Black And White need feedback

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lashagiorgi
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Joined: Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:50 pm

Black And White need feedback

Post by lashagiorgi » Thu Mar 17, 2011 2:56 pm

I realy like to know people's opinion.I used to write poetry.First time writing a light novel.

Image
Name:Black And White
Genre: Action,Comedy,ecchi,Sci-Fi,scince,Super Power
Writen By:Me
Volumes:undecided

Review:
Story is about a young 18 year old boy named Rin Futaba,who thought his life was pathetic,full of misfortune and misunderstandings.His father is Europian and mother is Japanese or he was told so,until 1 day his life will change as a suspicious young girl appears in his life,who calls him master all of a sudden,tells him that he is the "Decider Of Fate" and says that he has to continue his work helping others.As the story continues he finds himself in lot of misunderstandings,misadvantures and travels all of over the world between different time dimensions and alternative realities.Time by time he discovers about his past and every precious memory he had before,was jsut an illusion.Rin's main goal is to gain knowledge,power and experience to undo the devastating reality:cataclysms,Wars,Global extermination.This fact was hidden by the girl,as she didn't wanted to reveal it yet.

P.S. story will also contain parodies of real facts,animes,movies,cartoons,but mostly it will contain own stories.

How I work:
1.Idea 2 chapters.
2.Writing the basis.
3.Correcting mistakes.
4.Rewriting corrected version on a clean sheet.
5.Reading and correcting if neccesary
6.Finishing and uploading

Note:Started correcting all of the written chapters.Chapter 1-4 fully recorrected.

Note 2:During reading you might notice i will often use japanese words,in order to express feelings,way they reffer to each other formal or informal way and also might learn few japanese this way.

Note 3:If you guys will like my novel.I'll continiue writing.Right now i'm thinkin of finishing only 1 arc wich will have about 15-18 chapters.Most action within the first arc will be in Rin's reality as story advances last 3-5 chapters will contain story in other reality.

Note 4:As I said continuation of this story depends of quantity of readers.if you like it or dislike it or want me to continue work plz at least write a comment.thanks in advance.

Note 5:If i continue story to the end there will be Borderline hentai in Third arc and few XXX in fourth arc(But I'm still thinking not do so,i'll still stick with borderline hentai.It will be like kanokon super ecchi comedy).

Note 6:Always look at the post,because i'll edit it many times in order not make too many posts.

Note 7:Finaly found 2 artists who agreed to help me with project,also found an assistant to carry out few ideas.high possibility to turn light novel into manga,but it will take a year,since those two artists are currently working on entry exams.Trying to build a small group to make the project worth of reading,than publishing.Have high hopes for this project.

Note 8:Took me long enough to think about the continuation of the story.Chapter 7,8 released.

Note 9:chapter 9 is ready,but thinking if needs any changes,Chapter 10 will contain first actions as promissed.

Note 10:Started to write version 2,made more corrections.

Fully completed Chapters:
Mediafire Folder

Fully completed Chapters V2:
Version 2


Test Chapters



Download Chapter 7
Download Chapter 8
Last edited by utareabacmav on Thu Apr 21, 2011 3:08 pm, edited 29 times in total.

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quarteni
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by quarteni » Sat Mar 19, 2011 4:34 am

Hello! Nice to meet you! Everything I say is meant with the nicest of intentions. See? ( ^ _ ^ ) Smiles!

Your English grammar and punctuation needs a lot of work. I don't know if English is a second language or what grade level you're in (one of the drawbacks of the internet), but to be honest it's kind of messy in the grammar and punctuation department. You could always have somebody proofread it for you to help out, but if you're writing in English you really need to understand the grammar a bit better. "No one" is two words. "Cya" and "Sya" are not words. There are other things beyond those points.

I'm not sure where the story is going so I won't comment too much on that for now. For a light novel it's not that bad so far.

I'll keep reading it! Ah, but I suggest a different way of sharing it outside of Megaupload. If you just want to upload PDFs then something more like Mediafire would be better. There isn't a 40-some-odd second wait before downloading.

Also, if you're open to it you can upload your written works to deviantart.com or something. That way even more people will have a chance to see it, but keep sharing here too. I'd offer more suggestions for sites, but literary works are not my forte. I can write, but I don't know much about sharing sites...

Keep it up! XD
Last edited by black rabbit 1 on Sat Mar 19, 2011 8:58 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Lord Styphon
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by Lord Styphon » Sat Mar 19, 2011 6:21 am

You're English grammar and punctuation needs a lot of work. I don't know if English is a second language or what grade level you're in (one of the drawbacks of the internet), but to be honest it's kind of messy in the grammar and punctuation department. You could always have somebody proofread it for you to help out, but if you're writing in English you really need to understand the grammar a bit better. "No one" is two words. "Cya" and "Sya" are not words. There are other things beyond those points.
Using my moderator superpowers, I can determine that English is at least a second and probably a third language for this person. On top of that, the Latin alphabet is probably at least the third alphabet he's had to learn. Given that, he's done remarkably well.

Also, it's "your English grammar", not "you're".

