPLISH!

Water bombs ricocheted off armour, and the main keep guns fired a powerful stream down at the remaining army, soaking them all, forcing them to the ground. Only the shadow remained upright. She took a step forward, when a gloved hand caught around her mouth, and a voice whispered gleefully into her ear, " You don't come to my domain meaning harm, or you get hurt. I am the lord of the keep. I am the one true winner of this waterfight, and you'd do well to remember that!". As he raised the other gloved hand to detonate the watery bomb over her shadowed head, he felt a thud from behind, and smelled the harsh scent of smoked bacon as an unimaginable weight caught him from behind and heaved him to the ground, the shadow standing over him, a single tuft of pink fur floated into view as he lay there, breathless. His eyes blinked once. Twice. Then there was no more.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

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And now we present Pneumonica's 1000th post fanfic... don't worry, no-one else got it appart from Pneu either. :-\
Pneumonica wrote:Mine is extremely long, because I can't write short. Also, I can't write cute or even really funny, so instead I wrote a fairy tale.

1000th Post
The Accuser walked along the shore, looking out on the eerie half-light of the Cave as it went out across the Devonian Sea. There was no sky in the Cave, only the irregular roof and the walkways between “floor” and it. This was one of the largest areas of the Cave, some calling it the Commons, and it seemed everything happened here. There was a time it wasn’t flooded.

The Accuser stopped and looked out across the sea, straining against the perpetual twilight to catch sight of what bearing might be the Foundry, his eventual destination. His eye caught something to the side, and he saw the Ogre, punk and proud, laughing his head off in ways that made everybody around him nervous. The Platypus quivered and stepped in one direction as if escaping the force of the laughter. The knife didn’t help much. The Ogre left, disliking the apathy and disdain of the “weak”, and walked by. It stopped at the Accuser… then gave a kind of half-snort and walked on.

The Accuser, however, did not brush him off. Everybody knew the Ogre would follow the Storm, and his business was with the Storm.

* * * * *

The Storm wasn’t difficult to find, but it could not always be found. It stood now in a crowd of green skin and strange, stilted walks and bouncing arms, conversing about whatever it is occupied such minds as those gathered there. Looking at the Storm, the Accuser realized it was true. The Storm was never what anybody expected to see – a form cloaked in a couple too many layers, scarf over face and canvass over body. Certainly not what a “Storm” should look like.

But it isn’t that kind of storm, is it?

The Storm knew the Works, the back ways in and out of places, and it was said the Storm could see through the eyes that looked at it. Following it was difficult – there were always many distinct ways to get from where you were to where you were going, and always many ways out from wherever you were standing.

The Accuser considered acting right then, but the Bear walked by and looked towards the Storm. It paused for a moment then sniffed in a noncommittal way before moving on. The Rector was doubtless about now, and the Beast was already conversing. And at any rate, the Ogre was there and laughing its head off at the Storm, and the Ogre was always trouble.

Now was not the time.

* * * * *

The Accuser walked along the pier, this time looking to the boats moored. He had studied the Storm and knew something of its company if not its movements. It wasn’t long before he found the ship he’d looked for – the Conestoga had sailed the Devonian Sea since it had appeared there, not so long ago as people might think but longer than most could remember. Her captain sat a crate on the pier, staring out in no particular direction.

“Hello, there.”

The Captain looked up. “You’re the Accuser.”

“And you’re the Captain of the Conestoga. I was wondering, what’s the quickest way to the Foundry?”

“Depends. If it’s sailing, the fastest way is aboard the Granfalloon. That’s the Storm’s vessel, but it rarely sails with the Storm. The Storm prefers to walk the Works. But a swifter route that it often takes on its return is the Sharp Route. I wouldn’t recommend it though, not unless you know you can walk the hour it’ll take you to cross without sitting or lying down.”

The Accuser thought about this. “If the Storm takes that path, it must be convenient. Thank you.”

