[Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Are you looking for tips on how to get started as a comic/manga artist? Maybe you're looking for feedback on works you've already created. Then this is the forum for you! (Note: Ported from Gomanga.com)

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JustSarah
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by JustSarah » Wed May 11, 2011 10:59 pm

Well do you have any advice then on a better way to develop characters, or are you just going to speak negative about it?

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Lord Styphon
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by Lord Styphon » Thu May 12, 2011 2:20 am

Maybe you could tell us something, anything, about the story you want to tell with these characters. The story you're presumably developing these characters for. You've neglected to do that. Even some kind of description of where they are would be nice; what little we've been given suggests they're in prison, but from what's there it isn't clear. They could have broken out, or been released, since no prison worthy of the title would allow an inmate to wear knee-high boots. Hell, we don't even know if these guys are the protagonists or not.

You've given us some basic physical descriptions and the barest of backstories, and that's it. You need to give us more.

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shutupadrian
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by shutupadrian » Thu May 12, 2011 3:24 am

JustSarah wrote:Well the topic creator said I could go ahead and show my stuff. Now I still need to do the basic, but this is the intro:

There is Deadlock, a mass sniper that murdered a family of three, and is the right hand man of Mitchell, a career thief that was caught stealing a pack of ramen noodles. Deadlock has a broad nose, long Deadlock hair bound into a ponytail. Deadlock enjoys picking prison fights that frequently land hims in solitary confinement.
Mitchell is a short blond man, who’s body is so thin, it looks like its about to snap. Mitchell, unlike Deadlock, has only had a history of minor crimes, such as hacking into cyber security systems, and car theft.
Across the hall, is a young man in a white prison jump suit, and black boots that go up to his knees. He has a history of coning old people out of their money, and then murdering them. Convicted of 3 murders, he is suspected of about 25 unsolved cases.

I'll continue it later. And if this isn't a good place to put it, I can move it.
First thought: Fuck, I'm out of coffee.

Second thought: Keep in mind that there's a Marvel character named Deathlok, which is different enough in name and not even remotely similar in execution. I wouldn't think it's a big deal whether you change the character's name or not, but at least be aware of it. (if you already aren't.)

Okay, so from what I gather, we got three career criminals, two of which are extremely dangerous, the other is... ...of a more intellectual sort. This could go in a number of ways, the three team up and misadventures ensue, or Jackbootsguy is your key antagonist.

The pairing of the big thug with skinny guy is a bit of a trope, the example that comes up to mind (how convenient that a friend had just lent me the trade paperbacks) is Eric Powell's 'The Goon.' In that one, you got big thughish strongarm guy paired with little scrawny guy, and they go about town fighting zombies and other supernatural miscellany. While you're developing your characters, I'd find it more ultimately more interesting if there was some twist or new angle with that.

I'll go ahead and assume your story is not a comedy, given that it'd be difficult (but not impossible, I'm sure) of making light of MURDERING A FAMILY OF THREE.

Wait. Now that I re-read your intro, you never actually specified that sniperguy is the thuggish type. In fact, I kinda missed your mentioning of him being a sniper in the first place. I must have assumed he was the big body from your saying he "enjoys picking prison fights."

Okay, so you might be able to disregard most of what I've said thus far.

At any rate, what you've given us here is "where things are at the beginning before any conflict that drives the plot is introduced." It's got potential. Even if they don't break out and you keep it about the dynamics confined within the prison between these three characters, it could be interesting.

One thing you should check, however, is whether physically dangerous criminals (maximum security) would be in the same prison as minor criminals. We've heard of blue-collar crime, and those guys are usually in less secure compounds. If I'm right that murderers are kept in different types of prisons than cyber-criminals in real life, it'll be up to you to show us how/why the prison system in your story's world functions a little differently.

Keep it up.

JustSarah
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by JustSarah » Sat May 14, 2011 3:51 am

Basically where I'm going with, is that they break out, and they must survive in a desert, armed only with rifles, and they must
survive for as long as they can before.
This of coarse one of my limited series.
Deadlock (A pun on dreadlock), has gun problems. Mitchell suffers from malnutrition, and Bootplug has zero care for his own safety.
Personality wise, bootplug is like Alex, Mitchell is like georgie, and deadlock is like Dim, who is very dim. I'm hoping i can pony this. Oh thy yarbles to thee and thine.

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shutupadrian
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by shutupadrian » Sat May 14, 2011 4:03 am

Bit of the ol' ultra-violence, then?

Seems you're missing some young devotchkas come to think of it, but I suppose that can be flushed with the rabble your droogs come across.

