Pixie Trix Comix & Hiveworks Community

Why can cheetahs not play hide-and-go-seek?














They are always spotted.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?











ELEPHINO!!!

Every once in a while, my mom sends me some really good ones!

Pay special attention to the words and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious. It comes from a catholic elementary school test.

Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following 25 statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the Redsea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battleof Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

It's like reading the Jeff Foxworthy Redneck Bible or something.

After the teen years comes adultery.
;)

Did you hear about the Spanish magician?









He went, "Uno!" "Dos!" And then he disappeared without a tres.

How do you make a tissue dance?














You put a little boogie in it.

Q. Why is Eric Clapton like instant coffee?
Q. Because without Cream he sucks.

Why can't Skeletons go Trick-or-Treating?

They have no body to go with.




Did you hear about that great new restaurant on the Moon?

Great food with no atmosphere.

What sound plays when you finish a to-do list?
I invented that today. All blame is on me. Now, if only I could finish my to-do lists...

Never bring a dog named "Shark" to the beach.

What do you call a Roman with a pubic hair in his teeth?



Glad He Ate Her



What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea?



Well, I wouldn't pay two hundred dollars to have a lentil on my face.

What do you call it when someone who isn't a father makes a dad joke ?

More jokes sent by my mom!

Now That I'm Older...

My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It's weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember...Don't sing!

If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can't think of a word say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don't even like.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: "That's a load of 2020." or "What in the 2020." or "abso-2020-lutely."

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

What is a stormtrooper's favourite store?




The one next to the Target.