The Captain still had more to say. “The sea tells me that you’re a hero. You don’t want to cross with the Storm.”

The Accuser looked below the waterline of the Conestoga and saw the “sea” to which the Captain referred – a shimmer surrounding the ship below the waterline and movements within that shimmer, movements looking like things in the sea, like fish, sometimes jewels, even people… anything that may be a lure. The Accuser nodded to the Captain and walked away.

* * * * *

The Sharp Route was part of the Air Tunnels. Back when the Devonian Sea was a large empty hollow, walkways were built from stalactite to stalactite and from stalagmite to stalagmite, linking the different parts together. When it was flooded, many of the Air Tunnels disappeared entirely under the depths, while others lost any purpose except to act as a navigational hazard.

The Sharp Route was an unusual road. Other than the Works, it was the only way between the Reservation and the Commons. The Route was first made by the Storm, and its only purpose was a direct path between the two sites. The Sharp Route only went between those two points – there were no true branches.

Its style was obvious – the road was just wide enough to allow for a slight misstep without falling. It wasn’t a tightrope, but nor was it a true walkway. It went from stalactite to stalactite, extremely high off the ground. The only place where one could pass another is at the stalactites, where the Route wrapped around, branching and then remerging at the other side. The oddity of it was its height – the Storm detested heights, but at the same time never seemed to hesitate about them.

The Accuser waited at the first twist of the Sharp Route. He’d taken the path at a run, which was not really dangerous but for the faded twilight so high off the Devonian. He stood at the far end of the first stalactite, peering gently around to watch for the coming of his quarry. Surely enough, after a time he saw the all-too-heavily cloaked figure of the Storm, its Akubra being the most striking feature and the most dead giveaway.

The Accuser prepared to strike. The Storm could come around either side, but the Accuser was ready. He didn’t draw his blade – he didn’t need it. He knew the Storm. He’d studied it for so long. The footsteps came closer. Then came the one important one, the one that was close enough.

* * * * *

The Storm was caught off-guard. The Accuser leapt out and grabbed the scruff of his collar with a hand-full of scarf. They struggled a bit, but the Storm didn’t seem to be resisting so much as delaying. However, the Storm never did seem that strong. “I am the Accuser. I am a hero. My job is to kill monsters. I know you. I’ve studied you, and I know how you are weak. The Sea will take you now. Now I have you.”

The Storm still didn’t struggle, even as he was pushed towards the all-to-near ledge. But then the Storm spoke. “What have you got?”

There was a thunderous roar, and dust and smoke filled the area. It seemed to clear, or perhaps just peel back. He was in the Commons again, and everybody was there. But they all were looking at him, and they all had the same gaze, even when their faces were totally different. They all looked up at him, took notice, and even those who didn’t know him seemed to understand things about him. The Accuser, for a moment, was the Accused.

* * * * *

Then the smoke cleared. He no longer held the scuff of the Storm’s neck, but merely an envelope. Suddenly there was a voice behind him, and the Accuser fell over, nearly falling off the Route. He turned over, and there was the Storm.

“Fear isn’t weakness.” The Storm’s eerie unblinking gaze settled on the Accuser, its eyes lacking irises, being only black spots on white background. But it wasn’t looking at the Accuser, it was looking at the envelope. He looked at it for a moment – it was fine stationary paper, and when he turned it over on the front was printed, in fine gold lettering in a spidery script, a name – “ACCUSER”.

The Accuser began to go cold and he looked up to the Storm wondering when the next attack was going to come, but the Storm was gone. Silently, it had simply vanished. The Accuser looked back at the envelope and opened it. Within it was a folded piece of stationary. When he opened it, though, there was nothing on it – no text, no letterhead, not even a watermark.

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

Cyanide_sweet's first fan-fic. Demonstraiting again just how crazy we all are in The Elder Cave.
cyanide_sweet wrote:I hope you guys like it and that I didn't miss anyone! Okay... here goes...