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quarteni
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by quarteni » Sat Mar 19, 2011 8:18 am

Oops. Typo. ( > w <;;) Made a couple revisions and corrections, but still missed some stuff. Just proof that nobody is perfect. :sweat:

lashagiorgi
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by lashagiorgi » Sat Mar 19, 2011 2:09 pm

true,true and true.even when i read it myself not only i made grammar and punctuation mistakes,but there are also many other mistakes that needs to be corrected.Georgian(location europe,georgia) is my first language English is my second,russian is my third,know a little japanese(very poor).As for my status,curently i'm in university 1st course.I didn't have any experiance in comunication english.As for my novel I can say that this is my first one,before this, I used to write rymes,lyrics,poetry,free verses,points of view(in original language).compared to those, this novel is nothing.I'm trying to expand my hobby.As i can see the fact,I need a lot of work in order to improve my writing.
As for the story,I was thinking to add something to main plot,for exmaple something close to our reality+more."Rin's main goal is to gain knowledge,power and experience to undo the devastating reality:cataclysms(is it correct? :D),Wars,Global extermination."

P.S I'm curently thinking of rewriting first 2 chapters as they turned out quite bad,chapter 3 a bit better and other chapters are turning out a bit better.But The Time will tell us everything :D

legatus_gio
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by legatus_gio » Mon Apr 04, 2011 11:49 am

Yes what he said is true.It still needs some correcting.But it turns out interesting story thought.rewrite 1-3 chapters they need it.continue writing it.I will read them as well.BTW where's the promissed action?

lashagiorgi
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by lashagiorgi » Tue Apr 05, 2011 7:50 am

legatus_gio wrote:Yes what he said is true.It still needs some correcting.But it turns out interesting story thought.rewrite 1-3 chapters they need it.continue writing it.I will read them as well.BTW where's the promissed action?
possibly chapter 8 will contain action or chapter 9 action+comedy.chapter 10 will be mostly action.

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Zadenwings
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by Zadenwings » Wed Apr 13, 2011 5:31 am

It seems to me that you have put a lot of thought into this idea. The only problem I have with it is it is a little generic.

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Misaki Tetsuya
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by Misaki Tetsuya » Wed Apr 13, 2011 11:50 pm

Zadenwings wrote:It seems to me that you have put a lot of thought into this idea. The only problem I have with it is it is a little generic.
^ This.

Also, I'm always kinda icky about people using Japanese names for their characters when they're writing an english manga.
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blueyoshimenace
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by blueyoshimenace » Thu Apr 14, 2011 4:17 am

Misaki Tetsuya wrote:
Zadenwings wrote:It seems to me that you have put a lot of thought into this idea. The only problem I have with it is it is a little generic.
^ This.

Also, I'm always kinda icky about people using Japanese names for their characters when they're writing an english manga.
It sounds kind of weeaboo-ish

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yesterdayshero
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by yesterdayshero » Thu Apr 14, 2011 5:08 am

blueyoshimenace wrote:
Misaki Tetsuya wrote:
Zadenwings wrote:It seems to me that you have put a lot of thought into this idea. The only problem I have with it is it is a little generic.
^ This.

Also, I'm always kinda icky about people using Japanese names for their characters when they're writing an english manga.
It sounds kind of weeaboo-ish
Wasn't everyone like that when we started? I was... ;;>_>
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Lord Styphon
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by Lord Styphon » Thu Apr 14, 2011 8:22 am

Misaki Tetsuya wrote:Also, I'm always kinda icky about people using Japanese names for their characters when they're writing an english manga.
THANK YOU!

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yesterdayshero
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by yesterdayshero » Thu Apr 14, 2011 3:41 pm

Lord Styphon wrote:
Misaki Tetsuya wrote:Also, I'm always kinda icky about people using Japanese names for their characters when they're writing an english manga.
THANK YOU!
Lord Styphon is pleased?!!~ wtf now I've seen everything...@_@
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Lord Styphon
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by Lord Styphon » Thu Apr 14, 2011 5:23 pm

yesterdayshero wrote:
Lord Styphon wrote:
Misaki Tetsuya wrote:Also, I'm always kinda icky about people using Japanese names for their characters when they're writing an english manga.
THANK YOU!
Lord Styphon is pleased?!!~ wtf now I've seen everything...@_@
Come now. You know I have always been pleased by the suffering of others.

Here I am pleased by someone else saying what I long have about the weeaboo-ish tendency of giving Japanese names and such to characters in English-language manga, namely that it's weeaboo-ish and not good. This, in turn, causes suffering among the weeaboos who do that, which also pleases me.

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yesterdayshero
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Re: Black And White need feedback

Post by yesterdayshero » Thu Apr 14, 2011 5:45 pm

Lord Styphon wrote:Here I am pleased by someone else saying what I long have about the weeaboo-ish tendency of giving Japanese names and such to characters in English-language manga, namely that it's weeaboo-ish and not good. This, in turn, causes suffering among the weeaboos who do that, which also pleases me.
TTATT
I see the error of my ways, and I'm sorry...
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