So, the byline: "Three career criminals break out of a prison and must survive a desert for..."

Freedom? Revenge? Love?

JustSarah
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by JustSarah » Sat May 14, 2011 4:49 am

To work together, so they can get away from the law.

Good news: Just got myself some angle references. That has been my weakness of drawing, which is why
I didnt show my drawings earlier. Maybe I can show Dr. Richard Melville.

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shutupadrian
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by shutupadrian » Sat May 14, 2011 4:58 am

Hm. Seems to me it might need something a bit more than just 'escape from the law,' as in your characters need more motivation (Why wouldn't Deadlock just be satisfied with picking prison fights for the duration of his sentence? Maybe the law in this world especially oppressive?)

That said, what you have might be enough if you could execute it really well.

JustSarah
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by JustSarah » Sat May 14, 2011 5:10 am

Well its always been my shtick to add a unique trauma to each character. I want to make them all sympethetic, but an abuse scenario is slightly cliche.

Ah, i got it for BootPlug and Mitchell. Ever since the end of world war three, the population was forced to attapt to living inside, because of the extensive radiation. With ammo, and food hard to come buy, poeple were forced to ration out supplies.

Here is where the conflict comes in. Mitchell and BootPlug grew up without parents, and was forced to
live scronging for food where they can find it. BootPlug evolved to conning poeple out of food to survive, and Mitchell resorted to out right stealing.

Still havent thought of anything for Deadlock. But the main premise is a physical, social, emotional, and psychological survival.

Edit: Abandoned by his parents for a reptilian child as a young boy, Deadlock was forced to adapt to gang life, and eating rats and bugs to survive.
But eventually his life got better, being forced to sell drugs to make a living. One time, a young man owed him money for drugs, so Deadlock sniped all three of them, landing him in maximum security.

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shutupadrian
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by shutupadrian » Sat May 14, 2011 6:26 am

Cool, and that all should serve your characters well.

But what I think is missing is some more immediate motivation.

Such as,
Mitchell: "I can't stay in this here jail. There's this dame that's strugglin' and I know of this score that'll set her up for life."
Deadlock: "I gotta get outta here. I gotta kill my folks for what they done to me ."
Bootplug: "Actually, I was just gonna live out my sentence here. Maybe start a prison dance crew. I only got six months left, but you guys just seemed like SO MUCH FUN."

Anyways. Maybe not exactly that, but something that gives them a strong reason to get out of there and drive the plot forward.

JustSarah
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by JustSarah » Sat May 14, 2011 6:38 am

Would it be a problem if I use those, until I come up with better ones?

Also, their are aliens, but they have a role similar to hannibal lectur. Pulling the strings, but takes a backseat.

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shutupadrian
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by shutupadrian » Sat May 14, 2011 6:57 am

JustSarah wrote:Would it be a problem if I use those, until I come up with better ones?
Heh. Well, if you really want to, go ahead. :)
Also, their are aliens, but they have a role similar to hannibal lectur. Pulling the strings, but takes a backseat.
That could be pretty cool.

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Lord Styphon
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by Lord Styphon » Sat May 14, 2011 7:44 am

Okay, going with how this story has mutated, I have these questions/comments.

Why are there maximum security prisons, functional cyberspace that has hackers running around in it, working automobiles, old people with money to steal and law and order in a post-apocalyptic setting? All of these things require civilization to exist, and nuclear holocausts tend to destroy that, or at the very least seriously retard it.

If BootPlug (wow, that's a stupid name) is a known thief and con-artist in this post-apocalyptic world, as well as a murderer, why is he in any kind of prison and not dead? In worlds such as the one you seem to be talking about, without the benefits of civilization, if people care enough to hunt him down, he's more likely to end up hanged on the spot than thrown into whatever slammer there is.

Why is Deadlock a sniper anyway? Everything you've come up with for him suggest him to be a hot-tempered thug who likes to get up close and personal with people and has only known desperation his entire life. He seems to lack the qualities needed to be a sniper, especially patience, which he'd never had any chance to learn.


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yesterdayshero
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by yesterdayshero » Tue May 24, 2011 3:54 am

Is this for critique? if so Panty's face looks a bit werid, but then again if that's the style its fine, the fingers to they're too simple...
ImageImage

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Dai
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Re: [Critique Corner] Everyone welcome

Post by Dai » Sat Jul 02, 2011 1:47 pm

I figured that I should probably share what I've been working on lately. I've been drawing webcomics during the past month, I'd like to know if there's anything you guys think I should change or improve on before I work on the next ones:

Strip 01
Strip 02
Strip 03

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