1000th Post Fan Fic:

Ugh, I am way too stressed out! Planning this party for my 1000th Post Anniversary is going to make me go crazy! Maybe I should make a schedule to try and keep myself organized...
1. Make sure the room is ready:
Okay, let’s see: I’ve already borrowed zgwortz torture chamber and thankfully DnE and MS volunteered to clear out his stuff for the evening. Maybe I should check in on how that’s going. Uh oh. Looks like Asaryu and MS got a bit distracted with the *ahem* equipment. And where’s Dirty and Evil disappeared to?

2. Check if the refreshments are ready:
Wow! The kitchen looks super busy! Alison is covered in whipped cream and is that T2B I see trying to clean her up a bit? OH NO! Pepperkitty PLEASE do not get your paws in there! I don’t want any fur in the cake! And who is that slumped in the corner? BEAR? He’s surrounded by empty Bailey’s bottles! What are we supposed to drink now? The bubbliebaff water? I DON’T THINK SO! Uh oh... maybe I can convince LSD to pick me up some drinks if she’s not too busy supervising the kitchen... who else isn’t doing anything... I know! Tenjen! Maybe I can convince him to get Bear cleaned up in time!

3. Check on the music:
Ah finally! The first thing this evening that is going alright! Phoenix and my Sith Lord are sitting together, working on a list of songs to play. Other than a bit of bickering over which metal song goes when, they seem to be agreeing. Play nice kiddies! And you might want to reconsider all that Blind Guardian... people want to dance, not mosh.

4. Decorations:
Morwen and lollipop cuts are making sure everything looks lovely for tonight. Ithilion is supervising. Looks like he’s having fun! Uh oh! A dog just came charging through, tearing down a banner! Oh it’s just Koda... can’t be too mad at thaldin for that, Koda and thaldin are both too cute to stay mad at for long.

5. My outfit:
I left Mythiene, SidewaysPlatypus, sway, and posseforlife to pick out something for me. Yay! It’s not anything pink and sparkly! I was worried that they would bring Frankie shopping. I’ll have to give them all a big hug later. It’s a cute black dress and matching pumps! I shouldn’t be too surprised, they all have excellent taste, especially sway. Oh dear... looks like Pneu picked out some lingerie to go with the dress... I am SO not going to wear that! Too bad Dryope isn’t here, I’m sure she would have had a cute brass gear necklace I could borrow...


Ah... looks like everything is going good! Looks like I have some time to relax... wait... Frankie! Where are you going with that cake?!?! FRANKIE!!!!

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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

Asaryu's second fan-fic, summing up pretty much how we are all feeling at this time hoping that Alisonchan is okay.
Asaryu wrote:It's short, but it means something to me. I couldn't put everyone in it, but feel free to add your own paragraph if you feel left out.

2000th Post fanfic

A minute's silence

On the pirateship in the grotto, giggles can be heard emanating from the captain's quarters, and the silhouette of the occasional unimaginable limb will flare across the windows in the candlelight. While the two love-birds romp and play at pictionary, they finally come across a word that gives them both pause from their jovial game and they think of a friend who is alone, and may be scared and hurting, but who they can't help.

On the balcony overlooking the bubblibaff, the Ebil sith-lord, Don and his sithling, Cyanide_sweet practice their dark arts in illusion. Occasionally they giggle and throw images of the forumites making funny faces at each other, until Don chooses the cutest of them all, and the giggling stops while they both wonder where she is, and what she's doing.

LadySheDevil scurries about in her kitchen, making the next days worth of Chocolate-Chip-Baileys cookies, trying to prevent a pudgy little ninja-kitty from stealing all the ingredients. LSD is laughing and shouting when she comes across a dollop of whipped cream behind the cupboard. Both LSD and the Peppercat stop and think of the person who managed to get it there, making a feast for a loved-one who saved her.

A large kodiak bear, and a green-skinned guard flick through the posts for the day, assessing the pictures. They laugh at the funny ones, and hide away the raunchy ones for 'assessment'. Bear stops every now and again to let Dirty 'n' Evil regain his composure, and they move on...wondering why they seem different. Eventually they both flick back through the archives to solve the problem and come across the bubbly and vivacious person that is missing. They both quieten, and silently wish her luck.

In the grove, Morwen practices with her rayneblades while the other shadow-minion sits making daisy-chains. Ithilion meditates close-by, bringing forth the images of the day so that his mind may settle in peace and balance. Eventually, a frown creases his brow and he appears to struggle breifly with some internal conflict. Both the shadow-minions look up to see what is troubling their master and upsetting his balance when finally the image comes forth and all three fall silent with understanding.

It is midnight, and the forum is silent except for the sounds of a single bear. The pink fluff on his belly rises and falls sharply with his sobs, and some of his flowers fall gently from his fur when he shifts his weight. Frankie sits with his head down and his legs scrunched beneath him, too tired and miserable for anything more than dry-sobbing, as he waits and worries. Sitting on Alisonchan's bed, he holds her stuffies close and thinks about where she is and what might be happening. In the adjacent room, Teacher2B lies awake, listening to his vigil, and worrying for them both.

We miss you Alisonchan, and I hope you're okay.

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Bear
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Re: The Kilo-Post Fan-Fics

Post by Bear »

In a forumiverse, not very far away... DnE's first fan-fic!
Dirty n Evil wrote:Well, I crammed a bit to get this done without dragging my heels too much... so I present to you the most ridiculously long winded fanfic yet. Hope everyone enjoys!

Not that long ago in an Internet forum far, far away...

(Play Music Cue#1)

Episode X
THE ELDER CAVE

It is a time of great concern for the New Jedi Order. Their gathered forces had pursued DARTH ALEXANDER and his apprentice CYANIDE SWEET to the planet PIXITRIX. Eager to rescue PRINCESS ALISONCHAN and FRANKIE the Wookie from their clutches, the loose band of rescuers fly there in hopes of swiftly freeing their friend and keeping safe the flow of Bailey's liquor throughout the universe...




Lingering near the cockpit of the pirate vessel, D'Nee attempted to keep his composure as his teachers had taught him. The flickering lights of the controls illuminating his face, Captain Midge deftly handled the landing at the site they'd identified as being near the complex where Darth Alexander and his followers held prisoner the hostages. The privateer pilot leaned forwards slightly in his seat as they softly settled onto the landing pad, his long mane of hair a mark of his independent nature as no proper space guild would accept a pilot of his rakish appearance. Besides him was the lovely Twi'lek Asaryu, his equal as a pilot but the reason the sometimes pirate was so envied in this quadrant.

A hand softly touched D'Nee on the shoulder, his fellow Jedi Teetoo Bi. As he looked back at her, she smiled soothingly and spoke in her Alderann accented voice. "You're anxious. There may still be a chance that we might still achieve some measure of peace through negotiations." He reached back, his own emerald skin stark against her paler human hue, and squeezed lightly at her hand.

"I have a bad feeling about this, that is all." She would nod, and as the pilots finished their checklists the both of them went back towards the conference room on the vessel. Primarily a freighter, it had been fitted this flight as a personnel transport. Seated in the chairs that lined the periphery of the makeshift conference room, they numbered a dozen from all across the galaxy. Some of them adjusted their blasters, or watched expectantly as Master Bear began their final briefing before setting out.

With a slight brush at his whiskered chin, Master Bear reached back towards the screen in the wall and pulled up the holographic display of the compound before gesturing to the waiting troops. "We have the elusive Pneumonica to thank for our intelligence - let us all remember that without Pneu's accomplishments, we wouldn't be as well prepared for this action." D'Nee gave a wry smirk privately, for knowing the Clawdite Pneu his information was likely the result of some perverted indulgence or another - like all of his race, he could be whichever gender he chose. "Our schematics show that the eastern entrance leads the most direct route to the holding cells. Teetoo Bi, you shall lead Lady SexyDevil and Peppercat in this direction to see if you can't find Princess Alisonchan."

As a whole, the crew agreed on that assignment. The diminutive Peppercat was by far the most elusive and slippery, plus coupled with the assistance of the hearty Lady and a Jedi their chances were good. Glad to be such a key part of the mission, she danced about a bit in her seat with an impish grin. Master Bear continued, his hand pointing towards the framework hologram floating in the air before him. "I shall lead the main forces down the northern entrance with D'Nee. At this primary intersection, our forces will split up as I head directly for the Bailey's surplus as D'Nee heads towards the operations center to further confuse matters. Tenjen, Scaramouche, Azrael, and Posse 4-Life will split off with me. Phoenix, Fen, Thaldin and Koda will head off with D'Nee."

The Lynx headed Tenjen just grinned and nodded as he readied his E-5 blaster carbine. The steely eyed Scaramouche and Posse 4-Life seemed ready to bolt out the hatch as soon as it was opened, ready for action. Posse was a fellow pirate like Captain Midge, but had taken quickly to the rest of the company. D'Nee looked at Phoenix, a soldier for hire not that you'd know it by the fine cut of his outfit. But the pair of blaster pistols at his hips had seen more than their fair share of wear. Azrael was another professional solider, but always with the playful comments and jokes. Always the mischief maker. The armored Thaldin ruffled the fur of Koda, the pair of them having joined the other Jedi for several other missions... but Fen was the most enigmatic one of the bunch. From what D'Nee understood, she didn't even consume any alcohol anymore, much less Bailey's. In the few days she had been about, each day her hair had been dyed a different color.

A slight squeak was heard as the seal of the departure ramp was lowered out the back of the freighter, the crew already splitting off as Teetoo Bi pulled up the brown hood of her robes. "May the force be with you." She smiled sweetly, then moved off as the left in comparison to the remainder of the team into the cool night air. The complex in question appeared to be nothing of great importance, only an aged warehouse complex with years of disuse and even some spots of rust. However, D'Nee wasn't thrown in the least, as Pneumonica had always been reliable in the past. Posse 4-Life simply moved to the access panel, prying open the keypad to deactivate any alarm or locking mechanism.

Master Bear and D'Nee were the first to turn, even before the blast doors suddenly shut in front of the entrance with a sharp hiss of hydraulics and clanking metal. Behind them were Ithilion in his black robes, with his companion Morwen. They were flanked by at least thirty Sponge Monkey Troupers, their hideous bulging eyed faces the only thing to see beneath the nearly insect-like carapace of white body armor. Master Bear drew his double bladed lightsaber, crying out. "It's a trap!"

The soft violet color of Master Bear's lightsaber was very much like the renowned Mace Windu, where D'Nee possessed a blade of the more common green hue. It was in the selection of lightsaber handle that his weapon was the most unusual, being of the curved-hilt design like the now infamous Count Dooku. Ithilion didn't move immediately, instead drawing a hand from within his robes as his hand crackled with the black energy of force lightning. Morwen crouched low in her form fitting Mabari armorweave body suit, a long barreled blaster sporting pistol cradled within her palms. They were hoping their superior numbers would discourage the band into abandoning. They didn't understand how special Princess Alisonchan was.

All it took was a tiny nod from his Master, and Jedi Knight D'Nee headed towards Morwen with a flurry of lightsaber swings as Master Bear approached Ithilion. Force lightning crackled against the dual bladed lightsaber blade, and it took all of D'Nee's sense of the force to deflect Morwen's carefully aimed shots. Behind the two, the sounds of blaster fire resounded and echoed from about the concourse as the entire crew began to fire out shots towards the hideous Sponge Monkey Troopers. All except Posse 4-Life, still diligently reworking the circuitry despite the shots coming far too close to her very often.

The advantage of the curved-hilt design was one that aided with melee combat, not with the deflection of blaster bolts. D'Nee struggled as he attempted to close the distance with Morwen, her fierce eyes piercing him even as her shots unerringly would have struck him dead if he but missed one. He attempted to move about her, but she adjusted with him and circled in the same clockwise manner. Behind him, D'Nee could hear Master Bear grunt as the flickering sparks of force lightning stung where not blocked by either blade of his own lightsaber.

Bear called out, "Now!" Without pause, from Morwen's next shot D'Nee didn't block - he stepped out of the way. The shot struck Ithilion in the back, and he crumbled to the hard floor. Morwen cried out in anguish at her injured lover, but it was then that Master Bear reached forwards with a free hand and used the force to push her off her feet and knock unconscious herself. Looking at the emerald skinned Jedi Knight, Master Bear grinned softly and gave a nod of his head as the maneuver was well executed.

The Sponge Monkeys were cloned abominations, and while the Jedi never enjoyed taking life it was with a certain duty that they worked along with their fellow combatants to eradicate every one of them. Posse 4-Life gave an excited exclamation of glee as both the blast doors and main doors withdrew, the dim amber light of the facility casting over the group in the Pixitrix night. Following Master Bear's cue, they marched inside with weapons at the ready.

Their footfalls padding against the grated floor, it became quickly apparent that the floor plan was quite different from the one Pneu had managed. There was no intersection, no bend for D'Nee to separate with his group. It all lead to one single chamber with a raised dais in the center possessing a giant screen of the many star systems. Darth Alexander's fondness for regarding the stars and their movements was well documented, and not at all surprising considering his conquering nature. He was seated on a throne at the center of the dias, his darkly beautiful apprentice standing at his right. Cyanide Sweet's feet were set broadly, her shoulders square. The stance of one prepared for a fight. Around the periphery of the chamber, armed Sponge Monkey Troupers stood with blaster rifles at the ready.

(Play Music Cue#2)

"Did you really think I was simply going to sit back from my high vantage and hiss at you as you came and invaded my sanctum? Your time is through, Bear. Now is the time for me and my Sithling to rule Pixitrix, and the universe beyond!" On cue, Cyanide Sweet reached towards her belt and drew a pair of scarlet hued lightsaber blades. Her silken chocolate hair half falling before her features, smiling in anticipation of the conflict. Koda started to growl softly in the back of his throat, eager to leap at one of the foul Sponge Monkey Troopers. That's when the clanking noise began.

The heavy footfalls on the dias, moving from behind the large throne that Darth Alexander sat. He simply chuckled as the metal monstrosity revealed itself. Blast-0-88, a hunter droid that D'Nee had encountered once before in combat and nearly lost his life too. For the Princess, he was willing to face that soulless killing machine again when he heard Phoenix step up behind him with a twirl of his paired pistols. "I have that one." Looking over at the well groomed soldier as they gave a crooked smile to one another, it seemed rather quickly to happen all at once.

Darth Alexander started to reach towards the many loose canisters about the great hall, throwing them at Master Bear who parried both with his sabers and his own force pushes. A hail of blaster fire erupted between Phoenix and Blast-0-88, both figures firing off their weapons inhumanly fast. The Sponge Monkey Troopers formed ranks against the allies, shots filling the air with their harsh blasts. Cyanide Sweet held her two lightsabers at her sides, and dashed down the stairs towards D'Nee.

When one is fully in tune with the force and combating another figure who is likewise manipulating it, there are few words that can completely describe the experience. D'Nee was aware that he was blocking thrusts and slices that his eye could barely register, stepping off of a crate to twirl over Cyanide's head and blocking even as he did so from a stab she made upwards at him. There were conscious choices, and tactics were openly employed on many levels. D'Nee was careful not to lean too heavily into one of her lightsabers as he blocked it despite his superior size and mass, for then he would be too slow to recover and block the other hand's swipe. It was like both watching the forming ripples in a pond, and being the pond at the same time. The air hummed as she spun and they danced about each other, both looking for that one opening to finish the match.

Around them, he felt the battle raging more than he could concentrate on it. Thaldin the Mandalorian lumbering through ranks of the enemy as their shots glanced off his armor, Koda flanking them and disrupting them further. Phoenix had one arm hanging limply at his side now, but worse than himself Blast-0-88 was sputtering and sparking as servo's misfired from the excessive damage to his systems. Tenjen seemed to be almost gleefully leaping out from behind cover, setting out a spray of blaster shots. Scaramouche careful chose each of his shots, but felled an opponent with each pull of the trigger. A loud boom heard every time Azrael manage to aim his grenade rifle towards a grouping of enemy troopers. Even still, the battle was turning against them slowly but surely. A lightsaber swipe came close enough that D'Nee could feel the energy off of the edge on his cheek, heard it singe the fabric of his tunic simply by proximity.

That's when the back wall of the room exploded, briefly sending a pause through the fighting. Through the smoke more shots rang out, as Captain Midge and the lavender skinned Asaryu came through with their own blaster rifles. They were followed by the shapes of Teetoo Bi with her azure lightsaber and Pepperkitty who quickly found a tiny crook from within which to take aim at the Sponge Monkeys. The extra forces were good, but what truly rallied them to redouble their efforts was the angelic features of the Princess Alisonchan, clutched protectively by her brightly hued Wookie companion Frankie. Lady SexyDevil was looking over the pair of them with her medical field kit and addressing minor injuries, but mostly ensuring with her presence that they weren't overcome so soon after their hard won freedom.

D'Nee attempted to catch Cyanide off guard as she looked towards the new arrivals, but she didn't need to glance his way as one of her glowing blades raised high to block his overhand blow. He retreated a step and she closed the distance. The longer they stayed engaged with one another, the longer neither of them could further assist the remainder of the fight. The youth Sithling grew impatient, further pressing him back until they came to one of the side walls of the chamber.

Teetoo Bi wasn't as active a combatant with her lightsaber, instead using her weapon far more to deflect the many blaster bolts headed towards her and the easily spotted target of the giant pink Wookie that wrapped itself around Princess Alisonchan. Darth Alexander was heartily laughing as object after object was thrown in Master Bear's direction - but truly, neither of them was yet gaining the upper hand. They were too evenly matched. D'Nee wondered just how long the battle would rage at this point, his back pressed against the cold surface of the blastwall.

Cyanide's lightsaber was deflected to the side of him, carving out a gouge of the blastwall but subtly slowing as it did so with the sharp tang of molten metal. Their weapons had been developed to cut through almost every material, but not as though they possessed no substance. There was always some slight resistance. This brought a thought to D'Nee's mind as the shifted his hold on his curved-hilt saber to a more defensive position. He blocked and guided her blows one after the other to the side, without much effort towards attacking. This meant she pressed even harder, putting more of her weight into each strike. D'Nee waited until the perfect thrust was made, and he deliberately deflected her lightsaber into the wall behind him. He wasn't caught off guard as her other blade swung about to his side, able to bring his own saber about to block it as well.

It was in that split second before her first lightsaber came free and the second one could attack at him again that D'Nee acted. Stepping towards her, he placed his heel behind her foremost foot, and in one motion brought his free hand about and pressed forcefully on her shoulder. She went down quickly, and with no hand free to stop her fall the impact of the back of her head with the ground knocked her cold. As a precautionary measure, D'Nee reached out with his green tinted hand and used the force just enough to scatter her lightsabers least she awaken too soon and become a threat in combat once again.

With the reinforcements coming in from an unprepared side, the Sponge Monkey Troopers were struggling harder to find cover against the constant bolts of blaster fire. Their numbers were dwindling, and slowly but surely the allies of the New Jedi Order were cutting down the forces gathered by the Dark Lord of the Scrith. That would only last as long as the struggle between Master Bear and Darth Alexander were deadlocked in combat, much as D'Nee had been with Cyanide Sweet. With a run and a leap aided by his connection to the force, the Jedi Knight flipped up onto the dias with their most daunting opponent.

His feet hadn't even landed before he was forced to block a swing by Darth Alexander's lightsaber, its crimson energy wielded confidently between both of his hands when it hadn't even been drawn moments before. He'd not gained his position by being weak in any aspect of the force, but by D'Nee engaging him in a lightsaber duel it forced him to divide his attention with Master Bear. Allowing the leader of the band to join up with D'Nee on the dias, its raised position allowing a higher perspective over the fight about them almost like a balcony seat in a theater.

Every swing by the Dark Lord bore his strength behind it, each action fully dedicated as he continued to challenge the pair of Jedi with many quick arrivals of objects being thrown at them from all directions. There was even the occasional blaster shot from their friends offered up towards the battling Jedi, but not so frequent as their movements were too constant and fluid to offer a great chance without striking one of their friends.

D'Nee concentrated a thought towards both Master Bear and Peppercat. Peppercat, fire your blaster pistol at Master Bear. He saw her give pause with a cant of her head as though the force had finally addled his perceptions of who was friend and who was foe, but the leader of the Jedis simply grinned softly as he caught on. Master Bear withdrew slightly from the direct clash of lightsabers, briefly leaving the task to the Jedi Knight who was so well accomplished with the talent of lightsaber combat. Wary but not allowing the opportunity to go to waste, Darth Alexander and D'Nee met with the sparking impact of their sabers striking each other again and again.

Peppercat raised her pistol, and aiming carefully at Master Bear let off three blaster bolts. A Jedi prepared and one with the force can easily deflect blaster fire, even redirect it towards another target. To attempt to do the same from shots that ricocheted from such close proximity was perhaps beyond the ability of the great Master Yoda himself. As Master Bear twirled his twin lightsabers, it was to Darth Alexander's credit that he was able to pivot in time to block one of the two bolts that had managed to rebound towards him. The fabric of his robe smoking from where he was struck in the chest, his lightsaber fell from his hands as he himself stumbled off the back of the dias and fell towards the ground.

While disturbing and abhorrent, the Sponge Monkey Troopers did not fall without a fight. With the two additional Jedi added to the mix, it was simply a matter of time before they were finished. As soon as the threat was no more, Teetoo Bi extinguished her own lightsaber and quickly took Princess Alisonchan into her arms for a truly warm hug. Many of the members of the rescue party rushed over to join her, pleased to see that they had been successful in their mission. Frankie wanted someone to hug as well, and lifted the unsuspecting Tenjen up into his rose colored pelt.

Something drew D'Nee's senses to look off towards a far corner, and he barely saw in time Cyanide Sweet closing a hatch. The slumped figure of Darth Alexander within the compartment, and after the doors closed the sound of flight engines roared. An escape shuttle rocketed off into the night, allowing another opportunity for the Sith and his Sithling to threaten the galaxy with their plots. Still, the day was a victory, and the whole of the entourage moved with purpose towards Captain Midge's freighter. Princess Alisonchan was again amongst them, and all was well.

It was only once they set off again that D'Nee approached the figure of Fen who silently repaired her equipment that bore the marks of several very close blast marks. As he asked her about why she was part of their band, she looked up to him with her striking blue eyes. "The cheese that you Jedi offer as payment is second to none."



The End


Hope everyone enjoyed... I really, truly tried to include most every as you can see. And now, I think I've indulged myself in more Star Wars-y goodness than I've ever wanted. =))

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